Deep remorse, please help

Thank very much you for your reply, Ada.

Ada wrote:

guiltyperson wrote:I know it's never going to be better. I'll never forgive myself. I'll never stop feeling remorse, regret, self-hate and sadness.

I was suicidal for a while. It felt completely logical and reasonable. I could list out the reasons for ending things. I was actively planning the steps.

Then I found that my thyroid was under active. And that by supporting it with a food supplement. Those thoughts went away. Switched off like a light. When I stopped taking the supplement, they came back. So I haven't stopped since.

What I'm saying is. And it's a huge thing! I can't necessarily trust my feelings and thoughts. Just because they FEEL like they're coming from me. Doesn't mean they ACTUALLY are. And I think the same is true for you. Your feelings seem to me to be totally disproportionate to what happened. Therefore I think this is NOT a permanent state of affairs. I think this can get better. You don't have to believe that. But you do have to avoid doing anything permanent. That would block that from being a possibility. Mental health issues aren't often easy or quick to deal with. You're doing the right things, talking to your counsellor. Opening up about the suicidal thoughts would help, I think. It lets them understand how serious this is for you.

Yes, my suicidal thoughts aren't just coming from me. They're coming from my observation on the outside world and what I know will happen if people know who I actually am. That makes me feel they are justified and correct.

I don't really see how my feelings are disproportionate - I've violated something normal people do not. It's not even a light violation of normal behaviour, it's pretty much something that has stained me and will continue to do so - preventing me from leading a normal life. Not having to think about what I've done every single day, and how I'll lose everyone I hold dear when they find out. Just imagining my friends calling me "disgusting" and abandoning me makes me feel like my heart is sinking. Even more so when I realize it's something that can happen.

There's no way it can get better. No matter how much I improve myself or how much I advance in life, my past will always haunt me, along with the fear of people seeing who I am and abandoning me. Regardless of who I am, how much self-improvement I've done, etc. - it will all be null and void if my people know about my deeds. The only thing people - both strangers, friends and family - will see in me is a disgusting lump of waste pretending to be a normal person. Someone who they'll want to stay away from.

Opening up about my suicidal thoughts to my therapist will probably just screw up things for me. I'm certain my parents will be notified about them, maybe even about why I actually go there, and from then on it will all come down crashing.

I can't count how many times I've felt happy while doing something, only to remember what I've done and go - "oh yeah, forgot about the fact I'm a disgusting person" and have that small moment of joy just ripped to shreds, spending almost the rest of the day thinking about that.

Ada wrote:Hang in there while you work all this through.

Thank you.
I sincerely wish I could work this through, but there's no way I can, as I've already said. Funny thing is I actually really enjoy life, just not mine. Sure, I get the occasional mild existental crisis, worry about ethics of future human technology, global warming, etc - but that's nothing much, I bet everyone does. I'm afraid of dying, not existing, not being able to perceive the world, but I feel hopeless when I think about my future and my whole life. It's one big disappointment, having it destroyed like this. By myself.

guiltyperson wrote:Yes, my suicidal thoughts aren't just coming from me.

They are. No offence intended, but I'm not having suicidal thoughts about you. And I can't know this for a fact. But I'd put a large bet on it. Your family would very likely be far more horrified that you were having genuinely suicidal thoughts. Than the thoughts in the triggering incident.

They're coming from my observation on the outside world and what I know will happen if people know who I actually am. That makes me feel they are justified and correct.

But you've got a small cross section of the outside world here. And everyone who's replied to your thread. Read what you wrote. And no one's been phased by it. Everyone's accepted them. Some have shared similar incidents of their own. Perhaps we're an unusual bunch. But I don't think so. I think most people over the age of 15 will have had a relateable experience. And unless they're being a total jerk. They won't judge you for this. [If they are being a jerk. That's painful. But not terrible. It's on them, not on you.]

I know I'm being judgemental in calling them disproportionate. But that is how I see this. I have occasional thoughts about tripping joggers as they go past. It doesn't make me a psychopath. And yes, people might think I was weird if I shared that.

You're treating the thought with a legitimacy it doesn't deserve. It wasn't a clear, conscious desire of yours. You're not repressing genuine incestuous wishes. [You wouldn't be a terrible, unforgivable person even if you were. As long as you didn't act on them.] It's like beating yourself up for something you dreamed.

guiltyperson wrote:I sincerely wish I could work this through, but there's no way I can, as I've already said.

Just generalising from your viewpoint. Everyone who has incestuous thoughts should be considering killing themselves. Everyone who has ever had a sexual thought about a family member is a disgusting lump of waste. Anyone who hasn't has a sexual thought like that. Should abandon those that have.

Honestly, that seems extreme.

Ada wrote:

guiltyperson wrote:They're coming from my observation on the outside world and what I know will happen if people know who I actually am. That makes me feel they are justified and correct.

But you've got a small cross section of the outside world here. And everyone who's replied to your thread. Read what you wrote. And no one's been phased by it. Everyone's accepted them. Some have shared similar incidents of their own. Perhaps we're an unusual bunch. But I don't think so. I think most people over the age of 15 will have had a relateable experience. And unless they're being a total jerk. They won't judge you for this. [If they are being a jerk. That's painful. But not terrible. It's on them, not on you.]

I know I'm being judgemental in calling them disproportionate. But that is how I see this. I have occasional thoughts about tripping joggers as they go past. It doesn't make me a psychopath. And yes, people might think I was weird if I shared that.

You're treating the thought with a legitimacy it doesn't deserve. It wasn't a clear, conscious desire of yours. You're not repressing genuine incestuous wishes. [You wouldn't be a terrible, unforgivable person even if you were. As long as you didn't act on them.] It's like beating yourself up for something you dreamed.

It felt like they were clear and conscious. And they were intense. Or at least that's how I remember it. Also, on the topic of acting on them, I think I've done something that does count as acting on them - at the time we were staying at our grandparents' house, and beds were limited, so I had to share a bed with my mom (yuck). While she was asleep and we were facing opposite I touched her buttocks with my buttocks, or her feet with my feet... Don't know why I did that. Thankfully I didn't do anything else, not sure if it was out of fear of being caught or just knowing that it was wrong. Later on I had thoughts about using her (clean) underwear for masturbation but I just stopped and thought "what the hell is wrong with me? that's disgusting" and didn't do anything. Felt so awful typing that out and reliving those memories.

What's weird is at the time I don't think I gave any thought about the fact that society despises this stuff and how this could make me an awful person, don't even think I fully realized that it was completely wrong. I was just so caught up in having those awful thoughts.

I'm not repressing any incestuous wishes now, thankfully. I'm definitely over that, and it will stay that way. I'm never going to sink down to that level I did before.

I don't really think that we can compare how people react to me over here and how they would in real life. I really cherish this place and the fact that I can speak about my problems freely, without being afraid.

Ada wrote:

guiltyperson wrote:I sincerely wish I could work this through, but there's no way I can, as I've already said.

Just generalising from your viewpoint. Everyone who has incestuous thoughts should be considering killing themselves. Everyone who has ever had a sexual thought about a family member is a disgusting lump of waste. Anyone who hasn't has a sexual thought like that. Should abandon those that have.

Honestly, that seems extreme.

No, no - definitely no. I can't speak about other people, it's up to them how they treat their problems.

I'm just extremely disappointed, remorseful and angry with myself because of what I've done. And knowing that it can't be undone makes me hopeless - that I will always be accompanied by the thoughts of what I've done.