Not sure what happened

Thanks again, sorry for constantly badgering you. But I can't stop thinking thinking about this encounter. Most of my focus seems to be on when she hesitated and I decided to do go down on her. My thinking was motivated by the fact that I thought she was going to say no because the initial encounter had been maybe difficult for her. However, I should have spent longer talking to her. I know it made no difference in the end. But the fact that I carried on because of fear of rejection and what that would mean makes me quite sad and I feel like that's not consistent with how I view myself as a person.

I acted impulsively because I didn't want her to have a bad experience. But ultimately that's her choice. I know I would've stopped if I sensed she wasn't comfortable with it but that's not good enough. I'm not sure if this makes sense, but every time I think of my impulsive action I feel bad.

Hi confused, the impression I get is that you're a very considerate person.

Sex is ultimately about consent, but there's nothing wrong with a little spontaneity. The fact that she was comfortable and intimate afterwards speaks volumes. If she had felt violated she probably would have been awkward or stand offish.

I'm very much of the thought that women (and men for that matter) should be absolutely clear about when they are refusing consent. That means a clear, firm "NO" or "STOP", even pushing the partner away or, if that doesn't work, be more physically defensive.

People can't mind read. We have to learn to communicate clearly. Women shouldn't be patronised.

Sex isn't always delicate. Sometimes the most exciting sex involves a dominant partner or a firm initiation. But as long as there is clear communication when it is NOT wanted, there should be no problem.

In your case, you didn't do anything wrong, and if she did happen to feel violated then it's also not your fault because it wasn't communicated to you. Like I said, we can't mind read and sometimes sex can be a bit primal and based on body language.

Be at peace and keep talking to her about how you feel if you think it'll help.

epiphany55 wrote:I'm very much of the thought that women (and men for that matter) should be absolutely clear about when they are refusing consent. That means a clear, firm "NO" or "STOP", even pushing the partner away or, if that doesn't work, be more physically defensive.

People can't mind read. We have to learn to communicate clearly. Women shouldn't be patronised.

That's definitely ideal, but I think that confidence comes with age - which is why I think the push towards 'a clear, enthusiastic Yes' = consent is a Good Thing, especially for teenagers / young people.

That said, I think one can generally tell if someone is a bit anxious, or not sure, or not in the mood and the important thing is to immediately back of and check in when confronted with that situation, not to try to push things further, badger or "be seductive" even if you're in a relationship or already messing around in your underwear... like, ideally it wouldn't get to that point, but I think it can be hard for young people (and young women in particular) to police their boundaries firmly and clearly because they've been told over and over again by society to be nice and polite and generally not kick up too much of a fuss.

Although this is much more in respect to the sexually abusive incident/ assault I perpetrated... I certainly don't think the OP did anything wrong and it is absolutely clear that the girl involved is totally fine and comfortable with what happened between them