Been meaning to get on here with ages to post this. Around 3 years ago or so I touched my younger cousin who I think is about 10 years younger than me. I was 14, she was 4. I was alone with her in my sister's bedroom, I've thought about the story so many times that I've gotten it half confused as I genuinely can't remember the details, All I remember is that I touched the outer lips of her vagina and then pulled her pants back up when I realised the wrongness of my actions.
A while later when my cousin's mother came back she told her that I had put my hands down her pants. My aunt brought this to the attention of my Mother who walked into my room and asked me if I had done so to which I lied back that she had pulled down her pants and that I had merely pulled them back up again. I honestly think that a lot of my guilt stems from lying also.
I tried to not think about that moment and lived a fairly normal life until around the 3rd quarter of 2013 when the guilt really, really hit me as I thought properly about my actions. I would go through serious periods of guilt where I would feel terrible and it would be the only thought on my mind. These periods would come and go but even when they were at their least stressful I had it on the back of my mind.
The worst period was around late 2014 when my guilt was so bad that I took stomach pain tablets constantly to rid of the pains in my stomach from guilt. Yet again. these periods would come and go.
The Summer of 2015 was great for me, I had a good Summer where those thoughts hardly crossed my mind. When I arrived back to school, about a month ago now, my guilt just started again. I began getting hot flushes (Anxiety symptoms as far as I know) when I think about it and when stressful situations emerge it's the first thing that I think of which leads to hot flushes again. I don't really feel motivated, I'm in my final year and don't have any motivation to do anything like study. When I hear people talking about College I just try not to listen as I know I don't have the heart to study hard to try and get into college. I'd like to admit to my wrongdoings and take the school year out for therapy and counselling. As I write this write now, I feel ok. I find that the worst of my guilt is during school hours and that afterwards I'm ok at best but I'd still like to get this guilt off my chest.
The problem is that I am afraid that if I tell my mother about what I did that she would tell my aunt and that I would be reported to the police, probably sentenced and put on the sex offenders list meaning that I wouldn't be able to get a lot of jobs. I've wanted to tell my mother but I'm afraid of the consequences. I want to get counselling to help me to get rid of my guilt, anxiety and possible depression. I often wonder if I'll ever be able to overcome this guilt and be able to lead a proper life. I've become so used to having this thought on my mind every 2 minutes that I wonder would I be able to not think about it. I regret what I did and would never do it again. When I'm around children I know that I'm not going to abuse them but I'm not able to release this guilt. I honestly think that just admitting what I did to my mother would be half the battle but I really don't know how to say it without serious consequences.
Sorry about the long post, all replies appreciated.