Incest abuse I am the offender please avoid this if you are

First of all I am not English so my writing is not great but this is what happened , i was born in a mid class family which seemed 'normal'at the time but it was clearly a dysfunctional family , abusive mother and father got schizophrenia when I was about 11 or 12.
I abused my sister aproximately at the time when our dad got his first psychotic episode ( he thought he was an undercover spy and people were on to get us ) I don't know when exactly it happened but I remember being home together with her for many hours as our parents were working late shifts , in one of those days we found in a hidden box a bunch of porn magazines and we decided to try it out ...I was about 11-12 and my sister is 3 years younger than me , and we didn't have sex but we got naked and I used to rub it between her legs and it was also the first time when I ejaculated , it went on and off for a few months till our mom found us naked and went into a rage we were grounded for a few days and after I was grounded for a few weeks while my sister regained her position in the family I also remember kissing my baby cousin which was like 7 I ###$ up so bad.... , dad was in hospital at this point for his mental illness .
Soon after mum divorced dad as he was not taking his meds and she was tired of the beatings and her hatred towards me intensified treating me the same way she used to treat my sick dad , our relationship degraded to a point where I was forced to leave the house and start a new life somewhere , I am now in good relations with her and my sister but I did drugs for some years and got severe anxiety because of it and now I came out to my mom and sister about the abuse of my sister ( they pretended like it never happened ) and they were supporting of me as I am batlling mental illness just like my father . I feel suicidal about the stuff I did to my sister and every day seems like a burden which is too heavy to carry

HI - I moved your post to our "Remorse" forum, because I think it is better suited here.

I am very sorry for your troubles. I don't think that what happened should bring you so much shame that you ruin your life. You and you sister were very young. From your description it sounds like you were both experimenting, and she was not forced into these things.

I assumed the "sister" you did these things with is the same sister you have good relations with now? That part of your story is not clear.

What is important now, is that you are suffering, - not just the feelings about those times in your life, but mental illness. You say your suffered like your father? Have you been diagnosed? \

I know a lot has happened in your life, but these things can be better, with help.

Otter.

Shame4life wrote:First of all I am not English so my writing is not great but this is what happened , i was born in a mid class family which seemed 'normal'at the time but it was clearly a dysfunctional family , abusive mother and father got schizophrenia when I was about 11 or 12.
I abused my sister aproximately at the time when our dad got his first psychotic episode ( he thought he was an undercover spy and people were on to get us ) I don't know when exactly it happened but I remember being home together with her for many hours as our parents were working late shifts , in one of those days we found in a hidden box a bunch of porn magazines and we decided to try it out ...I was about 11-12 and my sister is 3 years younger than me , and we didn't have sex but we got naked and I used to rub it between her legs and it was also the first time when I ejaculated , it went on and off for a few months till our mom found us naked and went into a rage we were grounded for a few days and after I was grounded for a few weeks while my sister regained her position in the family I also remember kissing my baby cousin which was like 7 I ###$ up so bad.... , dad was in hospital at this point for his mental illness .
Soon after mum divorced dad as he was not taking his meds and she was tired of the beatings and her hatred towards me intensified treating me the same way she used to treat my sick dad , our relationship degraded to a point where I was forced to leave the house and start a new life somewhere , I am now in good relations with her and my sister but I did drugs for some years and got severe anxiety because of it and now I came out to my mom and sister about the abuse of my sister ( they pretended like it never happened ) and they were supporting of me as I am batlling mental illness just like my father . I feel suicidal about the stuff I did to my sister and every day seems like a burden which is too heavy to carry

Hello Friend,

I am so very sorry to hear of such a sad life thus far. First off, I want to say you were not a child molester and are not a predator by any means. You were experimenting with your sister, and while that experimentation went to far, you yourself were not grown up or able to understand the consequences of your actions.

You are not the person your father was. You are capable of living a fulfilled life with love. Your guilt should not consume you my friend, You were a child, unsure of his actions. You seem to have obtained forgiveness from your mother(who, judging by the context of your post also owes you an apology) and your sister. It seems you are not willing to forgive yourself however. You deserve too grant forgiveness to yourself.

One last suggestion friend...please break the cycle of self-destruction. I believe you can do it. You shouldn't let drugs or your guilt control your life. You are very capable of your own destiny, and to provide the world with positivity. But you must accept yourself as a human, and a human who deserves to live a live rich with love! Because you deserve too.

Best of Luck Friend.

I hope you are surviving and treating yourself as best you can. It sounds like you come from a really tough background and it is not so surprising that such a childhood made you act in inappropriate ways. It is worth remembering that you and your sister were only a few years apart (psychiatric definitions of child abuse tend to involve a perp 5 years older than the victim, though peer abuse is obviously still possible) and it doesn't sound like there was force or coercion. Judging by the fact that you seem to have made amends as best you can and have a good (?) relationship with your mother and sister I think you need to draw a line in the sand and move forward. I hope you can learn to live with yourself as I genuinely believe you deserve to do so

I am seeing a therapist now and as I explained what happened during childhood and what I did with my sister he told me that it is 'child sexual exploration taken too far' and that I should forgive myself, it sounds acceptable but still I feel as if its just to easy for me to accept that and move on I have spoken with my sister about this and she is very supportive and I suggested she should see a therapist as I suspect she is shaken inside about our childhood as much as I am, I also cut ties with mom because she had been particularly abusive verbally and physically towards me since I can remember and that adds a lot of weight to this already bad situation.I had a lot of trouble growing up as I had a rebellious attitude towards people and it also made it very difficult to have any healthy relationships , when mom caught us in the act she got very angry at me and that was pretty much the end of her love and care for me afterwards she would just scream at me or call me names as she used to do with dad when he was sick and that hurt a lot and still hurts now, she is too stubborn to accept she treated us badly ( when I expressed this in therapy , I was told that she might have been abused by our grandfather who was a sadistic alcohoolic and that she saw it as an never ending circle of pain). Now I have social anxiety and I am shaky most of the time , my legs feel like jelly and I have had impotence for about two years its getting better but it is a very slow process when I am at work people look at me with disgust or I will make them very nervous just being around , my voice is weak and if I am stressed its squeaqy , I am particularly nervous around children and women ..... Some days the pain is almost unbearable my face contorts in pain and I can't change that expression and in public its just horrible as I feel as I am gona faint or trow up if I am sitting down when I stand I get very wobly almost as if I am going to fall ...

Please please listen to your sister. She has made it clear that you suffered together and she wants you to forgive yourself. If for no-one else, do it for her.

It sounds like your weak legs are caused by anxiety, but could anything else be exacerbating the problem? I know this is simply, basic stuff, but are you drinking lots of water on a daily basis and getting enough sunlight and vitamin and fibre-rich food?