Deep remorse, please help

Ada wrote:May I answer your question with a question? [I know it's annoying. Sorry.]

Picking something I hope won't be triggering. Imagine that a friend of yours sends you this link- remorse/topic150950.html#p1555271 And says they wrote it and just want to be be honest with you about it. What would you reply to them? Would you still be friends?

Yes, we'd still be friends - if I remember correctly, one of my friends had taken some money from his family without permission, and we had talked about it. But anyways, I'd probably tell him that even though he's done wrong, he can still change and be a good person. I'd talk with him and try to help him as much as I can.

Winteriscoming wrote:Hi, I have a few thoughts. Firstly as others have said everything just happened in your head and hasn't infringed on anyone's rights. It seams to me the problem is EXCESSIVE quilt, I wonder if you agree about the excessive part? Also you say you felt better after posting and reading replies which means you have made a start at finding things that lesson your problems, I think it's possible that since talking about it online helps talking to therapist might help to so I'd recommend looking looking into that.

Good luck.

Yes, I do agree that I'm having excessive guilt about what's happened, but I feel like I deserve it. My biggest problems with what I've done are the fact that it will never change - that's what I've done and I'll have to carry it forever, and the fear of how people will react when they find out what I've done - I'll most likely be excluded from any kind of social interaction, which I fear a lot.

Thank you both for the replies.

guiltyperson wrote:I'd probably tell him that even though he's done wrong, he can still change and be a good person. I'd talk with him and try to help him as much as I can.

That's a powerfully compassionate answer.

and the fear of how people will react when they find out what I've done - I'll most likely be excluded from any kind of social interaction, which I fear a lot.

You think what happened is beyond compassion? Or that your friends aren't strong enough to be kind?

Ada wrote:

guiltyperson wrote:I'd probably tell him that even though he's done wrong, he can still change and be a good person. I'd talk with him and try to help him as much as I can.

That's a powerfully compassionate answer.

and the fear of how people will react when they find out what I've done - I'll most likely be excluded from any kind of social interaction, which I fear a lot.

You think what happened is beyond compassion? Or that your friends aren't strong enough to be kind?

Sorry for the ultra late reply, was a tad busy.
I think what happened is beyond compassion indeed.


Oh god, today I did something really #######5 that's probably gonna haunt me. How the hell did I think it was okay to do it, I just can't understand. Basically, I was travelling on the subway, and sat down, browsing stuff on my phone. So everything is okay, and this woman, definitely over 18, not that kind of problem here thankfully, even though when I think about it I start getting thoughts like - "What if I only thought she was over 18 and she actually wasn't?" enters, and leans on the railing near the seat (I was seating on the first seat in the row). So, she was a pretty attractive and fit woman, and because she was leaning on the railing near the seat, her butt was like a few inches away from my face. I didn't stare, because it would've been pretty rude and creepy, but for some reason I thought that I could take a photo of my face next to her butt with the front camera on my phone and send it as a fun snapchat to one of my friends, with some stupid text like "i love taking the subway". So, I sneakily took a photo, and probably a second after I took it I just instantly realized "what the ###$ am I doing? Taking creep pictures of people is disgusting", so as soon as I got off the sub I deleted the photo. From then on I just started feeling worse, and when I came home I decided to read about this type of stuff, and obviously and understandably, everyone called people who did this type of things disguting and creepy, with which I agree. So now, I'm basically feeling like $#%^ because for some reason I thought it wouldn't be bad and disgusting to take a picture of a woman's butt, ugh. And as I mentioned earlier, even though she definitely looked like she was over 18, those awful doubts are nibbling at me.

Does this prove that I am pretty much a disgusting person acting on impulse? It feels like it does.

That isn't monstrous just... kind of stupid!

Since you immediately deleted the photo, I don't really think there was any harm done. It was not a so-calling "creep shot" so it doesn't sound like you broke any laws. Roll your eyes at yourself, but be glad that you had the common sense and moral compass to stop yourself before you did any damage!

sprock wrote:That isn't monstrous just... kind of stupid!

Since you immediately deleted the photo, I don't really think there was any harm done. It was not a so-calling "creep shot" so it doesn't sound like you broke any laws. Roll your eyes at yourself, but be glad that you had the common sense and moral compass to stop yourself before you did any damage!

Hm, yeah, that's true. I've calmed down about it, and I think that I just had some normal, healthy shame about something stupid.

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Anyways, I think that regarding my main problem, even if I truly forgive myself and manage to end my guilt once and for all, i'd still be haunted by the fear of what people will think of me, if they somehow came to know about what I've done. I feel like that's what's been tormenting me the most recently. I mean, regardless of the fact that I was 14-15 when I did all this stupid stuff, I was old enough to know what doing that will mean, what other people would think, and generally having the moral compass to avoid this thing so that it never happened. But I didn't, for some reason, and that actually pisses me off. I'm not sure if a therapist can make my fear go away, but I must try seeing one, even though I'm pretty scared to ask my parents for one.

