I took advantage when I was 11. It still huants me.

I have never told anyone this. I just need to get it off my chest. When I was 11, I was staying at my mothers and I was sharing a bed with my younger half brother who would have been about 5. Laying in bed one night while he was asleep, I started rubbing his crotch with my foot. At the time I didn't really think about what I was doing. I thought it was funny I suppose. I know I have no one to blame but myself. I was 11, I should have known that was not something I should have done. For the last year it has consumed my life, the guilt of it all. I feel completely disgusted with myself. I actually hate myself. I find it so hard to cope with this burden, I know my OCD doesn't make it any easier. The thing is I know I deserve this guilt. I know I deserve more than this guilt. I just don't even know why I did it. I honestly have never had bad intentions to do anything wrong. I just find it so hard to live with myself. I'm a disgrace. I now have this hug fear that I am going to become a child molester. I feel like I should kill myself, just so I know that I can't hurt anybody else. I just don't know what to do anymore. So know here I am as an 18 year old girl. A disgusting person. I truly do hate myself

Aww hun I'm so sorry you're feeling this way.

You're not a disgusting person and after reading what you did, which is the thing you're probably least proud of about yourself, I don't hate you at all.

You were a child yourself and as you said, you didn't think about what you were doing. You weren't trying to do anything sinister. OK, it was a wrong thing to do and I understand why you're upset with yourself, but you have felt so ashamed for so long that that seems like it's been a lot of punishment for a moment's foolishness.

I've done things I feel ashamed of too, it's part of being human and I know that's such a tough feeling to bear. But what happened is in the past and from what you've said it doesn't sound like you'd do it again. The fact that you feel so bad about it probably shows in itself that you're a good person who did a bad thing, because a bad person wouldn't care so much.

I hope you can find a way to let go of some of this shame. If I was your half brother I'd forgive you without a second thought.

Look after yourself and take care,

Lisa

Not only was what you did really very minor (and probably completely forgotten about by your half-brother) you're now an adult. As such, you can consider your "child self" a fundamentally different person to who you are now. See your 18th year as a fresh start. You are free.

Thank you. You're so right. What I did was in my child life. Now I'm starting my adult life. A fresh new life. Thank you so much!!!

Aw this is so true!

Yay!

You didn't take advantage omg, you were just 11 and curious. I feel like a lot of kids do stuff like this, they just don't grow up feeling bad about it because idk, they're neurotypical maybe (?). You must love your brother, and I'm pretty sure he's fine. You won't become a child molester, just read your own words. You are not a bad person.