crippling guilt and pain over past when young. (may trigger)

hello, I am a 22 year old female diagnosed with aspergers, depression, OCD. for years I have suffered OCD but lately the past few years the guilt over my past is killing me and I dont know what to do, I was taken upstairs by a boy a year older than me when I was about 8 who lay on top of me asked me to play a game and rubbed up me and made me strip and show him my private parts, my sister who was about 18 at the time came up to find me and shouted at me telling me I was very wrong to get naked, my parents never mentioned it but I felt dirty and confused, my childhood was happy enough until I was 9 except the trauma of my parents arguing constantly, when I was 9 my mother met my stepfather who was at first nice but over the years verbally abused me and threatened to physically beat me, my mother turned to alcohol and used to get drunk often.

I was always very frightened and many times had to ask my father to pick me up from the house at 2 or 3 in the morning, I was very mixed up and confused, when I was about 9 I asked my cousin who was about 5/6 if he wanted to play a game and did what the boy did to me when I was 9, looking back I did not think it was wrong and was probably stimulating what happened to me and this continued until I was about 14 I knew not to get caught and always made sure we were fully clothed if we heard people coming upstairs. so I feel as though I am to blame also which kills me.

there was never ever intercourse but oral and dry humping, at the same time aged about 10 or 11/12 I started to hurt my pets, I would put my arms around my cats neck and squeeze and put him in a bag and throw him around and try to push him out of the window onto the ledge. the manifestation of the pain and confusion I was feeling as a child/very young teen was taken out in these forms. I also did the same to our small dog, and pulled some of the fur off our guinea pig. I

stopped and loved the pets after the times after that and never hurt them again. I am sickened and disgusted now I am not the same person I was back then I would never ever DREAM of hurting animals or kids now I love animals and have had many since who I have loved so much, my guilt started as I hit 15 and now I am crippled by pain and guilt and dont know what to do, I do want to tell my parents but fear if I did they would disown me or that the side I hurt may hurt me if they found out what I did I am in utter turmoil and have to do rituals in my head over and over again which serves as a ''blanket'' and punishment of what I did, I also have anxiety and panic attacks all day and night over it. I have had councilling for years in the past regarding depression but have never told anyone about this, and was diagnosed with aspergers aged 16 though we knew I had it as a child.

I am unsure if this is the right forum to be posting this in as I am brand new to this site and having found so many stories like mine I decided to take the ultimate step and see if I could too get some help and advice.

hi -

I am going to mirror into our "Remorse" forum, so it will be in both places.

I think you need to look at this in parts.

OCD (anxiety) may be playing a part in this, in so far as the "thoughts" may be relentless and your anxiety is high. But it also seems like the depression is playing a big part in it.

The only outstanding question I would ask is, now that you and your cousin are grown up, has he discussed those days with you? Do you have a good relationship with him?

I do not think involving your family at this point would be wise. But taking, as you say, "the ultimate step and see if I could too get some help and advice.", would be an excellent step. Then, if at anytime, you feel the need to talk to someone in your family, or your cousin, etc, you will have your therapist there to work on a plan with you. BUt you alos may find, that wokring these things on your own is better, and never bringing it up to family members would be best, because they may not understand. DO NOT let your OCD force you to confess anything. If you at that stage, please get help and avoid the pain that OCD can cause.

On a personal note- when I was a boy I likewise abused cats and dogs we had. Not badly, but that I caused fear and anxiety in them, haunts me to this day.

BUT!!! Whenever those feelings and memories rise and start to get a hold of me, I stop them and make a promise (again) to help animals. I volunteer at a pet shelter, I donate money, and I dog sit.

In fact, in the old days I used to have a great method of not brooding on it. Whenever I started to think about them for a length of time, I had to go to the internet and donate $25 to an animal cause of my choice. It was not punishment - it was a way to turn the negative of the past, into a postive for the future. It helped get rid of the pain inside and help me use that energy for good.

But depression, as you have, will make you focus on the awfulness of it. Fight back by giving of yourself. It wasn't just animals I mistreated, but other things. I have found that giving of myself, is the redemption I needed.

But please do get help. I really think talking these things out and organize a plan, will do you wonders.