But people on here (and we are real people!!) *do* know and don't consider it a big deal. Sure, some people might think it was weird or gross, but these are pretty empty value judgements. What matters is the harm/ good you do in life. Fantasising about one's mother as a kid might be odd or even weird, but it's not *immoral* per se or harmful. It's certainly not illegal.

I don't know if there are any others acts you feel concern about, but from what I can see the only thing you have done which might have infringed upon someone else's rights is take a photo with their clothed behind in view... and, frankly, while stupid, it is hardly an act of great evil!!

Please try to accept that kids have strange thoughts. You are not alone in that. You are just fine.

Hello, been a long time since I last posted here. I've been going to a therapist since around April, I think. I haven't been diagnosed with anything, just talking with the therapist about my problems in detail as much as I can, but I haven't mentioned anything about suicidal thoughts out of fear that I'd probably get into deep $#%^.

I've had ups and downs since then, mostly downs though. I hate myself, I just hate myself so damn much. I hate everything about me - how I look, who I am, what I've done and so forth. Recently it's been getting more intense. It feels proper to hate myself, I feel envy when I look at people who I assume are normal. I feel like I've robbed myself of a good life at the early age of 14, and that whatever happiness I've had after that and may have is something I don't deserve. I don't deserve having a nice amount of good friends, people who I really like - I barely initiate anything like just simply going out, because I feel too ugly or disgusting to go out. When they ask me, I usually agree if I can kinda tolerate how I look, but I've often had to worm my way out when I don't. Same with talking on the computer and playing videogames together, but because I feel too miserable to be around / to talk with people, but to a lesser degree. Maybe sometimes I start to gain some self-confidence, only to have it blown out by some extreme intrusive thoughts or just remembering what I've done.

I'm afraid of going out and drinking a nice cold beer with friends, even though I hate the taste, because it feels like I'll get reckless and spill out who I am. When a friend of mine said that we should have some proper fun time and get drunk (not blackout, vomiting drunk, he meant it as drinking a bit more that a few sips of beer) I felt petrified out of what might happen.

I'm afraid when I find some woman attractive. I start looking for similarities in her face to my relatives, usually to my mom and even at the slightest resemblance I feel disgusted at myself for being attracted.

I feel like trash, most likely because I'm just that. There's nothing truly good in me, I'm stained permanently and there's nothing I can do about that. I'll continue to have awful thoughts, I'll continue to avoid being social because I hate how I look and I'll probably continue to degrade. I can't kill myself because I'm too afraid of dying, but I'm not really content with my life. I'm scum compared to normal people, and a disappointment to my family and my ancestors.

Maybe I should just become a surgeon, try to do as much good as I can and work myself into an early grave. Sorry for venting, feels like I'm just posting for attention, and I probably am.

Please remind yourself that you have not done anything wrong or abusive to feel remorseful about. You had some weird sexual thoughts as a kid. This is totally normal. I remember once, as a young teen, getting off over the image of the Pokémon Jynx. I kid you not. Jynx. Do I feel embarrassed about this? Absolutely! But I do not feel guilty about it as it did not impinge upon the rights of anyone else, nor did it harm anyone.

Personally speaking I think it would be helpful if you opened up more to your therapist as I think you are holding back from discussing with them the issues that you need to address. I am entirely sure that if you ever felt able to tell them that you once fantasised about your mother they'd reply that it was nothing out of the ordinary and not something to feel bad about.

Your friends are friends with you with a reason. The fact that you have at least had some good times mixed in with the bad shows that happiness and relaxation are possible for you.

P.S. Maybe becoming a surgeon would help improve your self image! Have you read the manga Black Jack? I'm reminded of that - he's a self-loathing surgeon who doesn't like how he looks, but he's heroic for fighting on despite the fact.

sprock wrote:Please remind yourself that you have not done anything wrong or abusive to feel remorseful about. You had some weird sexual thoughts as a kid. This is totally normal. I remember once, as a young teen, getting off over the image of the Pokémon Jynx. I kid you not. Jynx. Do I feel embarrassed about this? Absolutely! But I do not feel guilty about it as it did not impinge upon the rights of anyone else, nor did it harm anyone.

Personally speaking I think it would be helpful if you opened up more to your therapist as I think you are holding back from discussing with them the issues that you need to address. I am entirely sure that if you ever felt able to tell them that you once fantasised about your mother they'd reply that it was nothing out of the ordinary and not something to feel bad about.

Your friends are friends with you with a reason. The fact that you have at least had some good times mixed in with the bad shows that happiness and relaxation are possible for you.

