wish it was childhood curiosity

I started an earlier thread, but I think I wrote too much and got few replies. It was just that I had never shared any of this and when I started typing more and more just kept coming. I appreciate the previous feedback. I am trying my best to accept the kind of support I see in this forum and move on…but I can't let it go.

Let me try to keep this simpler. But words fail me due to shame and fear when I try to write specifics. I don't know if the specifics would make it sounds worse or not as bad. There were some inappropriate events with my sister. She's younger, but by less than two years. Actually, I think at first it was te sort of thing people here would say was childhood curiosity. Not very many times, never coercive, never saying something like "don't tell anyone," but only initiated by me. I cannot remember it all perfectly. But sadly I think the final event was before I was 16 or maybe that old (I hate writing that). It's decades later now.

I feel like I had a different mind then because I feel like only decades later did I really begin to see those events as much worse. Earlier I knew that it was bad, but I feel like I didn’t quite understand it. I wanted to be like we were when we were little kids, just mutually curious. It’s like I feel like as others became socialized adolescents I was isolated socially and kind of was stuck wishing for that earlier stage, but combined with the hormones of an adolescent. But being a late bloomer doesn’t excuse it…

As I got older, I sort of wished I could do research on my behavior and learn that it was just normal exploration. I would research things and look for solace — like the fact that our ages were close or that I never used coercion — that she never seemed to feel badly about me. She still talks about cherishing growing up together, we've always been close. But I also remember feeling like I did wrong at that time and years later. But it was in a confused way. Like I both knew I was wrong and at the same time didn’t know better.

My problem now is that as I got older and learned new ways to see things, the more I became convinced that it was worse than I thought. And not just normal. It’s like at the end of a movie with a twist ending: “it is me who was the monster all along!” If anything happens, like if I have conflict with a parent (which I do a lot with one if them) I wonder — am I resented because she really knows about this unspoken past? If I am ever out of touch with my sister I wonder if that is the reason (but when asked about this she always says it is her, not me and that I am great). I wonder if one day there will be a blow-up and I’ll just discover that I am at the root of all of our family’s problems.

I know that I destroyed a part of myself…I just pray that she is really just as ok as she appears to be about this. I wish I had understood back then. I wish I had found solace on this forum that I was just a normal, confused or curious kid. But wishing isn't reality.

I think it would hurt people around me to talk about this to them, it’s better to keep it in with them since it won’t fix anything. I am just sometimes lost in a bad place. Sorry, my post was still too long again.

Hello Equus-Mind.

There are two things I think you need to fully accept:

1) Your mind will not let you forget what happened. Stop fighting, validating and/or trying to repress the thoughts as this is futile and will only cause more suffering.

2) You exist right now in this moment, not the past or future. The past you is as good as a different person, whether you look at it physically (different atoms) or mentally (different self). Are you able to empirically identify the source of the link between the 16 year old "you" and the present you? A deep question I know but this is all part of breaking down the conditioning that is making you believe you are somehow carrying the 16 year old you (who no longer exists) within you right now.

It's perhaps time to start looking at techniques that can help you live more in the present moment, i.e. reality and being as it is. This is actually a sane thing for anyone to do, so don't see it like "special treatment" or anything. It's just about breaking down years of conditioning and fully realising that the past no longer exists. Your mind just makes it exist in the form of a never ending story and movie reel over which you have no control.

Talking of movies. In The Shawshank Redemption, when Red is up for parole, he mentions his younger self who committed the crime and how he wishes he could "talk some sense into him, tell him the way things are".

What would you say to the 16 year old "you" knowing what you know now? Is it possible to see him as a different person merely absent the wisdom and hindsight you have today?

I suppose what I'm really getting at is, what sense does it make to refer to that 16 year old as "me"? Why are you so attached to him now? Why do you self-identify with him when he no longer exists, either physically or mentally?

Also, how can you know for certain that the events that took place back then didn't eventually lead to a favourable outcome for your sister, as far-fetched as that may seem?

We can never know how each individual action will butterfly out into seemingly unrelated consequences. The universe is chaotic and full of antecedent unknowns. Big picture: bad events can easily lead to positive outcomes and good events can just as easily lead to negative outcomes. You have no control over either of these. Even the remorse you feel that may lead you on to do good deeds as a form of repentance is essentially a trigger that occurs in your brain without you having to do anything.

And I suppose that's the final message here - give up trying to control things you cannot - the past and its outcomes. It's only THIS moment in which your absolute potential and true self exists. Putting your attention on anything else is madness.

Epiphany55,

Thank you for taking the time to post. I very much appreciate it. While posting these thoughts of mine in some ways makes it worse (seeing my words in cold, stark text), all of the advice about ways to deal with remorse and the mind in general really does help. It seems that living in the present is the key in a lot of philosophies -- there must be something to it.

Sincerely,
EM

Yes living in the present moment does seem to be the way to minimise mental suffering, whatever it may be.

People will notice how when they're engaged deeply in work, playing with their kids, watching a great TV show, solving a problem, conversing or even arguing with someone... they're not thinking about the past. Realising this alone can give you hope that a state of mind absent of the past is at least attainable and that you do not have to constantly watch this movie of your past over and over again.

The default state of mind can, and should be, based on what is happening now.

Also, seeing the person you think you may have harmed enjoying life helps you to put things into perspective.

But when you do inevitably go back to the past, when for some reason your mind wanders and ends up back at that movie again, mindfulness techniques, such as focusing on your breathing, is a good way of training yourself to not follow a thought just because it arises.

If you can make your thoughts about the past go from taking up 50% of your attention to 20%, it can only be a good thing. You'll have gained 30% of your LIFE back.