Otter.

thankyou so much for your reply, we do not see each other much now but growing up we were okay we got on as normal and laughed etc I have not seen him for month and months he is 18 this year, I suppose you are right, it is my depression too, my guilt and anxiety is fueling my ocd rituals in my head and my ocd keeps telling me I will burn in hell for what I did, I am not particularly religious etc but I am a christan and I know rationally that the stupid rituals accomplish nothing but if I dont do them they just pray on my mind and I always give into them, I was thinking maybe one day I should just tell my parents one of them but I could never bring myself too because they might think me a evil monster and I am not I truly am not, I was a very mixed up child and I regret everything so much but I just cant get the guilt and the worry out of my mind I am worried if I tell a therapist would they tell my family would they think me as bad as I think myself? I know deep down I need help and a psychologist as this is driving me to thoughts of suicide and I know I cannot go on the rest of my life as I am

My apologies - I missed the part of about "rituals in your head". Definitely OCD. Those are compulsions. And they make our symptoms worse: anxiety, depression, etc.

Are you on medications, since you have been diagnosed? Do you see a Psychiatrist regularly?

You are a legal adult. It is illegal for any mental health professionals to share your information with anyone, unless it is clear that you are a potential harm to others or to yourself. And even then, it would probably involve other people (professional) other than your parents. And if you specify that you do not want your parents to know, that would further seal it. I know it may feel like you are still attached to your parents (most of us do, when we are your age), but to the law you are your own guardian.

If you are a Christian, then you know that the Lord does not want you to suffer, and he isn't going to send you to hell for what you did. I think you have suffered enough. And if I know think I know that a higher power believes that.

If you think that if you tell your parents any of what you told us and you think they could actually think you are an evil monster for it, then, as I said, maybe it's best not to discuss it with them. At least not now.

Don't shoulder this alone. There is a lot on your post that was my life. It will get better, but you just have to believe, and start taking those first steps.

Otter.

I am on 20mg of fluxotine ( was on 2 tablets now taking 1) and 2 Keppra for my epilepsy, I think you are right, its time to come clean to a professional I cannot go on like this as you say, reading so many people like me is amazing I truly thought I was alone I never expected to see there were so many similar stories, I would want my cousin to know I am sorry for what I have done if he would accept my forgiveness from me being a stupid mixed up kid that would be my world complete, I will always be sorry for what I have done, I pray for forgiveness every night (and every minute in my stupid ocd rituals) I have never ever had the courage or words to say to him for fear of rejection or my families shock. I think the best thing is to definitely talk this over with a psychiatrist, they in the past have passed me from pillar to post when it has came to Councillors/psychologists, which is why I am extremely wary and wonder if they might assign me the wrong kind, but its something that must be done, once I have built up a trust then I may hopefully be able to confess all and get this hell off my chest once and for all I just pray there will be a day when I wont have to hide it and I am forgiven by all.

I know this is going to sound like cheesy therapy talk, but it is true. You have to forgive yourself.

I know this to be the truest thing. it was my life for a long time.

For YEARS I was my own jailer. I punished myself, when there was no reason to punish myself (even though I had made mistakes in the past - those were paid for). I was judge and the jury, and made sure I never came out of my cage. There I stood outside and inside the jail, looking at myself, and saying "just say when, and I will open this jail". But I kept myself there. My depression kept me there.

It took too long time. It doesn't have to take that long for you. I don't mind the idea of talking to your cousin, or your parents one day (if they wont be mean to you), but you will be the one to free yourself. Because you should be free - NOW. You just have to give yourself the chance.

If you don't know, a Psychiatrist tends to work with behavior and symptoms, using medication as therapy. You have done that already. A good therapist will deal with you thoughts and life and extended methods and insight into what is happening.

Therapy, in part, is what we are doing now - talking. Of course with them it is a whole lot more, because they bring their profession and experience to the table.

But make sure you can talk with them. A good therapist will bring that out in you. They may not always say what you want to hear, but they will give you room to breath.

You can do this.

Otter.

thankyou for your kind words, I was a little confused over therapist/psychiatrist and which one I should really have, I do need to forgive myself I just wish I could, I tell myself, you were a mixed up child who was going through a hell of a lot of stuff back then, the abuse from my stepdad and the thing that happned when I was 8 with the boy made me do it, but then I have the other side saying you knew what you were doing, you are sick, you are vile and a animal abuser and people want you to burn in hell and your family will hurt you or disown you, its horrendous. I have a particular case of double guilt too because I struggle with not only the animal stuff but my cousin stuff so therefore its hell as you know, I am going to get a GP appointment asap and ask for a therapist it may take me a while but I will tell them everything I have to otherwise I feel I will just go mad.

