Do you feel deserving,Do you refrain from things because it?

Alright. What's the age difference between you guys? How old were you and how many events happened?

If you feel comfortable enough, just type specifically(or what you will) the actions that happened. Dialogue,etc. maybe just convey what you said to you girlfriend.

And by the way, I'm being honest, I have no idea why your gf would react that way. And I don't think a therapist could report this, because of the age you were at the time. I'd appreciate an honest account and I'll retort with my utmost honest reply, from the heart bud.

Age difference is 8 years so quite large and happened when I was 11 or in 6th grade. Escalated from showing each other a couple times and then asking her to lick it and put it in her mouth then ended. It wasn't physically forced but as an older person it was manipulative and controlling either way on my part. It happened up to 6 times with the mouth part as the end. So obviously it is alot more intense than your story and I wish that I was in your spot honestly.

I knew it was wrong and I was curious and I didn't stop myself. I remember the feeling of thinking this will bite me back later and I should stop but I didn't resist the urge those times. I had the regular hallmarks of being abused by someone, easy access to porn and and raging hormones and sexual urges at the time. Still, it was my responsibility and I didn't stop myself. I thought the first few times or showing each other weren't too bad at the time, but I knew I crossed the line when I asked her to touch it. Over the summer I agreed to my gf to see a therapist but then I discovered the rules about reporting and had to admit to her that the best I could do was talk about my own impulsivity as a kid, inability to control anger, my own abuse. All of those things were things I thought would help me get as close to a therapeutic session with a professional without giving my past away directly. I thought I got somewhere after that and felt relieved for the first time in a while.

My ex can't get into the mind of someone like me and can't imagine what would go through anyone's head to do something like that and I can completely understand. I remember being busted for playing around with my same age cousin when I was in kindergarten which was odd but consensual on both sides. We took a two week break over the summer and she attended group therapy b/c she didn't have health insurance and she said she wanted to be w/ me again. During the summer I was complete wreck and was rebuilding myself from the ground up.

Recently we had a fight over something small and her once estranged dad contacted her last week and told her he bought a gun recently and he has a history of being suicidal. The combination of everything put her into depression and she said she couldn't understand why someone 8 years older would do something like that and feels like I'm hiding something by not going to therapy. I couldn't even combat that point with her. I had told her everything I did, everything on my mind, taken responsibility, apologized to the appropriate parties, seen a therapist and haven't done anything in 13 years. That's the best I can do short of turning myself in to the police. She's supposed to be seeing a therapist individually and discussing it with them but I have no idea if it's happening. She said she still wanted to be w/ me and asked if she could contact me if she decided it was right. Honestly, I'm getting so tired and spread thin of building myself up and telling myself I'm doing the most that I can to make up for things. When I get reminded that it's not enough and that my legacy is based on an 11 year old boy, especially by someone so close, that's when I refrain from doing things that normally would lead me to being happy. Thanks for listening

Thanks for the honesty, I'll let someone more appropriate comment.

But if I was to express my opinion shortly, just moving on is the only thing you can do from this point. Even though I feel bad, I've never seriously considered injuring myself and neither should you. You were too young to be fully aware of your actions. Were you abused? I was and it stemmed from that. But it does sound too easy to blame that for it.

So what do you do for fun now? You don't just lay in bed all day? Friends? Anything besides TV? What did you used to do? Do you still do that for fun at all today?

-- Tue Nov 03, 2015 8:43 pm --

Question to anybody.

If you were to look at my childhood episode with my cousin what do you think she thinks about it? And my older sister, if I told her? Also what do you think my little sister and my brother think, having already told them?

-- Wed Nov 04, 2015 3:41 pm --

Also one more thing. Even though I've only seen him a hand full of times in my life, what do you think my dad would think of all of this? Would he hate me? I just want to know.

This forum can't really answer those questions - simply cos we don't know any of these people. You can only guess based off of their reactions (you've let most of these people know already, aye?) and what you know of their personality. It'd be great to know all the answers in cases like this, but unfortunately that just ain't possible.

Well I don't know the character of my dad, I've only seen him a few times in my life. My sister is still young, 16. I just wonder what she would think in the future(even though she cried that I was feeling bad And crying). Also what my dad would think about it? Without character, I'd love some answer.

Like I said, I'd have to know his character to answer, which I don't. There's no uniform reaction to this sort of thing based merely off of roles.

I don't know... I thought maybe standard characters. I hope they feel and always are alright and wouldn't hate me.

-- Thu Nov 05, 2015 3:26 pm --

I don't know... I thought maybe standard characters. I hope they feel and always are alright and wouldn't hate me.

At the very least, don't tell your 16-year-old sis about this (at least not right now), heartful. As you say yourself she is still young and I don't think she would hate you but it might make her upset, especially as I think you might relate what you did with quite a lot of emotional intensity. If anything, try to be a happy and supportive older brother as much as you can manage.

It's weird, almost like I'm bipolar. Where I feel horrible when researching articles and other forums about people being abused, and feel neutral. Never felt happy. The deservedness is in there too.

I keep thinking about all of 5 things and thinking, how on earth could I do those things? And why? Especially my little sister and why would I put my genitals on my sleeping brothers mouth? How weird is all of this? I feel undeserving. People would hate me? Will my siblings change their minds and hate me later on?

Should I be weary when telling my therapist and psychiatrist about these things? I feel like I committed a crime. Is it ok?

It wouldn't just be good to tell a therapist these things, it would be necessary. They can't help you unless they know just what haunts you so.

I don't think you would run any risk of getting into legal trouble, although be sure to look up what codes of ethics and such the person you're thinking of going to follows (i.e. over here many follow the BACP [British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy ethical framework) and see what that says about how they would deal with such a thing.