Guilt over touching far younger cousin

Been meaning to get on here with ages to post this. Around 3 years ago or so I touched my younger cousin who I think is about 10 years younger than me. I was 14, she was 4. I was alone with her in my sister's bedroom, I've thought about the story so many times that I've gotten it half confused as I genuinely can't remember the details, All I remember is that I touched the outer lips of her vagina and then pulled her pants back up when I realised the wrongness of my actions.

A while later when my cousin's mother came back she told her that I had put my hands down her pants. My aunt brought this to the attention of my Mother who walked into my room and asked me if I had done so to which I lied back that she had pulled down her pants and that I had merely pulled them back up again. I honestly think that a lot of my guilt stems from lying also.

I tried to not think about that moment and lived a fairly normal life until around the 3rd quarter of 2013 when the guilt really, really hit me as I thought properly about my actions. I would go through serious periods of guilt where I would feel terrible and it would be the only thought on my mind. These periods would come and go but even when they were at their least stressful I had it on the back of my mind.
The worst period was around late 2014 when my guilt was so bad that I took stomach pain tablets constantly to rid of the pains in my stomach from guilt. Yet again. these periods would come and go.

The Summer of 2015 was great for me, I had a good Summer where those thoughts hardly crossed my mind. When I arrived back to school, about a month ago now, my guilt just started again. I began getting hot flushes (Anxiety symptoms as far as I know) when I think about it and when stressful situations emerge it's the first thing that I think of which leads to hot flushes again. I don't really feel motivated, I'm in my final year and don't have any motivation to do anything like study. When I hear people talking about College I just try not to listen as I know I don't have the heart to study hard to try and get into college. I'd like to admit to my wrongdoings and take the school year out for therapy and counselling. As I write this write now, I feel ok. I find that the worst of my guilt is during school hours and that afterwards I'm ok at best but I'd still like to get this guilt off my chest.

The problem is that I am afraid that if I tell my mother about what I did that she would tell my aunt and that I would be reported to the police, probably sentenced and put on the sex offenders list meaning that I wouldn't be able to get a lot of jobs. I've wanted to tell my mother but I'm afraid of the consequences. I want to get counselling to help me to get rid of my guilt, anxiety and possible depression. I often wonder if I'll ever be able to overcome this guilt and be able to lead a proper life. I've become so used to having this thought on my mind every 2 minutes that I wonder would I be able to not think about it. I regret what I did and would never do it again. When I'm around children I know that I'm not going to abuse them but I'm not able to release this guilt. I honestly think that just admitting what I did to my mother would be half the battle but I really don't know how to say it without serious consequences.

Sorry about the long post, all replies appreciated.

I think therapy is definitely a important and necessary step for you to sake, if only to give you a space in which to discuss what you did.

I don't want to pretend what you did was okay - it was wrong, but it doesn't necessarily make you an evil person. While there was a large age gap between you and your cousin you were also still a child yourself and over the last few years your brain will have changed and advanced and will continue to do so into your mid-20s. As such, who *you are* is not yet fixed - there is no reason why you should ever do this again and I think it is clear that you have no intention to.

As for speaking to your mother... I think you have to follow your heart. In some ways, I think offering to make serious amends can be an important step in one's personal journey (I don't believe in 100% redemption, but I think it helps). I have previously offered to go to the police and reported myself to the police here in Britain, but the victim declined to prosecute and I have tried to respect this.

That is to say, registering as a sex offender could well be a very scary thing and it would definitely limit your options - but it wouldn't necessarily be the end of your life either. You are still long. As you committed the act as a minor it is highly unlikely you would have to register for life. They would be light at the end of the tunnel.

I'm not saying registration is necessarily the answer here. I think there are other ways to make amends and live with yourself. I think coming to these forums is a good first step to thanks and congrats for doing so!

I just wanted to add before I go away for a couple of weeks that I hope my response didn't come across as harsh or even too blunt. I don't necessarily think that registration or legal proceedings are the only way to becoming a better, more redeemed and integrated human being (especially not when the behaviour/s were committed as a child) but I also wouldn't want to dismiss what you did as appropriate. I think you know this yourself and can have a happy and healthy future!

Sorry for the late reply, I had been waiting so long for this to be approved that I thought they didn't. I realise you're gone for a while but I said I'd reply anyway.
I would really like to admit to what I did but I fear that the consequences would be huge. That word may get around to other family members if not my locality. Signing up as a sex offender would probably be the worst thing ever, I would probably consider it as the end of my life. I'd pretty much be able to get no jobs and would probably be forced out of my locality. I'd potentially kill myself.
I don't know how I'd say it to my mother, if others could please help me out I'd appreciate it.

uhm here is an idea to consider - why not moving out of state where your mother and possibly all your relatives (including your aunt) resides in, and start with a clean slate over a new area?

take a job over there and slowly builds your life back again. it's not the best but avoiding them is certainly would help to lessen your guilt. I had been touched down the pants when i was young by my babysitter's daughter. My babysitter would be so often busy in the kitchen cooking for us, and she left the her older kids to look after us in our playing room. but at that time i do not understand what it is, so i dont talk about it. i was probably 5-6 years at that time it is happening.

We never met after my family moves across the country - but sometimes it made me think of that days. why she does that and all - i thought i were alone in my own experience. Start your life at a new place - i wish you luck on your life journey

How would I go about admitting to it? In your opinion, how would any mother react to it and what chance do you think there would be of a relative like my aunt reporting me to the Authorities?

Starting a new life for yourself as an adult might be the best thing to do. I think it might take a long time for you to work through this guilt, but your life certainly isn't over. Even when you are talking about potential registration, you are fearful about the future - try to focus, if you can, more on how you feel in the present moment. Yes, you did something which was wrong and can't be taken back, but it doesn't make you a monster, nor does it mean you deserve to die. You can continue with your life - it may not be the same as it would have been if you had not sexually touched your cousin, but that is something that can be lived with.