Hey Friend,


You've had a rough time in your stay so far. I am happy to see you are actively trying to make amends with yourself and create closure for your history. You were confused and not sure what love really was at the time. Or hate for that matter. I believe therapy will help you in this case. I do not believe you are so far gone that you would need to see a psychiatrist, you are still somewhat in control of your emotional state and can rationally think in it. As Otter said above, the important thing is to forgive yourself and move on by forgiving yourself.

you can come to terms with your past and the pain it has brought you, but do not let your past actions control you. We are all one big piece of a puzzle, and while at times we may be stuck in a cycle of hate without even knowing it, we can break it and understand the severity of our actions Your conscious and attempt to make amends with yourself speaks volumes for your character.

Many adolescents are never properly educated on sex as children, and thus, a lot of questionable games and activities happen between children. I believe the game your played with your younger cousin, while considered molestation, was not still nothing more then experimentation. You both were young and unaware of what you were doing. As for the pets, I'd say again, it was a lack of understanding how to treat other individuals and other things. If you were taught to take advantage of weaker beings from example of action, it would sadly send you in that direction.

I wish you the best of luck in recovery. You deservve to forgive yourself and live life to the best of your ability !

thank-you zonofo and otter it really helps talking to people who understand, I would never ever molest anyone not even then it was certainly not meant to be abuse, I was a seriously mixed up young child. as you know the ''bad stuff'' started at 9 which is when my mother first met mys stepdad and stopped when I was 13 or 14 when I finally realized it had to stop and my mind was in a better place and I was better mentally. looking back, I had some bizzare manners at school also, telling people I could see invisible men and making stupid noises and acting crazy, in effect looking back I think I was having a kind of breakdown because of all the stuff that was happening to me, I went through a hell of alot of trauma with my stepdad and my mother, sleeping in the bath with a towel because I did not want to wake my mother when she was drunk because she could be volatile, my mother and stepfather getting drunk and abusive with each other walking the streets crying at 2 in the morinng while they screamed at each other, it truly drove me to just well, a breakdown, and all that with the incident when I was 8, I feel sick at myself it was like looking back and I was possessed its not who I am today, even back then, when I stopped hurting the animals I continued to love them and they would cuddle me and still remain affectionate to me so in a way I feel like I made my peace with them, its my cousin the guilt is crippling me with, I still say to myself, or my thoughts do, you are a sick vile being and people want to kill you and for you burn in hell and when your family find out thats it. its on my mind 24/7 and just in the rare cases I begin to relax the OCD and guilt come crashing back down with a vengeance, I love animals and am a devout anti animal abuse supporter if I so much as see a animal hurt even in a film I cry but then the OCD starts and the guilt says, ''you hypocrite, after what you did'' its a catch 24 scenario and HELL on earth for me, I could not bear the thought aswell that my cousin could also think about what happened all the time, I would rather die than know I have messed him up though he seems to lead a normal life and has friends etc we never mention it if we see each other and we carry on and laugh at stuff as normal but I feel sick and like a monster if I do see him and when I have been with him and my family are none the wiser. I think to myself I will only be free if he tells me he forgives me for my stupid mixed up childhood mistakes but to bring myself to say anything to anyone well thats the part that seems impossible I think otter is right that I should tell a therapist and I would have the support of my therapist to help me and hopefully explain for me as with me also having aspergers its hard to say what I truly mean as it easier to write it.

As someone with aspergers, I understand what you mean when you say writing it is easier then speaking it. It really takes the load off the shoulders, but I feel it is important for people like us to use the brilliant gift of speech to grow as people. Its difficult-but if we are to grow and learn to love ourselves it is a necessary skill. The guilt will consume you unless you release it.

I think its good that your coming to terms with your past and your reason for action. Do not allow yourself to be imprisoned in those thoughts. They are the past. We are now in the future, and while retrospective is good every once and a while, we must not allow it to consume us, because we very much are in control of our future, not our past.

I think you will learn to love and forgive yourself friend. I believe in you(it is a process i am currently growing through myself). I wish you the best of luck of recovery, and if you need someone to talk to, you know where to find us.