This last while I have been doing well and feeling a good bit better. All that changed about 3 weeks ago.
My girlfriend was chatting to me and I can't fully remember how this topic came up but she asked me when I was younger did I shower with my brother or alone. I said I showered with my brother and she said that was child abuse. I didn't think anything much off it at the time until a few days after. I had a flashback of being in the shower with my younger brother who is less than 3 years younger than me.
I think I was between 6-8 and my brother being 3-5. There is no easy way to say this and I don't honestly know why I did it but I put his penis in my mouth an sucked it for a few seconds. I honestly remember it not being sexual,I just thought it was funny.
I can remember my brother saying eww and saying I was gay.
He told my dad and my sister who is a year older than me.
I cant fully remember what they told me but they explained that what I did was wrong. We never showered again after that and I never sexually abused him again ever.
I did a lot of research online and I know I crossed the boundary of sibling sexual exploration when I forced his penis in my mouth.

I feel suicidal for a lot of reasons.
I cant cope with the guilt, shame and fear of what I have done.
I cant eat properly and I tried overdosing on paracetamol but I was too cowardly to take more than 4 at one time. I go and see my girlfriend and she just thinks I an depressed and anxious.
The doctor gave me diazapam, propanalol and martazipine but nothing is strong enough to take away my mental pain. I want to tell my girlfriend about this but I am so scared that I will lose her, a part of me feels like I deserve to be punished for what I did.
I am scared to ask my brother if he remembers what happened.
I am scared my brother remembers the incident and it messes with his head

I cant live with myself knowing what I have done and knowing that I could have hurt my brother.
I am not blaming my parents but if we never showered together this would never have happened.
I know its too late for ifs and buts. Apart from that incident I had great childhood and my parents were really good to me, my brother and sister.
Is there anyone out there that could give me advice on what to do before I end it all?