I'm a horrible person, please help *may trigger, I'm sorry*

Hi,

((I'm sorry it's so long))

I'm a [mod EDIT: current age reacted] year old female and a few months ago, I remembered some things that I did in my childhood that made my stomach drop. When I was around 11 or 12 and my younger sister was around 5 or 6, I did some sexual activities with her. 1) We played a game where I would tell her to suck on my developing breast, which happened 2-3 times. 2) We shared a room so I would kiss her bare buttocks, ((not inside the hole)) ~2 times for maybe 10seconds while she was asleep 3) I exposed myself to her once 4) I kissed her oncee on the lips while we played some taxi game that lasted a minute 5) I kissed her chest once and kissed the top of her vagina but stopped immediately because I thought it was gross. I did feel good tingling sensations that I couldn't describe, that went from good to 'eh' which I now know what they are

This whole encounter happened no longer than 2 weeks and I never forced her or hit her or bribed her in any way, but I did tell her not to tell anyone because I was scared of getting in trouble. Maybe a day or two after the last encounter happened, I suddenly became disgusted with myself and really came to terms of what I actually did. I brought my sister in a room and apologized to her but again, told her not to tell anyone. Fast forward to a few months ago when I was watching TV and the Josh Duggar story came on. I went to the bathroom and threw up everything and I felt like I was going to pass out.

I started to do research based on child-on-child abuse and came to the conclusion that I really messed up my sisters life. I needed to get my sisters take on it so I talked to her about it. But I didn't force her to say anything, I started the conversation with 'do you remember what happened to you 5 years ago'. She said she remembered a little bit and then I started to cry. I told her again how sorry I was and that I wasn't going to ever violate her boundaries like that again, then I asked her how she felt. She told me that for a little while she felt guilty for what WE did. I just remember having my heart drop and I repeated told her that it wasn't her fault and that everything that happened was my fault because I was older and I should of known better. I didn't tell her everything that I did because I didn't want her to have to relive it, but the things she did know, I didn't push them away or try to refuse them. I then told her that if she wanted to talk to our parents about it, then I'm on board with her decision but she said that she didn't want to. I offered therapy but she doesn't want it either. I told her that if at anytime she wanted to talk to someone about it then she could but I suggested that she should tell someone about it.

My sister is an intelligent, beautiful, outgoing, lively, funny girl but I feel like I failed her as an older sister. I used to be so distant after the fact ((not letting her touch me, hug me, kiss me etc)) because I thought I was going to hurt her. I never saw my sister in the romantic way or any other child for that matter, it was like a switch turned on, then switched off and now I just feel like utter crap. I volunteer my time working with younger children and the fact that it happened around that age really sickens me to the point where I have to leave the room. I just can't imagine what my sister will/might go through at my age if her memories start to resurface because it's not the type of feeling I would wish on my worst enemy, let alone my own flesh and blood. When reading about symptoms of abuse, one of them being thumbsucking, I froze because my sister is now 10 years old and she still has that habit. It makes my heart stop because knowing that I am either likely or might be the cause of that scares me.

I have contimplated so many ways to tell my parents before its way too late but I don't want to go against my sisters wishes in fear of resurfacing feelings. I really do care for my sister and I feel like she's not telling me how she really feels because she doesn't want to hurt my feelings when I made it clear that I don't want her to feel like she has to protect my feelings

Every story I read about sexual abuse perpetrators plays on the fact that they were abused as a child, but for me it wasn't really the case, I just always have been a sexualized kid which scares me because what if I was abused but I don't even know? I have been sexual experimental with 3 other kids my age throughout my childhood but it was mutual as well as nothing near as bad as with my sister and it happened once for each, then we would play normally. I had therapy when I was younger, maybe in grade 8 but for depression and I just wished I would of talked to them about this.

I think my main fear is having my sister hate herself or have problems in the future because of this and I feel like I can never forgive myself. I didn't ask my sister for forgiveness but it minutes of speaking with her, she said she forgave me the first time I apologized which makes me feel worse because of how incredible she is.

There are days where I feel like I forgave myself and for a week I didn't think as much about it, but then I would wake up and all the memories would come flushing back and then the process starts again. I've met so many great people in my life and my parents are great, hard working people and it crushes me to think that I'm walking around with a mask, being such a great child and a straight A student when I did this. I don't think I could see these people's faces and basically feel like they failed, especially my parents but when it comes down to it, it's my sisters feelings above everything else.


At the time, i didnt see this as 'abusive' behaviour, as abuse to me meant physically hurting someone with your hand or slapping someone, but obviously if i told my sister not to tell anyone then I knew it was wrong, I just didn't grasp HOW wrong it was. I just thought I was going to be grounded by my parents or spanked, not potentially screwing up someone's life. I've read a lot of stories simular to mine, as well as people who feel the same way as I do but I just can't bring myself to feel better because I feel like I'm 'shoving it under the rug' and pretending it didn't happen.

I've heard 'let it be in the past' or 'you were a child!', but so are a lot of people who are being prosecuted and I don't feel any better than any of them. I'm not searching for any sympathy because I knew what I did was beyond words. I sometimes wish life had a restart button where I could go back and be the role model my sister deserves.

You neither are nor were the same as Josh Duggar. You were still a young child yourself. While he was still a child, he was an older teenager. He continued doing what he did until the age you are now! Moreover, he continued his behaviour night after night, exploiting the fact that his victims were asleep. Also TBH I feel like a fair amount of the anger directed as Duggar has been due to the hypocrisy of his behaviour. You do not come across whatsoever like the kind of human being who is homophobic or prejudiced or would try to lecture others about leaving a moral life, yet this is exactly what Josh Duggar made his career and money doing.

While you find it hard to take on board people telling you to 'let it be in the past' or 'you were a child' you must accept that there is some merit to what they have been saying. The fact is, an 11 or 12-year-old does not have nearly the same development of morality as an adult... or indeed, a 16 or 17-year-old teenage child (if you want to compare to Duggar). Your brain was literally very different to how it is now - in a very real, objective, scientific sense, you were a different person.

Now this doesn't mean that you have to forget what you learnt about boundaries, but it also means accepting that you should hold hold yourself as a small child accountable to the same standards that you hold yourself to today. You mention that volunteering with small children (which is a lovely and good thing to do) sometimes triggers your sense of guilt and self-loathing, but if you were to volunteer with an 11-year-old do you think you would judge them as harshly if they revealed that they'd done something similar to what you did at that age?

I also wish wish wish more than anything that there was a "reset" button. I would quite happily give away anything I own and all my accomplishments to undo what I feel guilty about in the past. But sadly this is not possible. It simply isn't. However, you can live for the future and deserve to do so.

At the moment, you're still technically a child yourself. In however many months when you become an adult I suggest that you allow yourself to draw a firm line in the sand. Society has that line and so you can too. You can see yourself as no longer being the child that you were and work forward towards making the world a better place. You seem like a kind and reflective person so I have no doubt that the world will benefit from your being in it!

I think you have done all you can and all that should be expected of you in trying to be accountable. You addressed openly and without self-defence what you did to your sister and she accepted your apology. You made it clear that she can frame what happened however she likes and that you will do what she wants in response to what you did. She has said she is fine and you have made it clear that it wasn't her fault. Now you need to extend care and compassion to yourself. Whatever you think, you deserve that and I'm sure it's also what your sister wants.