Extreme Guilt

Hello. This is my first time posting here and I'm extremely nervous. This is very difficult for me to write. I'm a female who when I was 13, allowed my younger male cousin who was 6, to touch me inappropriately. He humped me, kissed me on the lips and touched my crotch. I don't why I never stopped him. A part of just thought it was funny and normal. I really don't know how it all started, that part is a blur to me. I blocked this out of my mind for more than ten years, but I had flashbacks about it three years ago. I felt so sick and disgusted with myself. I tried talking to my mom about it which helped some, but now the guilt has resurfaced and I feel like I don't deserve anything, anyone, or to even live. I feel like a child molester, even though I never asked him to do any of these things, he just did him . I sometimes wonder if he was abused by someone himself since he knew so much for his age. I just want to move on with my life but I don't know how.

-- Thu Oct 01, 2015 10:22 am --

I never forced my cousin to do anything, but I didn't stop him either. I should have said something to his mother but I was afraid that he would switch it around on me. I just wonder why I didn't stop him. This guilt is eating me alive and every day it gets worse. I feel like a disgusting human who doesn't deserve to live and I don't blame if anyone on here is judging me. PMs are welcome.

First off, you are not a disgusting human. Secondly, you deserve to live - full stop. You haven't killed anyone, nor permanently destroyed another person's life. You have as much a right to life as anyone else - the air you breathe, the water you drink, the ground beneath your feet - these things don't and shouldn't belong to anything, they just exist as part of nature, as do you. There is *nothing* wrong or unnatural about your existing.

So, that is the most important stuff and please try to internalise it and know that it is true.

As for your feeling guilty, you were a child yourself. You didn't seek out to be predatory or anything like it - indeed, you weren't seeking power over your cousin. Personally, I think it is entirely possible that he had been abused and was acting out his behaviour. You didn't tell an adult about what happened because you were confused and worried and a child yourself. Being a child is scary and hard! Now you are an adult you look back and feel regret about what the "right thing" to do was - but how could you have known at 13 without hindsight?

You are not a monster, nor a molester. Sure, what happened was unfortunate, but it was not monstrous and you did not behave in an evil or debased way. You deserve to live and you deserve self-compassion and peace.

Thank you so much, Sprock. I think you hit the nail on everything you said. I feel much better now.

That's great and I really do think that's what you deserve! Feel free to come back if you have any questions or worries in the future!

Kind regards,
Sprock