Not sure what happened

Hi,

A few months ago I had a sexual encounter. I've never really thought about it but now I feel guilt.
Myself and a friend were kissing at a party, we went to her bedroom. She said she didn't want to have full on sex because she wasn't on the pill and I said ok. She said we could do other things. She started to go down on me but as I drank too much (she wasn't drinking) I couldn't get it up.

After a while I said, "this isn't working do you want me to go down on you". She didn't say anything but I thought she looked a bit guilty so I said "it's ok, I don't mind, I'll do it". I went down on her and she seemed to really enjoy it. I also wanted to do it because I din't want to be selfish and wanted to make her feel good. She was guiding my head and hand along with providing instructions.

Afterwards, she felt my crotch area but I said no and we cuddled and chatted until we fell asleep.
The next few weeks, I saw her a few times and it was normal, we joked about it a bit.

However, after reading about affirmative consent, I'm starting to feel guilty that I didn't talk to her more before I went down on her. Although I thought she was feeling guilty, maybe she didn't want me to do it but didn't want to say no. Her body language indicated she was happy but now I'm wondering if I misinterpreted it and she just went along with it.

I think you navigated the situation pretty decently from what you've said. You listened to the fact that she didn't want to have intercourse and never questioned it; you were actively concerned with what she wanted to do and making her feel good; you cuddled together afterwards - you didn't just leave or end the friendship. TBH I would even go as far as saying that you were in the more vulnerable position due to the fact that you were drunk and she wasn't. However, she listened immediately to your 'no' and didn't try anything else sexual with you after that.

In the future it's definitely best to ask explicitly and wait for an answer before you move onto a new sexual act, especially one that hasn't been tried before. However, there is no way the law or any reasonable person would consider what you did (based on your description) assault or abusive. It sounds like the interactions of two normal, decent human beings who made sure not to hurt the other one. That's great and if all sexual interactions at parties were as careful and mutual then we'd have a much better society.

So, in short, don't feel guilty - especially as this might unfairly burden your relationship with your friend. You're 100% okay and I don't say that easily or without reason!

Thanks very much Sprock. This was really helpful and I appreciate you taking the time to give some really good analysis.

I suppose the area that's really bugging me is the fact that maybe she didn't want me to do it but she didn't want to say "no" once it started. She might just have gone along with it because that would have been easier because she might have felt pressured. I have no evidence that this was the case but I can't stop thinking about it.

I think the fact that you have no evidence for this suggests to me that it is something that you have conjured up to make you anxious. Honestly, I think you would know in your gut if you'd been pushy or made her do something she didn't want to do. As said, the fact that she has joked about what happened is a good indicator that she feels totally fine about it. Enjoy your friendship!

Thanks again sprock. I talked to her, she said it "was the best head she ever got" which momentarily put my mind at ease, sorry for the crudeness. However,thinking about it, I remember really wanting to do it for her to make the situation less of an awkward interaction for both of us. I also however think that i went down on her as quickly as I could after i initially asked her so she didn't say no. If she said no, i thought that would be horrible and i wanted her to feel better. She told me that the reason she didn't say anything was that she didn't think i would want to do it. However, at the time i think it's possible that i thought the initial interaction had affected her so much that she would not be in the mood and in my eagerness to make it better i wanted to act because i thought she was about to say no.

This is something which i only thought of yesterday but it is really troubling me. I'm not sure if I'm inventing this to torture myself or i actually thought it at the time. I acted impulsively and never thought in a verbal sense.

I honestly think you are torturing yourself. Really, truly!

I think in future you will know to better pace yourself and ask more carefully in advance - but the fact that she didn't say anything because she thought *you* wouldn't want to do it suggests that she felt in control of the situation and was absolutely in a position to say 'no', move away or otherwise indicate she wasn't interested.

The fact is, she was very much interested and you gave her - by the sounds of it - great sex. This isn't something to be ashamed of. I'm glad you're both still friends and it really sounds like she is and was happy with the experience. You really don't need to worry.

Thanks again, Sprock. You're doing a great work and you've really helped me. I'm definitely going to be more careful in the future.

This might sound kind of strange but I know I didn't hurt her, it's more about my own personal morality. If it is the case that I wanted to do it before I thought she would say no because I thought it would be too awkward, what does that mean for my own morals?

Although I've hurt nobody, is it possible I still acted immorally?

Hmm I think it would be too strong to say that you acted immorally because 1.) Your friend was very much an active partner in what happened - indeed, you were drunk and she wasn't (not to say that I think she exploited you, but I think it's possible that if there was any power imbalance it was tipped in her favour 2.) You didn't hurt anyone 3.) It is very clear that if there had been any indication she wanted you to stop or change what you were doing, you would have done it.

You are a decent human being and totally don't deserve to be feeling guilty!

Thanks again. However, when you say a bit strong to say immoral, I can't help but feel that it was a bit immoral.

Also, while I'm trying to come around to the idea that I'm not guilty, I'm finding it quite difficult. I still think about it all the time. Just the fact that I've spent so long thinking about it makes me feel guilty.

Thanks again Sprock

Well, personally I don't think it was immoral at all - though I think it is good that you have recognised that clearly asking before each new sexual act is definitely the way to go! But your behaviour was not coercive, abusive or predatory in the slightest - as said, you were drunk while your friend was not so if anything I think you were in the slightly more vulnerable position.

But neither of you behaved horribly or even badly and you're still friends. You are no criminal or abuser. Focus on the friendship that you two share