Am I a pedophile? Trying to cope with past

It is very hard for me to write this, but I need to get this out somewhere. I just went a month-long episode and my mind has been filled with these thoughts. I'm sorry if none of this makes sense I'm very bad with words but I will try my best to explain myself

I’ve been having pedophilic intrusive thoughts ever since I was 13, and I’ve been doing an okay job pushing these thoughts away. However, I have remembered something very troubling I did in the past and I’m feeling a lot of guilt now. I think these are the reason why I have intrusive thoughts and I am very scared if I’m a pedophile.

When I was 8, I started masturbating to growth transformations in anime. Weird, I know. It was always child turning into adult (like that scene in paprika) and it excited me. Know that I didn't even know what sex was when I was 8, I was never sexually attracted to the children in those scenes. I always imagined it happening to me and how exciting it would feel to transform into an adult. Thinking about it now makes me wonder if it actually is tied with pedophilia. I haven’t found pleasure in growth transformations in years after that.

I got into yaoi/hentai when I was 10 but never real life porn because it grossed me out. I’m scared that I have seen shota/loli without recognizing it and it might have warped the way I see porn.

At age 12 I discovered the word shota. For those who don’t know, shota is pretty much anime child porn. It was a term thrown around to describe cute boys, and I used to call myself one because it was so accepted in the community I surrounded myself in. I knew what shota really was, I just thought the word came around to just describe a cute, young-looking boy. I found out how bad it was and stopped calling myself one.

On tumblr, boku no pico came around. Everyone treated it like a joke so I did too, and then I finally dared myself to watch it. I was kind of confused throughout the episodes, and found some parts funny at the time because it was ridiculous (I only watched parts of episodes 1 & 2, i do not like it anymore.). It was the first pornographic video I’ve ever seen, so it was all new. I got curious and aroused at the same time and masturbated to it. I thought it was okay because there were people I knew (who were adults and popular on tumblr) said that they liked it. I didn’t think of it much when it happened but over time I realized how messed up it all was.

What’s kind of scary is how easily i found shota on tumblr. I've seen some very graphic images and theyre terrifying. Sometimes I would find porn i liked and then find out it’s actually shota. Sometimes it’s difficult to tell if the characters are of age, I used to think they drew them like that just to look feminine. I feel so guilty for finding pleasure in shota, even if I don't like it now.

Another thing I feel really bad about is when I kissed my younger brother (just pecks, nothing full-on) I was 12-13 and he was 4-5. NONE of this was encouraged by the porn I've seen, I just wanted to do it. I didn’t see anything wrong with it since my mom kissed him all the time. He told me to stop and I did. For some reason I got excited and masturbated to it (in a separate room). It’s sounds weird, but I wasn’t fantasizing about doing anything sexual to my brother, but to the excitement of kissing. I was SUPER sensitive and got aroused in weird situations when I was that age. But I feel so terrible because he doesn’t know and the age gap is quite large. I am very protective of my brother and I would never hurt him on purpose. That day was just impulse and I feel really bad about it.

And around november I was looking through one of my favorite artist's porn and found shota in it, I masturbated to it but my mind was in a frenzy, one side telling me to stop and another telling me "who cares". After I was done I remembered feeling gross and told myself "I'm never doing this again". I don't know how any of that happened but I honestly think that it was because the art was attractive.

I am 100% against shota, and finding out that I have found pleasure in some of that content in the past really disgusts me. I only have fantasies where everyone is of age and I have been only looking at porn where the characters are over 18. I still come across posts but I manage to avoid them and keep them out of my mind. I am not attracted to children but now everytime I look at one I get triggered and remember shota and the intrusive thoughts just barge in. And my brain tries to tell me that Im a pedophile and use my past as evidence. I completely regret everything I've done and I feel so terrible and gross

By the way, please don't tell me that shota isn't bad just because it's fictional. I don't care if anyone likes it, I just don't want to hear it.

Hello Friend,

It seems you were a very sexually excited child. 12-13 is the age where you libido really starts kicking in and its confusing for many young boys(due to a lack of sexual education, and still having the mind of a child too boot). Its good you see the error in your way of watching Shota. From my perspective, I think you need to stop watching porn in general. You must let your sex drive relax so it can "reset". It seems pornography, like it has done for most of us, have ruined your sexual drive and balance.

I wouldn't say your a pedophile. I know many men who masturbate to gay porn but have no desire in real life to be with a man. Pornography can be seen as a "taboo" for many, hence why someone might masturbate to child porn even if they don't find children attractive. They find the "taboo" exhilarating and commit the actions they do.

This does not make it excusable, but one must under the world of porn is confusing and can be destructive for many. In your case, I believe it is. Let your sexual drive reset, and do not bear guilt over your childish action that were just routed in curiosity and confusion. Your guilt shows your humanity.

Best of luck!

Zonofo wrote:Hello Friend,

It seems you were a very sexually excited child. 12-13 is the age where you libido really starts kicking in and its confusing for many young boys(due to a lack of sexual education, and still having the mind of a child too boot). Its good you see the error in your way of watching Shota. From my perspective, I think you need to stop watching porn in general. You must let your sex drive relax so it can "reset". It seems pornography, like it has done for most of us, have ruined your sexual drive and balance.

I wouldn't say your a pedophile. I know many men who masturbate to gay porn but have no desire in real life to be with a man. Pornography can be seen as a "taboo" for many, hence why someone might masturbate to child porn even if they don't find children attractive. They find the "taboo" exhilarating and commit the actions they do.

This does not make it excusable, but one must under the world of porn is confusing and can be destructive for many. In your case, I believe it is. Let your sexual drive reset, and do not bear guilt over your childish action that were just routed in curiosity and confusion. Your guilt shows your humanity.

Best of luck!

Thank you for your advice. I will try to stop watching porn but I have been looking at it for so long that it might be an addiction (not shota).

I will try my best to forgive myself.

Hey Friend,

If you ever need any extra support, do not hesitate to send me a PM. Yes, I also have suffered through a porn addiction. Its hard to break, it really is. The number one weakness of self destructive behavior is positive productivity.

moontime wrote:By the way, please don't tell me that shota isn't bad just because it's fictional.

But something can be "less bad" while still being "bad". Personally speaking, I think shota is unpleasant and not something I would choose to look at, but I also think it is important that you did not directly contribute to the abuse of real children. If that thought allows you to mitigate your self-loathing to some extent, I don't think it's wrong to believe it since, objectively, it is true.

That said, I think the world becomes an uglier place with such material in it. I'm only a casual anime fan and it distresses and even angers me how many anime series sexualise under-18 high-school students. I know there is a cultural difference, but it is troubling.

But the important thing is that you now recognise that it is inappropriate to have sexual designs towards children under 18 and to look at such material. What you did IMO damaged no-one but yourself so it is now time to treat yourself with care and restore your sense of self and well-being through looking at, watching, reading, playing, or listening to more beautiful things.