P.S. Maybe becoming a surgeon would help improve your self image! Have you read the manga Black Jack? I'm reminded of that - he's a self-loathing surgeon who doesn't like how he looks, but he's heroic for fighting on despite the fact.

Thanks to everyone who's putting up with me, and sorry for being such a frequent and annoying poster. It's been almost a year since this thread has started and almost two years since I've registered.
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But I did, I masturbated. Regardless, I crossed a line I shouldn't have the moment I felt attraction towards my mom.

I've told my therapist about the whole thing on day one, I just haven't disclosed my suicidal thoughts.

My friends are friends with a normal person - not the disgusting pile of waste that I actually am underneath.

Recently I visited a friend of mine while he was staying with his grandparents. They were extremely friendly and hospitable, such nice people. I helped them out with some manual labor work the grandpa and my friend were doing, and generally I had a wonderful time. But if they knew what I've done, I'd probably be resented, and not invited at all. Or at least treated with disgust. And I wouldn't blame them or hold any grudges, I'd deserve that treatment. I just don't want to be treated like that, and fear the rejection from other people so much. That would be the same with other people as well, I'd just be rejected and resented. I bet even my family would treat me like garbage. But I'd agree with everyone, since that's what I am. I would hate that it's happening and I'd feel like in a nightmare, but I'd understand why it would be happening.

That's what I fear so much.

I'm bitter and sad.
Recently I was sitting in a hammock on a sunny day, looking at the deep blue sky and enjoying the warmth and light wind. I felt at peace for a few seconds, but a feeling of peace that I hadn't felt in a long, long time. And I just felt even more bitter after that, as I realised that this thing has been sapping me of peace and happiness. For example, a small but wonderful pleasure - a warm cup of coffee early in the morning. I still feel pleasure and comfort out of it, but washed out. The best way to put it is - as if the world has been desaturated. It still has a bit of color in it, but it's nothing like it used to be. I understand very well that normal people also have troubles and problems, I'm not oblivious to their suffering. But there's no constant remorse, fear and self-hate.

I know it's never going to be better. I'll never forgive myself. I'll never stop feeling remorse, regret, self-hate and sadness.

That brings up my question - is it even worth living such a life? Surely it's better to feel nothing.

I either have to accept the fact that I'll live for another miserable ~60 years before dying - certainly not peacefully, unless I did so in my sleep. But hell, even my dreams are infested with disgusting thoughts so I can't be sure about that - or embrace the fact that I'll have to kill myself. There's no inbetween. The only solution to my problem is if all those horrible things I've done and felt and thought didn't happen, and that's impossible, considering I wouldn't even be able to enjoy the peace knowing that I hadn't done those things, because I wouldn't have to, because the whole situation wouldn't exist without its cause to happen. I'm digging down into deeper things now though, so I should just stop.

P.S. - I'm not much of a manga guy, but it's an interesting one. Thanks for the suggestion!
Sorry if the post is a bit incoherent - it's 2AM and I had to rewrite the whole thing because the forum logged me out before I posted it.

guiltyperson wrote:I know it's never going to be better. I'll never forgive myself. I'll never stop feeling remorse, regret, self-hate and sadness.

I was suicidal for a while. It felt completely logical and reasonable. I could list out the reasons for ending things. I was actively planning the steps.

Then I found that my thyroid was under active. And that by supporting it with a food supplement. Those thoughts went away. Switched off like a light. When I stopped taking the supplement, they came back. So I haven't stopped since.

What I'm saying is. And it's a huge thing! I can't necessarily trust my feelings and thoughts. Just because they FEEL like they're coming from me. Doesn't mean they ACTUALLY are. And I think the same is true for you. Your feelings seem to me to be totally disproportionate to what happened. Therefore I think this is NOT a permanent state of affairs. I think this can get better. You don't have to believe that. But you do have to avoid doing anything permanent. That would block that from being a possibility. Mental health issues aren't often easy or quick to deal with. You're doing the right things, talking to your counsellor. Opening up about the suicidal thoughts would help, I think. It lets them understand how serious this is for you.

The only solution to my problem is if all those horrible things I've done and felt and thought didn't happen, and that's impossible, considering I wouldn't even be able to enjoy the peace knowing that I hadn't done those things, because I wouldn't have to, because the whole situation wouldn't exist without its cause to happen.

Yep. This isn't rational. [Hopefully I don't trigger you with this- As a human being, you have the potential to rape, murder, and destroy. Why aren't you remorseful about your potential to commit genocide? I'm going to guess because it's not part of the current focus of the disorder. It's still in your rational control. Whereas your remorseful thoughts aren't currently under rational control. I believe that you can let go of the current regret and self abusive thoughts. And that it will feel as natural. As the way that right now. You don't feel remorse for the possibility of slaughtering a race of people. Hang in there while you work all this through.]