I can't cope

When I was around 12 or 13 I fell upon porn and became obsessed with a lesbian sexual act called tribbing, although I'm not lesbian and have never been attracted to women. One summer, the summer after becoming addicted to this type of porn I made the most sick, disgusting, horrific decision I or anyone can can do. I performed this tribbing act on my younger sister and we were both naked ! For awhile I forgot it even happened but I recently remembered and it is tearing me up inside, it's like I became someone else, some freak that seduced this little girl but in the same body. I can't for the life of me understand how I could do something so demented. I have always been fascinated by sex because it was sort of taboo in a way because of my Christian upbringing, and when I fell upon porn it took control of me. I honestly don't think I deserve to live a happy life, I feel like a sick incestuous pedophile that deserves to rot in hell forever. I have tried so hard to forgive myself, but to wake up every morning and know that I did something like this terrorizes me, even though I know she doesn't remember and me, her and my other the little sister have fun together. I don't know what to do with myself, I was raised by just my mother and she thinks the world of em since I have always helped her and am now a junior in college. I cant tell my mom it will ruin everything. I just can believe that just one minute would burden my life forever. How can I accept people calling me this great person when I'm the exact opposite, nobody knows what I've done, that's why I feel like it's better if I were to die off somewhere and so I won't have to live with this. What should I do? I still struggle with this porn addiction to same exact type of porn that caused this nasty disaster. I just wish it never happened, why couldn't I have kept this crap to myself? I don't think I can bear what I did, taking sexual advantage of my baby sister I think will literally be the death of me.

Baby doll, don't be too hard on yourself!

The internet has made a while generation FUBAR, I've grown to believe. Porn puts too many ideas in too many kids' heads too early in life.

At 12 or 13 you're just at, to me, that age where you sorta kinda know better than to do some things but the control circuits still haven't quite become fully energized. At that age, kids do stupid things.

Look... It's normal for kids to experiment. Usually about the same ages but even so, siblings are, well, handy. They're there at hand and this stuff happens. She doesn't remember it. You're not a monster. Heck you forgot about it, too! It's not like you have a history of repeated abuse.

I know it's hard to forgive yourself, but you have to, in my opinion, before you let this eat you up. You did a stupid thing but it's done and over. What happened in adolescence, stays in adolescence. You're not going to do this to a child again, right? You were a child yourself at the time, right? You have to let it go. It's not easy, I know. But torturing yourself does no good. You'll be a far better sister IMO by putting this behind you and setting your sights on the future.

Thank you so much, I'm going to try and move on by not thinking about it and hopefully I won't feel like such a bad person anymore !

I agree. You were a young child and didn't have the sense or impulse control that you have now. In a very literal sense you are a different person. The best way you can make it back to your sister is by being the best sister you can possible be.

As for hell, the idea of sending anyone to hell for something they did as a kid just seems so wrong to me. But, perhaps more importantly, it is very unlikely to exist. The idea of sentencing someone to eternal punishment for finite behaviour makes no sense... remember, your time on Earth is the smallest smallest fraction of a second compared to infinity. It would be like marking an exam paper 'F-' based on the way you picked up your pencil before you even started writing!

I still find the idea of hell scary as a guy in my late 20s... but I can also see it's obviously invented by humans. People don't like the fact that life is unfair and that sometimes bad things happen to wonderful people and other people can so horrible things and reap no consequence. People comfort themselves with the thought of their enemies suffering forever while they look on happily from heaven. But since this world is messy and chaotic and not organised as 'all good' or 'all evil' I don't think it is likely that any place after this would be organised like that either.

In short, you don't deserve hell or eternal punishment (which isn't going to happen anyway). You are just punishing yourself and your sister will be best served by you putting the past behind you and treating her now with kindness and happiness Good luck and all the best!