Do you feel deserving,Do you refrain from things because it?

I have told my therapist every single thing I've posted here, if not more. But sometimes I think.

I hope that my siblings, family and everyone is not going to hate me in the future. That's why I've asked what may my dad think of all of this?

I reallllllllly really realy want to move on. But feel undeserving. I feel as if people would hate me. And also that my siblings or someone might hate me later on.

-- Mon Nov 09, 2015 3:25 am --

It feels like I'm running from something by moving on. Like I'm running from getting in trouble?

What you feel or worry about is not going to change reality. I don't think they will hate you. They're your family for goodness sake. But other people can't help how they feel or what they think just as you can't. If someone happens to hate you, it's just going to be like that.

If you want to punish yourself, punish yourself and you'll be doing what YOU want but NOBODY benefits from.

If you want to move on, take the steps to move on and you'll be doing what YOU want and OTHERS benefit from.

Ask yourself which is least selfish. Which is most productive. Which will cause the least amount of regret on your death bed. Which will help others and create a better world. Which will better represent your true, present self. Which will create the most happiness and peace.

It may be that you need to spend another year of your life on this choice. Eventually I am confident your mind/ego will get "bored" and try to find a new source of identity. When it can't, you will have no choice but to transcend identity and just be.

Epiphany, awhile back you mentioned I'm running around in circles. You are right I am. Every question I have I have already asked; lots over. My mind is here then there. There is always something about my childhood I am thinking about extremely negatively. Especially not accepting that I am a victim of abuse because I feel the opposite. It's hard to live happy. If I can't live happy and without this overbearing cloud of remorse, there is no point.

1. Deservingness
2. Being hated
3. Someone in my family, or siblings hating me
4. Moving on and this returning
5. Finally again, the public perception. And my abuse.

You also said that you want to move on. It's clear to you now that moving on doesn't involve being able to stop these thoughts. You won't get back the identity you want. You have to look deeper than identity itself. Moving on has to involve some kind of detachment from this need to hold on to an identity that tells you "I am my past, I am this, I am that".

One book that made me realise this distinction between identity (who I think I am) and simply being, independent of the mind-made story of "me", was the Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. I recommend you read that book. It's not your typical new age mumbo jumbo - it doesn't make any religious or mystical claims - but it does help you to detach from the story about yourself and the conditioning that makes you believe your thoughts about yourself are synonymous with who you are, which is causing you so much suffering right now.

Everybody wants to cling to their past and a continuous self identity because they've never lived without it. They (falsely) believe that their existence depends on this attachment to a life-long identity - a sense of self (not the authentic self). It seems so natural and it is part of our evolution as a sentient species. But when this story is filled with pain and darkness, the only solution is to seek a deeper reality, beyond what the conditioned mind offers.

So if your mind pops up the thought "I don't deserve to be happy", you might question why that is necessarily correct just because a thought happens to say it and then move your attention elsewhere when you realise it's as empty as a bubble. It's about stepping outside the sphere of thought and observing it rather than immersing yourself within it.

Right now, you are reluctant to question the validity of these thoughts, because your sense of identity and existence over your life has been intrinsically defined by that part of the brain. You know it's causing you pain, but at the same time you are scared to lose it because you will lose your sense of self. But in reality that's just another thought with no basis in reality.

The proof that we can exist without a sense of self rooted in the past is often staring right at us...

There will be times when you're not thinking about the past - you just don't notice it. But that's the point - stop noticing thought so much. To do that you need to mentally train just like you would physically train at the gym to make your body fitter. The brain is like a muscle. The more you focus your attention on things that don't involve your past or the story of the self, the stronger and more dominant those parts of the brain will become.

When I play guitar, play with the kids, debate with friends... anything that focuses the attention of the mind, that, on reflection, is when I am truly free and at peace. When the mind is left to do as it pleases, it will always take you down the "I am this, I am that, what do I think of myself, what do others think of me" path.

When realising this, many people have reported laughing, because they can see the mind's games being played out in front of them. But now they don't play. They don't follow a thought just because it is there.

Without training, without the work, you will not move on. Just as someone who wants a six pack has to train consistently and exercise a good deal of will power, so too must you be willing to spend much of your free time developing those areas of your brain that aren't dependent on your past or the story of the self.

The question is, are you willing to do it? How much does moving on really mean to you?

Yes I do. And moving on is the only thing I can/ever wanted to do.

Just looking at these 5 events weird me out and make me feel horrible. Especially the thing to my younger sister and to my brother. People would look at that and hate me... It's just something so weird to me... All 5 things are disturbing by themselves, but together it's a wall. I feel like this is a crime... Like I'm running...

Thanks avert one for keeping this dialogue open, and you can continue on this thread or my original if you want.

-- Wed Nov 11, 2015 2:09 am --

I've been reading stories everywhere and they all feel related, then I feel horrible. Like Mo'niques brother, Duggar, Dunham, and just recently read a blog or something about a girl who was abused by her brother pretty badly and he got into trouble. It went on to he was 16. Is it wrong to relate all of these things, I feel like I'm an unfair exception of hatred. If I don't look these things up I feel I'm running from something.