intense guilt over childhood exploration

first off, here is a little bit of background knowledge about me:

im a teenager, and am biologically female (i feel kinda like a boy, but have been considered female most of my life) and feel sexual attraction towards all genders, but feel little to no romantic attraction (i dont know why)

i have been professionally diagnosed with OCD, GAD, hypocondria, depression, and possible ADHD. ive had OCD in particular ever since i was very little, i just thought my behavior was normal at the time. i am currently on zoloft and am about to get a higher dosage prescribed

my childhood consisted of a divorce after the incidents listed below, my older brother being a drug addict and seriously impacting our family, and i felt pretty unloved by my mother, as if she cared much more deeply for my little brother than me

for the past month (maybe a little less) ive felt extreme guilt / remorse over what i had done in my childhood. the guilt is overwhelming and makes it difficult to function normally. i feel as if i am undeserving of any kind of happiness and am a disgrace, more or less

so what happened: when i was around 6 or 7, maybe 8, i have a memory of being in my family's office and i dont know what led up to this, but i remember going to the bathroom with my brother, who is two years younger than me, so like age 5 or something at the time. i was curious as to why he had something "different" than me, and while he was using the restroom, i remember grabbing his wrist and making it so the urine went onto the walls. i remember laughing i think, and maybe remember him laughing too, im not quite sure. i feel disgusted by myself for doing this, and i dont know if i my parents ever found out or not, but im guessing they did if they saw pee all over the wall

the next event, i dont know which happened first but im guessing we were the same age as previously, we were in the basement and i dont remember how, but his pants were down and i was looking at his genitals and curious as to what they were. i think my mind is playing tricks on me but for some reason i feel like my father was nearby when this happened, i dont know though, i was too little to remember

then, when i was around 10 years old maybe 9, and he was like 7, i told him to close his eyes when he was lying on the couch and i attempted to "kiss" him, and he immediately pushed away and i was laughing but he thought it was gross. i think the motive of this event was i saw two adults doing it on the TV, and tried to act it out for some reason

i also have few vague memories of me telling him to use the restroom sitting down/wiping? i dont know why

another memory i have with my female cousin when i was i probably like 8 or 7 or something, and she was like 6 or 5, was when we were in my room playing something and eventually it led to us showing each other our privates. no touching was involved

note: for all of these events listed above, i cannot recall any kind of sexual intentions on my part, just anatomically curiosity probably. but since they were so long ago, i cant quite tell for sure

i have spent countless hours trying to remember as much as i can of all of these. i do remember events that were not initiated by me, as well:

when my brother was like 4 and i was 6, my older brother aged 16 or so, had my younger brother pull his pants down in the kitchen and we were all laughing. he said something like "if he did it you have to do it now" not really in a forceful tone, and i declined. after that i went upstairs to use the restroom, and my older brother came in when i was done and asked me something like "ive never touched a girls whatever before" and i let him touch it for like a second, and i think i was uncomfortable but didnt really know what was going on. this event happened before the ones i initiated, i think

similar to the whole "ive never __ a girl" thing, my cousin (1 year older than me) said "ive never kissed a girl before" when i was like 8 probably? maybe 9, and he took me to a "secret place" and kissed me. this happened 2 or 3 times. he also tricked me one time into sitting on his face when i didnt know what it really meant at the time

those were the two most notable instances not initiated by me, the rest were when i was older like in elementary and were just fun and games with my friends, basically

i feel extremely remorseful for the acts i had committed and feel as though i can never be forgiven. its eating away at me, and it ought to, i think i deserve the worst punishment, i think the only thing that can punish me rightfully is death at this point. i dont know what to do, or if it counts as abuse, or sexual abuse even though no sexual intentions occurred.

me and my little brother's relationship is normal like any other sibling relationship, we fight here and there. same goes for my female cousin (just without the fighting)

Oh my.

Where do I start?

Short and sweet:

Why?

Do you feel remorse.... Oh, wait. You mentioned OCD. Official DX, too!

There ya go.

I see nothing in your post that even begins to be horrible. I see normal childhood behavior. Except for 16 y/o brother touching you. That was too old to do that he should have known better. Him, not you, that's his bad. If I were the parent, the other stuff would only have earned a gentle talk about you needing to be a proper little lady, 16 y/o bubba though, my foot, his ass. That's really the only troubling thing about this post afaic.

Nothing this old person sees is anything for you personally to feel bad over. Nothing that isn't considered normal as far as I know.

This sounds very like an OCD thing. I'm not official Dx but I'm OCD, too. Has that wonderful ocd flavor to it.

Please try not to beat yourself up over this, sweets!

In total agreement with Snaga. It was absolutely exploration not abuse - the only instance of abuse was committed by your older brother where there was a clear power imbalance and he was a much older child than yourself. Your feelings of guilt over your behaviour are definitely linked in to your having OCD and I really think that C.B.T. (cognitive behaviour therapy) might be helpful for you, if you are not already receiving it.

The idea that you deserve death for anything you wrote is absolutely outside of any possible reason, just or moral framework. You don't deserve any punishment. And I write that with 100% certainty.

thank you both a lot for your input. i have one more question i was forgetful about including in my original post, even though it's whats been bothering me the most - do you think either of them (my little brother or my female cousin) have been affected by these events, or traumatized? they both seem to lead very healthy lives (my brother is shy and not very open about his opinions, so i dont know if my damage did that or what) and we have normal relationships. could they have repressed memories that could come back at any moment, or was the damage not that severe? i am intensely worried about their well being and i just want them to be alright

I can't speak for them of course but, personally, I very much doubt it Your behaviour was definitely not outside the normal realm of childhood exploration and even when you shook your brother's risk, that was childish teasing/ bullying, but not sexual abuse. I honestly do think that you have internalised the anxiety from what your older brother did and seek to explain that feeling to yourself through "taking responsibility" where really you have done **nothing** to take responsibility for. You were 6-10. Please try to forgive yourself and move on. You really do deserve to.