I Dont Know What To Do Anymore...

"I have recently remembered something that happened when I was younger that is causing me a lot of guilt and remorse. When I was around 12 I had these girls that I was friends with and we always used to play together. I think they were around the ages 7-9. Well I remember that we were sexually curious with each other. I remember one time when there was some inappropriate dancing and another time where there was touching but it was all over clothing and not for a prolonged period of time. I've just been thinking about it a lot lately because I was the older one so I feel that I am at fault. Although I don't really know if there is any fault in this. I did not think it was wrong at the time nor did I believe that anything we were doing was really serious. I have never really told anyone about this because it happened so long ago and I wouldn't know what to say. I just need some advice desperately! I can't stop blaming myself."

So I posted that about a year ago and recently within the past year my guilt has gotten worse. It's almost like my brain is trying to convince me that I'm a pedophile from that past experience. I know I'm not though. I mean I love kids. But it's like whenever I encounter a child my first thoughts are good and happy and then my mind immediately turns to those memories of what I did when I was younger and I feel like I shouldn't be allowed around that child. These thoughts are really messing up my life. I feel like there are two parts of my brain; one that knows I love kids and would never hurt them and the other part knows that too but wants to punish me for the rest of my life making me relive what I did all the time. I can't get into a relationship because I think about what my partner would think if they found out about what I did when I was younger. It's also starting to make me think I shouldn't have kids and that I will never really find happiness because this has really messed with my head. If anyone has any thoughts about this I would love to hear them. Thanks.

HayleeBrooks wrote:"I have recently remembered something that happened when I was younger that is causing me a lot of guilt and remorse. When I was around 12 I had these girls that I was friends with and we always used to play together. I think they were around the ages 7-9. Well I remember that we were sexually curious with each other. I remember one time when there was some inappropriate dancing and another time where there was touching but it was all over clothing and not for a prolonged period of time. I've just been thinking about it a lot lately because I was the older one so I feel that I am at fault. Although I don't really know if there is any fault in this. I did not think it was wrong at the time nor did I believe that anything we were doing was really serious. I have never really told anyone about this because it happened so long ago and I wouldn't know what to say. I just need some advice desperately! I can't stop blaming myself."

So I posted that about a year ago and recently within the past year my guilt has gotten worse. It's almost like my brain is trying to convince me that I'm a pedophile from that past experience. I know I'm not though. I mean I love kids. But it's like whenever I encounter a child my first thoughts are good and happy and then my mind immediately turns to those memories of what I did when I was younger and I feel like I shouldn't be allowed around that child. These thoughts are really messing up my life. I feel like there are two parts of my brain; one that knows I love kids and would never hurt them and the other part knows that too but wants to punish me for the rest of my life making me relive what I did all the time. I can't get into a relationship because I think about what my partner would think if they found out about what I did when I was younger. It's also starting to make me think I shouldn't have kids and that I will never really find happiness because this has really messed with my head. If anyone has any thoughts about this I would love to hear them. Thanks.

i'm going through similar guilt too just know nothing you did was wrong you were 12 years old you were so young,have you talked to these girls maybe ask them how they feel they were both curious like you i was 11 and was curious too so were alot of people you are not a pedophile you're not a molester a rapist none of that you're a different person you've grown and matured you're brain might say one thing but our brains are not always perfect we don't always have true thoughts also people tend to think thoughts that aren't even true you were just a child please understand this i hope you're okay and you're able to feel better

Haylee, I've replied on your original thread. I hope it is helpful. You will see there that I really, really don't think that you should be so hard on yourself.

misfit killjoy, if you can see the compassion you are giving to haylee here, please try to apply that compassion to your younger self. You deserve it too.