crippling guilt and pain over past when young. (may trigger)

by **novawolfhope** » Tue Aug 25, 2015 11:16 pm

thankyou for your kind words. I will always feel guilty and disgusting until I get forgiveness but I think getting this off my chest to a therapist is a good step forward however long it may take me to actually tell them it

Just want to second as Remorse admin. that I think therapy is a really good idea and will help you learn to with with yourself and have more compassion and forgiveness for yourself as a child. You wouldn't judge any other young child in such hard and abusive circumstances and you do your younger self so please allow yourself to be more understanding. You deserve it.

by **novawolfhope** » Thu Aug 27, 2015 11:31 pm

Thankyou sprock, I am feeling terrible again. always at night when the anxiety and guilt seem to magnify by so much, I was a very mixed up kid, I keep reminding myself I am a different person its not who I am and I was not in the right frame of mind, but my thoughts of course challenge me and say the opposite, and I am going around in a constant loop in my head you know what it is like. I have double guilt also because of my beautiful animals but I feel like I made my peace with them as I say because of the fact that I loved them and cared for them and they remained affectionate to me after I stopped hurting them when I was messed up, the fear of my family finding out what I did is hell Im also nervous of the consequences from them if they found out, both physically and emotionally, I only wish they could feel psychically how sorry I am, and it makes me sick people would say that I could be a abuser etc it gives me doubts that I am but I am NOT a abuser nor molester, what I did was wrong and I did know it a little, but not in the sense where I was a grown up and in the right frame of mind to do it! I was mentally abused and was going through hell, the only happiness was when I was at my fathers and there was peace. I want to tell a therapist badly unfortunately where I am there is rubbish and next to nothing in the way of mental health services, a few CBT centres which I have lost count of how many times I have been there for different things like my OCD rituals (not this kind of stuff though I have never told anybody about this) CBT did nothing for me, but I will ask my GP if they can refer me to someone who is a registered therapist/shrink, I was thinking of even going private but I dont have much money and am on a allowance at the minute with benefits, its a step I MUST take though I am driving myself to insanity and dark thoughts like suicide etc its going to be hard but I think in the fullness of time I will console in the therapist. I also just want forgiveness off my cousin that's all I want but as you know I am terrified and too frightened to say anything for shame and my family's reaction. I do need to forgive myself also, its just seems nigh on impossible with all the years and years of OCD and guilt I have had over it all, Also I would hate to stir up any memories for my cousin, he seems happy enough now and is doing very well at school.

by **sprock** » Sun Aug 30, 2015 5:50 pm

CBT has never worked well for me. I think it tends to deal with the surface issues, but not deeper anxieties and problems. Telling yourself that you were a different person isn't a get-out clause, it's true on an objective, scientific level. Up till one's mid-20s the brain is still developing. It changes *massively* from around 10 to 14 in particular. Selfhood is a function of the brain. It's simply not accurate or morally right to consider an adult "the same" person as who they were when they were a child. If you must judge your past self, judge them compassionately as you would any other young child

by **hopeforall** » Thu Dec 17, 2015 3:22 am

Hello, its me again, (novawolfhope) I am having to use a new user name as I forgot my old password and have a new email etc, just to let you know, I am still coping, or trying to cope, my OCD and fear of hell is stronger than ever

it has me feeling suicidal, tonight I made a big mistake by commenting on a facebook page, to cut a long story short, I liked a animal page and they shared a link about 2 men in china being killed and slashed open with salt poured on them for stealing a dog, maybe for the meat market, I commented how it was disgusting and that yes I am against it, but no one deserves that, there were some rational kind people who agreed but so many were so abusive and vicious to me, I was told to ###$ off, called a @@@@@@@ and the fact that they were saying things like ''we should do this!'' they deserve this, really disturbed me. I told you about the animals I hurt when I was a mixed up child and how guilty I still feel and it brought all that and the guilt flooding back, its a bad night tonight for me :'( I am thinking about going to the doctors to try and get some sedatives for night as night time is HELL for me its when the OCD and guilt and everything escalate

by **TwentySecondPilot** » Fri Oct 27, 2017 7:17 am

novawolfhope wrote:hello, I am a 22 year old female diagnosed with aspergers, depression, OCD. for years I have suffered OCD but lately the past few years the guilt over my past is killing me and I dont know what to do, I was taken upstairs by a boy a year older than me when I was about 8 who lay on top of me asked me to play a game and rubbed up me and made me strip and show him my private parts, my sister who was about 18 at the time came up to find me and shouted at me telling me I was very wrong to get naked, my parents never mentioned it but I felt dirty and confused, my childhood was happy enough until I was 9 except the trauma of my parents arguing constantly, when I was 9 my mother met my stepfather who was at first nice but over the years verbally abused me and threatened to physically beat me, my mother turned to alcohol and used to get drunk often.

I was always very frightened and many times had to ask my father to pick me up from the house at 2 or 3 in the morning, I was very mixed up and confused, when I was about 9 I asked my cousin who was about 5/6 if he wanted to play a game and did what the boy did to me when I was 9, looking back I did not think it was wrong and was probably stimulating what happened to me and this continued until I was about 14 I knew not to get caught and always made sure we were fully clothed if we heard people coming upstairs. so I feel as though I am to blame also which kills me.

there was never ever intercourse but oral and dry humping, at the same time aged about 10 or 11/12 I started to hurt my pets, I would put my arms around my cats neck and squeeze and put him in a bag and throw him around and try to push him out of the window onto the ledge. the manifestation of the pain and confusion I was feeling as a child/very young teen was taken out in these forms. I also did the same to our small dog, and pulled some of the fur off our guinea pig. I

stopped and loved the pets after the times after that and never hurt them again. I am sickened and disgusted now I am not the same person I was back then I would never ever DREAM of hurting animals or kids now I love animals and have had many since who I have loved so much, my guilt started as I hit 15 and now I am crippled by pain and guilt and dont know what to do, I do want to tell my parents but fear if I did they would disown me or that the side I hurt may hurt me if they found out what I did I am in utter turmoil and have to do rituals in my head over and over again which serves as a ''blanket'' and punishment of what I did, I also have anxiety and panic attacks all day and night over it. I have had councilling for years in the past regarding depression but have never told anyone about this, and was diagnosed with aspergers aged 16 though we knew I had it as a child.

I am unsure if this is the right forum to be posting this in as I am brand new to this site and having found so many stories like mine I decided to take the ultimate step and see if I could too get some help and advice.

I hope in the time since this post you have made progress with your anxiety. You sound like you suffer from a similar type of OCD to me. You're definitely not a bad person, OCD is linked to parts of the brain that are important in our development of a conscience. Genuine abusers are callous and don't obsess over their actions years later.

PS, you say you've encountered many similar stories. If you remember what the titles were could you possibly direct me to them ? Having more of them to read would be great

crippling guilt and pain over past when young. (may trigger)

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