Did I abuse my nephew when I was 14?

When I was 14 I shared a bed with my nephew who was 8 and one night I went to bed and was wondering what it would be like to touch anther penis so when he was asleep I touched his and I wandered what it was like to be touched so I put his hand on mine. I only did it once and never actually wanted to do it. I don't really know why I did. I feel really bad and depressed over this. Did I do something really bad? I never gave it a second thought till a few years later. I convinced myself that I was a abuser and bad person. Am I???

I think it was inappropriate and, yes, perhaps abusive - **BUT** you were a child. As an adult now you should not be defined by who you were as a child. Your brain has changed - at a very literal, objective level you are a different person. If your nephew does not seem to be showing ill effects or - indeed - does not know what happened, I think you need to draw a line in the sand and leave your childhood behind.

But doesn't abuse involve manipulation, hurt, malicious intent etc??
I didn't have any of these. I was just purely curious because I didn't know what it was like to touch or be touched. I didn't plan it, fantasize about it, or feel any attraction. I just remember feeling curious and feeling kinda bad so I stopped.That's all that happen as far as i can remember

teardrop_ wrote:But doesn't abuse involve manipulation, hurt, malicious intent etc??

When I was younger I believed that hurtful, abusive or criminal actions were always committed very deliberately with malicious intent i.e. a person thinking "I'm going to hurt this people and it's evil and I don't care!!" Nowadays (and after much self-reflection and time on these forums) I think this is very rarely the case. There is a small percentage of people who are sociopaths and who only see other humans as means to an end - props with which they can do what they want. But most humans aren't like that. More humans don't want to cause harm, but can still act in thoughtful, stupid or inappropriate ways - and yes, even abusive ways. If something didn't seem "okay" or justifiable in the moment, then the person wouldn't do it. When I committed the abusive act for which I feel near-constant remorse I didn't think I was doing anything evil... maybe cheeky but I had a whole host of things buzzing around my mind that excused what I was doing and justified it as appropriate. But intent isn't magic and it is entirely possible to do something abusive without evil intent.

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That said I don't think what you did was monumentally abusive. It was wrong because he was quite a bit younger than you and - equally as important - was asleep. Personally I think touching someone genitally when they are asleep, especially if they are a child, counts as sexual abuse, but other people's opinions will differ. There is rarely any legal category that defines "abuse" so really it would be up to the individual who experienced the act to decide and I don't know if your nephew was aware of what happened or how he now feels about it.

**THIS IS THE IMPORTANT BIT** What you did does not have to mark you or shame you for life. As you say, you didn't have malicious intent. But, more importantly , you were a child and it is wrong to judge a child in the same way as we do adults. Nor should adults be held forever responsible for what they did as children. Your brain wasn't developed like it is now. You are very literally a different person.

So I think it is entirely possible to accept that what you did was wrong, but that you can also draw a line in the sand after it and consider yourself - as a young adult - a different person to who you were. I don't think you were a bad person. I think you were a foolish and immature and maybe selfish child in that instance. But that was when you were a child. As a young adult you are clearly self-reflective and moral and wouldn't do that again. So I don't think you should feel depressed or bad. Leave it behind you.