I didn't know what hell is until now :(

I am a 25 year old Male and I have severe depression and anxiety. I have a beautiful girlfriend who I have been with nearly 3 years and she has put up with a lot because of me.
This last while I have been doing well and feeling a good bit better. All that changed about 3 weeks ago.
My girlfriend was chatting to me and I can't fully remember how this topic came up but she asked me when I was younger did I shower with my brother or alone. I said I showered with my brother and she said that was child abuse. I didn't think anything much off it at the time until a few days after. I had a flashback of being in the shower with my younger brother who is less than 3 years younger than me.
I think I was between 6-8 and my brother being 3-5. There is no easy way to say this and I don't honestly know why I did it but I put his penis in my mouth an sucked it for a few seconds. I honestly remember it not being sexual,I just thought it was funny.
I can remember my brother saying eww and saying I was gay.
He told my dad and my sister who is a year older than me.
I cant fully remember what they told me but they explained that what I did was wrong. We never showered again after that and I never sexually abused him again ever.
I did a lot of research online and I know I crossed the boundary of sibling sexual exploration when I forced his penis in my mouth.
I feel suicidal for a lot of reasons.
I cant cope with the guilt, shame and fear of what I have done.
I cant eat properly and I tried overdosing on paracetamol but I was too cowardly to take more than 4 at one time. I go and see my girlfriend and she just thinks I an depressed and anxious.
The doctor gave me diazapam, propanalol and martazipine but nothing is strong enough to take away my mental pain. I want to tell my girlfriend about this but I am so scared that I will lose her, a part of me feels like I deserve to be punished for what I did.
I am scared to ask my brother if he remembers what happened.
I am scared my brother remembers the incident and it messes with his head
I cant live with myself knowing what I have done and knowing that I could have hurt my brother.
I am not blaming my parents but if we never showered together this would never have happened.
I know its too late for ifs and buts. Apart from that incident I had great childhood and my parents were really good to me, my brother and sister.
Is there anyone out there that could give me advice on what to do before I end it all?

I can't realy relate with you, since I was on the other side being the victim of numerous abuses, all I can do is tell you my earliest memory of abuse was when I was 7 like I can recall it all, and I can remember some memories pain and pictures from when I was 4.The vague memory from when I was 4, I had the impression something that had happened was realy wrong...and I didn't like it at all(I wrote in more detail about this memory in one of my previous posts)...Maybe people are different and what YOU did to your brother was forgotten, but normally it's not that easy, such forcible encounters they normally get branded into your brains and stay there forever, you can either recall them fully or pieces of them like a smell, sound a vague picture!
Can more damage be done by talking about it to the victim, still I can just speak here from my personal experience, since alot more was done to me than someone sucking my penis, I was abused over and over for many years so this may sound extreme, but all I realy want is to never ever see my opressors again and continue my life wihtout ever getting close to them.

I once was alone in a car with one of my opressors, I don't know if he wanted to abuse me again or clear things out, no clue, he even tried touching me, he put his hand on my knee, like at the end of the last resident evil flick where leon puts his hand on ada's leg and she removes it. There wasn't realy much conversation going on from my side, cause I was soo full of rage having 2 be with him in the same space again, but I guess he understood my body language, if looks could kill, I mean I was furious then, just wanting to get out of the car, before I would snap this guy's neck, and break the fingers that were laying on my kneecap, but then that maybe would result in a car crash, and I didn't want that to happen. He tried to start a conversatiom a couple times but all I did was look him in the eye with all my rage and pain stored up to make him see that he better not approach me again or something real bad will happen, he stopped trying to approach me and soon we arrived at our location, gladly this was the last time I ever saw him, guess he understood that I never ever wanted to see him again.

No clue if that will help you, what I want to say, you shouldn't cuddle yourself in the sheets of, maybe he doesn't remember, and be prepared to deal with rage, though if all that happened was you sucking your brother's dick, maybe he already forgave you, well what do I know...only way 2 find out is figure it out yourself I guess, if it bothers you sooo much!

Just don't expect everything being flowers and unicorns after you cleared out stuff, stuff doesn't work that way, ever.

