Feeling Very Guilty About My Past

Hi! I am a 19 yr old female. And lately I have been feeling very guilty about things I did when I was 9-10.( Ive felt guilty over my teen years but it wasn't as bad as this) One is particular is when I was 9, I use to go to daycare. And me and these girls they were like 5 & 6, use to play mom and dad or boyfriend and girlfriend. Something like that. So we would build houses under the table and we'd kiss and I touched their butt a few times. Nothing else. We would play club and dance "provocative" I guess. Just dancing up on each other. I feel terrible about that. I feel worse bc last night I had a dream (really random dream) that I went to jail for it and everyone turned against me. A cop car drove by last night and my heart raced so fast. I am paranoid I guess and I dont know how to get rid of the guilt. Am I a bad person?? I am a child abuser?? I have NO desire at all to do this to children, EVER. I love babies. My boyfriend has a son and will be looking to me as a mother figure. Am I just a terrible person?Do I deserve that title? Then, around the same age,maybe about 10. After school in 6th grade, me and my friend use to come home to her house and we would "try things". Very close contact is all I will say. She introduced me to porn. Me and another girl from my church use to do things too. One time we planned to do it and she got mad at me bc I told her I didn't want to do it anymore. the other girl, (who introduced me to porn), we both sat down and we realized we needed to stop and that was that. Then around tht time I got ready to move and she wanted me to spend the night, I said no, bc I didn't want to end up doing tht stuff again. Now that I think about it, I think I hurt her feelings. Then the last encounter I had w/ experimenting was around 8-9 I think, and I may have either kissed her or asked if she wanted to play something, but we didn't end up doing anything. I feel so bad about everything and the guilt just eats at me. I am the type of person who is always sorry about things, or even if I do or say something minor that's not even a big deal, i'll feel guilty about it. Sometimes i'll just cry bc I can't believe I did that and wish I could take it all away. Around those times my parents were always arguing and I just kept everything to myself. My father would have freaked (along w/ everyone else too probably) if I tried to tell him abt it. (He was always making me feel bad about something.) I haven't told anyone about this except now and another time I asked these same questions to this thing called whisper. So many people could relate and they assured me tht kids were sexual beings and that I wasn't bad but...I just feel so bad about it. I want to be happy and not be so paranoid and guilty. I do not want to have fear in my heart. What should I do?

Rest easy friend. You were only a child, and children are curious about the world of sex. I know its hard not to bear guilt if you take on the responsibility, but a young child at your age is not capable of sexually consenting. Neither were the children you were experimenting with. You were all kids, and you should be able to differentiate when you were a child and now an adult.

You really don't need to do much friend, except forgive yourself. Because your actions were not evil, and you are not evil yourself.

Best of luck .

Zonofo wrote:Rest easy friend. You were only a child, and children are curious about the world of sex. I know its hard not to bear guilt if you take on the responsibility, but a young child at your age is not capable of sexually consenting. Neither were the children you were experimenting with. You were all kids, and you should be able to differentiate when you were a child and now an adult.

You really don't need to do much friend, except forgive yourself. Because your actions were not evil, and you are not evil yourself.

Best of luck .

I guess you're right. I would say what any kid would say and tell them, don't tell. I wouldn't think anything of it. I just feel so bad about it. Thank you for your kind words to me.

wanttobehappy19 wrote:

Zonofo wrote:Rest easy friend. You were only a child, and children are curious about the world of sex. I know its hard not to bear guilt if you take on the responsibility, but a young child at your age is not capable of sexually consenting. Neither were the children you were experimenting with. You were all kids, and you should be able to differentiate when you were a child and now an adult.

You really don't need to do much friend, except forgive yourself. Because your actions were not evil, and you are not evil yourself.

Best of luck .

I guess you're right. I would say what any kid would say and tell them, don't tell. I wouldn't think anything of it. I just feel so bad about it. Thank you for your kind words to me.

No need for thanks friend. Please, forgive yourself and move on, you deserve too .

Absolutely agree with Zonofo. You are not a child abuser and do not deserve to label yourself as one. I'm sure you can be a great mother figure (or whatever role you want to occupy) for your boyfriend's child. Good luck!