Intense guilt; feel like a monster

This is in regards to something that happened a few months ago that I still think of daily. Every time, I feel disgusting ans abhorrent. I don't want people to complement me, I don't want to see them because I feel like I deserve nothing but punishment.

It was a strange and stressful day for me. This was earlier on in college; I was working on a lab that had taken me all day on a saturday. I was doing pretty poorly in this class at the time, so I really resented spending my entire day working and would look forward to getting hammered at parties on the weekends. I had known myself to be somewhat aggressive when drunk, but ultimately nothing had come of it before. I yelled at my friends a few times and usually passed out before causing any real harm.

This time was different. I went to the party to dance, already acting foolish and belligerent. I had just hooked up with a girl I had danced with last weekend, and that went fine, so I guess I wanted to do something like that. I arrived a bit late, and decided to drink a lot in a short amount of time so that the drinks wouldn't run out. I'm something of a heavyweight when it comes to drinks, so I saw nothing wrong with doing so. Eventually, my friend who I came with left to go back to his dorm, so I was there alone. I got drunker without reaizing it or meaning to, and things got dramatically worse from there. I saw a girl, an acquaintance who seemed like she might have been interested in me in the past, and started grinding on her. I can't remembee what made me think it was a good idea, but I guess I thought, either she's okay with it or she isn't and will tell me so. I danced with her for a bit, seemingly without issue. At this point I was extremely unaware of my surroundings and shouldn't even have been around others. I escalated, touching more of her body. I thought this was okay, since last week the other girl did want to hook up with me, and was fine with it. It was only later I realized that there would be clear and obvious signs if someone wanted me to escalate. This person was almost a stranger, and clearly disturbed by my actions.

Thinking back to it gives me intense discomfort. Sometimes I feel like my hands should be cut off for touching her unbidden, or my mouth for kissing her shoulder, clearly unwanted. I remember dancing for a little until the song ended, and then she moved away, meaning the dance is over. I couldn't quite process this at the time, and moved up to join her again. It was then that she told me firmly that she didn't want to dance anymore, looking (as I realize in retrospect) quite creeped out. I said sorry and left. I didn't do anything else untoward that night, apart from drunkenly yelling at my friends and then falling asleep.

The weight of my actions didn't really hit me until much later. The girl was in one of my classes, and I felt intense shame whenever I saw her. I couldn't say anything. I recall seeing her in a hallway once and she just looked upset and frightened. Of me, of course. My heinous actions. I can't even look her in the face, I can't even be at a party without the intense fear and shame of hurting someone. I don't drink nearly that much anymore, only very rare occasions. I refuse to let myself lose control again. What I did was reprehensible and irresponsible. I really feel like a monster, like at a certain point i can only hurt others, like I should stay away from them. I've talked to a few friends about it, and they tell me to not dwell on it, but I can't help doing so. I've never, ever made any unwanted advances like tgat before or since. I've had some sexual experiences since that day but no lasting relationships. I guess I feel like I don't deserve love. Increasingly, I don't know how to move forward. I thought time would heal my wounds but it only adds to my burden. Do I apologize? I never really talked to her and don't want to creep her out more. How would i even contact her? I feel like people see a beast whenever they look at me. When people glance my way and talk seemingly about me, I used to assume it was because of my looks. I'm supposedly quite handsome according to my peers. But now I just think they're discussing my misdeeds.

It's a pit, an endless dark chasm. I find it hard to even focus on my work or to engage socially at school, for fear of her seeing me. I haven't tried going to the school therapist, because what if they report me, lock me up for what I am? I've resolved to learn from the experience, but no amount of logic makes me feel less bad.

Hey. I think you need to calm down.

You clearly misread the whole situation and got carried away. Take it easy on the alcohol intake if it makes you do that. But I find it hard to believe any real harm has been done here. I mean, I'm sure she was creeped out, yes, but she'll get over it. She must know it was just drunken silliness.

Yes I would definitely apologise to her. It will help her see another side to you and that it was indeed the drink that made you act like a bit of a tit

Don't be so hard on yourself! Just learn from this experience and pace yourself with the drink in future. You're a good guy, I can tell from your sincerity and the fact you came on here in the first place.

You're still in school. You do realise that people completely change when they leave school and tend to forgive and forget these transgressions? You might not realise that now, but honestly it'll be like water under the bridge, more a minor embarrassment than a life-long condemnation. Don't let this spoil the remainder of your time at school for god sake.

Peace.

You're definitely not a monster. As a man I've been groped before by people who I suspect didn't give it a second thought even hours later. What you did was certainly inappropriate and it's good that you recognise the wrongness of your actions. However, all is not lost. You're still young and can change from this (as your remorse clearly indicates!) and don't need to be defined by this for the rest of your life. I think an apology might be a good start to reparations if there is a way to do that on safe grounds that won't make either the young woman nor yourself get anxious or panicy. Do you have any mutual friends or acquaintances that could pass on a short, sincere note or just give a brief message of apology?