Bad youth event: Sadder as I get older

Thank you in advance for your time.

I have been reading the posts here with great empathy and sadness.

I read some of these posts and I can relate. I cannot remember the exact ages I was, but I think I had a handful of incidents that occurred with my sister. We are close in age, I am just a little older. I don't want to rationalize. Please bear with me though, because maybe it will be useful to explain my mindset and not just the events.

When I think about it now, I feel like I did some things like described on this site -- maybe 5-10 times over our entire time as youths (but it's one time that really haunts me most). As it happened, I think I was socially isolated and we had a lot of time without supervision. But, my curiosity lasted too long, I was kind of naive and I can't remember the last time -- maybe 15 give or take one year.

We always had a good relationship, very positive. Great friends. I think in my mind even though we had reached later adolescence I just was so curious and had no outlets. I had hoped it was kind of a mutual curiosity like little kids.

I think I kind of understood it at the time, because I remember feeling really bad after the one worst time happened.

However, I also don't think I really understood because as I get older I just feel worse and worse.

Around 20, I once apologized to her, not spelling things out but kind of saying sorry for something more mild, but in the ballpark. She said don't worry about it. But as I got older I began to really understand it and I have said sorry for being a bad brother, without mentioning specifics many times. I have asked her if she ever had any events that traumatized her. She said no. I asked her other times about me and about our childhood. She said I was a great brother and she loves our childhood. She says she loves me all the time and has never mentioned any of this. I never spelled it out, but tried to start conversations a lot of times about me being bad...she only says positive things about me. Only one time I felt a tiny bit of coldness or "just get over it" kind of sentiment from her, but I think it is because I might have been harping on and on about the topic, wearing her down, and saying how I wasn't good in the past, but ever since then have tried to be (and it is true, I am very giving and nice ever since) and I think I just wore her out (unless maybe a crack showed that she really just didn't want to talk and think about it, put it behind her, and wanted me to too...) Maybe she doesn't know, doesn't remember, has blocked it out, or simply just didn't think it was a big deal for some reason. Or she just doesn't want to discuss it.

I still wonder and often things trigger very guilty bad feelings for me. I feel like my mother does not like me and I wonder if this is part of it (but she was always kind of like this toward me regardless).

I still sometimes ask my sister about how bad I am or other random things like that. She only says positive things about me. But I know the truth. I would never do anything like that again to anyone, but I feel like now I have a permanently bad life.

Back when we were young I was socially isolated for a number of reasons and we were in a broken home, without much supervision, and occasionally made to share a bed even into teen years just because of the size of the home. I feel like I was thinking about it like a younger kid than I was. But I don't want to make excuses (I know, I just did).

I just don't know what to do. Sometimes things just trigger me into thinking that she and my mom just permanently have bad feelings toward me for things forever unspoken. Nothing gives me the indication that anyone else thinks about this but me, but I am just devastated. Even now, as I began to write this I was afraid to write specifics because the older I get, the more I feel like I understand that it just was bad. I used to kind of give myself more understanding for being a different person then, younger in mind about these things than others my age. But now I just feel more guilty each day. And I feel like I drop more hints about it, mentioning cases in the news and such to someone close to me. But I am afraid to tell anyone and really to hurt anyone who has put their faith in my my disclosing something unnecessary. I am afraid even to tell a professional. I feel like even now, trying to write this in words I am discovering more and more how bad I was. One moment ruined my life and I hope and pray not hers.

I think that is all I can say now. I know I am a different person. But I can't let it go and I cannot stop seeking reassurance from her about our past, even if I don't say the exact words. I don't know if I need to in order to make amends, or if my over and over saying it and being told how much she loves me and how good I am is enough.

I think it might just have to be enough - though being forgiven, loved and accepted is not so small. I think you need to take your sister's word for what it is. She is her own person and if she decides that her feelings have changed on the matter I think she would let you know. It sounds like you were still a child under 18 and while I think older teens have some degree of greater responsibility than, say, a 12-year-old, your brain has kept developing past those events and, in many respects, you are now a different person.

I think it will get easier for you to live with your younger self with time. But I don't think you can keep seeking reassurance from your sister. As you point out yourself, you may well have worn her out previously. You may feel like she should judge you more harshly than she does or that you don't deserve her love - but there comes a point where you must swallow your pride and what you take to be your moral integrity and accept the love of those who love you. I honestly believe that you sister things you are a good person. Hold onto that and let it help you become the best person you can be. Your life is far from over!

Thank you, Sprock, for your reply. It is kind, compassionate, and helpful. I know it takes time and energy to read these posts (especially a long one like my rambling words) and then even more to reply. You are right. I keep think years and years back to try to explain things these days, but living in the here and now make more sense.

Thanks also for responding despite that I did not write every detail. In a way, that might have made the events seem to be more extreme than they were (not minimizing them by any means, as I sad I feel remorseful about them to this day).

One thing about how my story continued years and years since I've grown up, I really always now treat everyone with respect and courtesy. I know I would never do anything wrong to cause someone else emotional damage. I guess that is what it means to learn, grow, and do better every day.

I am glad that I found this forum. It seems to be a supportive and healing, while keeping things realistic too. I hope that something in what I wrote is useful for someone else too.

Thank you. I definitely try to compassion with realism, so you comment is very much appreciated!

I hope it is a safe and useful space from which people can grow, basically!

And you certainly come across as a reflective and considerable human being now as an adult. I didn't feel you were trying to minimise and I have no doubt that you do indeed treat people with respect and courtesy!