Please don't hate yourself. You were young, boundaries were loose and I agree your parents should not have let you showered together. Your brother told your family, they explained this was wrong and you never did it again. I think you are so strong and brave. You have learned this and have now an enlightened view of abuse and its effects on people. Love yourself, forgive yourself. I don't know what your relationship with your girlfriend is now but some people bring out the best in us and some bring out the not so best. My husband recently told me that his sister abused him- however as he was young he didn't know anything was worng and didn't view it as abuse. he has no hate towards his sister. I love my husband even more since he told me this. however when he was younger he told a previous girlfiend and the relationship broke down and she couldn't cope and instead of supporting him she actually started to erode his coping mecahnisms. He went to a counsellor and she told him that if you put silver beside gold, the silver will eventually erode the gold.
Please take comfort that your not alone, and can have a beautiful life, you will get married and have children and a job and be happy. This is not what you are so please don't fall into a pit of despair.

anonym123 wrote:I can't realy relate with you, since I was on the other side being the victim of numerous abuses, all I can do is tell you my earliest memory of abuse was when I was 7 like I can recall it all, and I can remember some memories pain and pictures from when I was 4.The vague memory from when I was 4, I had the impression something that had happened was realy wrong...and I didn't like it at all(I wrote in more detail about this memory in one of my previous posts)...Maybe people are different and what YOU did to your brother was forgotten, but normally it's not that easy, such forcible encounters they normally get branded into your brains and stay there forever, you can either recall them fully or pieces of them like a smell, sound a vague picture!
Can more damage be done by talking about it to the victim, still I can just speak here from my personal experience, since alot more was done to me than someone sucking my penis, I was abused over and over for many years so this may sound extreme, but all I realy want is to never ever see my opressors again and continue my life wihtout ever getting close to them.

I once was alone in a car with one of my opressors, I don't know if he wanted to abuse me again or clear things out, no clue, he even tried touching me, he put his hand on my knee, like at the end of the last resident evil flick where leon puts his hand on ada's leg and she removes it. There wasn't realy much conversation going on from my side, cause I was soo full of rage having 2 be with him in the same space again, but I guess he understood my body language, if looks could kill, I mean I was furious then, just wanting to get out of the car, before I would snap this guy's neck, and break the fingers that were laying on my kneecap, but then that maybe would result in a car crash, and I didn't want that to happen. He tried to start a conversatiom a couple times but all I did was look him in the eye with all my rage and pain stored up to make him see that he better not approach me again or something real bad will happen, he stopped trying to approach me and soon we arrived at our location, gladly this was the last time I ever saw him, guess he understood that I never ever wanted to see him again.

No clue if that will help you, what I want to say, you shouldn't cuddle yourself in the sheets of, maybe he doesn't remember, and be prepared to deal with rage, though if all that happened was you sucking your brother's dick, maybe he already forgave you, well what do I know...only way 2 find out is figure it out yourself I guess, if it bothers you sooo much!

Just don't expect everything being flowers and unicorns after you cleared out stuff, stuff doesn't work that way, ever.

I am so sorry to hear that you have been abused and the pain that you have suffered. I honestly expect that I will never fully recover or recover at all from this.

Thanks for your kind words. It really helped me when I read it.
You seem like a very understanding and caring person.
However now I feel just as bad. It breaks my heart chatting to my girlfriend and pretending that I am ok. I don't know what I can do. I could kill myself now but that only brings my pain away. The people left behind are left hurt with a lot of unanswered questions.
I am due to see a therapist but I am scared to talk about everything. I don't know how he/she will react if I tell them what I did.

-- Thu Aug 27, 2015 4:20 pm --

Can anyone else give me advice on what I should do and should I tell a therapist?

Anon1111 wrote:I am so sorry to hear that you have been abused and the pain that you have suffered. I honestly expect that I will never fully recover or recover at all from this.

You needn't be sorry for me, this is what formed me and what conflicts me, it just IS. I did write that down for you, 'cause you said you are caught in a 'hellish situation/state' I thought the perspective of a victim might help you approach the people you think you hurt.

You were a literal child, you shouldn't feel such guilt over this to the point you try and overdose.

Since you do, it might be helpful to see a therapist. Just tell them what you told us, and they'll help you through this. You don't deserve to experience such torment, the suffering far outweighs the crime in this case.

As a child, and seeing as this was a brief encounter that you hardly remember, you shouldn't feel guilty for childish curiosity. Was it inappropriate? Well of course, but by all means it was not an action done out of malice and an action done out of ignorance Forgive yourself friend.

Just adding that I strongly agree with those posters who stress that you were a very young child. At such an age, things are far more confused and confusing than for an adult. A young child does not have a developed sense of morality, especially not when it comes to personal boundaries. You would not condemn any other 6 or 8-year-old as harshly as you are condemning your younger self. Please have some compassion for the child that you were.