Feeling quite guilty about my attractions

I'm 19 years old. I have never abused anyone (though I was close to doing so when I was 13), but I have watched child pornography on repeated occasions. It hasn't really taken over my life yet, but I do feel really guilty about it. It started when I was 14. I'd been masturbating to porn for about 4 years and I started to get kind of uncomfortable watching porn involving adults, so I sought to find porn that involved children around my age. Unfortunately, I started liking what I saw and I never really grew out of it. I know it's wrong. I know that it's repugnant and disgusting. I hate myself for it. I've cut down on watching it significantly, but when I'm under a lot of stress I break. Usually I can get by using some drugs, but I don't always have drugs.

To make matters worse, I have some sexual dysfunction, most likely from my psychiatric medications, three out of five of which commonly generate sexual side effects. My sensitivity to masturbation is such that it may take me a very long time (>45 minutes) to finish, even while watching porn involving adults only (though I'm still aroused by it). I have tried having sex with someone my age, but I was not attracted to her from the beginning and I found it hard to go through the motions. Unfortunately, I cannot afford to be really picky. I'm very socially anxious and am very unhappy (and as a result, unpleasant to be around) most of the time. This is not a justification for my behavior. I just need to watch more and more extreme porn (legal or illegal) to get off. I'm unlikely to have any other sexual release other than masturbation for the rest of my life, and I never ever ever ever plan to abuse a minor. I know victims of sexual abuse, people I care about.

The only times when I am able to fully resist the urge are times when I'm in a relationship. However, this happens rarely, if at all. I am extremely afraid of women my age and I rarely leave my dorm room except for class, drugs, and tending to my psychiatric stuff. Now, I've thought about and heard a lot about "finding a hobby", but as every year goes on, I get more anhedonic. Pleasure has become almost impossible to feel and my motivation to do things has plummeted along with my hedonic capacity. But I am not posting in this sub-forum to discover strategies to repair this problem (i'm open to suggestions though). Every time I think about how screwed up this all is, I wonder if I should just kill myself before things get worse. It makes so much sense. I cannot escape this guilt, for I know that my behavior is unacceptable, so the best option would be to kill myself plain and simple.

I'm broke and out of stuff to get high on and I'm scared.

You my friend, have an addiction. An addiction to porn, which has overloaded your brain so heavily with desire. Judging by your post, you seem disconnected from reality, and you will continue to do so as long as you indulge yourself. The biggest thing is, that your getting high to avoid one addiction and slowly creating another. This is behavior that will send you into an even deeper spiral.

Stop with porn in general. I know that seems literally impossible at this point, but you are addicted and caught in it like a drug. I would also advise not getting high or doing any sort of drug, or getting drunk. It will not help you recover.

You are not a monster, but you are trapped by your addiction at the moment. Good news is, only you can break out of it. Do not kill yourself. Killing yourself is going to inflict more pain to other people around you, and whether you believe in an afterlife or not, people closest to you will be more hurt then most who contemplate suicide can ever imagine.

I too was once addicted to porn, but I stopped before the addiction led me to darker paths and more internal destruction. While I started masturbating at 14, it consumed me for a year and a half, and I remember being depressed for a good amount of time during that year and a half cycle. Granted, I never took my addiction to the point of craving illegal porn such as CP, but i still would be watching just normal porn in general(couple this with HOCD and I was constantly checking if I could get off to straight porn while constantly checking out gay porn and not feeling anything unless i really forced myself too, and when i forced myself it was a cycle of rationalization...it was hell). Couple it also with the fact that I was not educated on sex ed, and it was one of the reasons I did what I regretted when I was 15(you can find my post a little below). I guess my point is that I can relate to what your going through at the minute, but you seem caged up and are in the process of destroying yourself.

You can break the cycle. You have to stop. I know at the level your at it may be impossible, but only you can do it. Trust me, when the cycle of addiction is broken, life is better.

even i think ur addicted to pornography is causing these effects.

delete all the pornography in ur computer/laptop. a few research on 'effects of porn on mind' helped me stay away from porn

try to take one day or even one hour at a time. it will be difficult. i've had many slips. yesterday i watched porn in office

but i'm better than earlier, i hope. i guess the addiction fades away with time.

I don't watch porn very often, but when I do, I watch a lot. Usually 3-4 times a week. The problem is that without porn, I will not have a sexual release mechanism. Ever since I started taking my first, third, fourth and fifth medications (fluvoxamine, lamotrigine, gabapentin, trazodone), my sex drive has become so low that I need visual stimulation to get off. I am very isolated and cannot afford to pay for sex (prostitution is very common in my area, but it is not cheap). Perhaps I have a sort of dependence, but I can go without masturbating for weeks. I just feel like crap, get irritated and start hurting people (verbally, not physically). The drugs honestly might help. Heroin and opiates raise prolactin levels, perhaps that might help diminish my sex drive. Honestly, heroin has been great. I don't feel the urge to masturbate. I don't feel sad. I don't feel frustrated. Nothing matters and I can overdose and die whenever I want. Though perhaps milder opiates like hydrocodone or buprenorphine might substitute. The point is that I would have killed myself a long time ago if it were not for drugs. Last winter I was extremely suicidal and I told my friend about it and he said "Hey, if you kill yourself now, you will have died without trying heroin" And I stayed alive to fulfill that goal.

That's just a digression though. All I'm saying is that I need some source of hedonic stimulation. I can go back to cutting but that only does so much (plus it gets annoying having to hide the scars). I am certainly dependent on porn as a means of achieving sexual release, but it never is satisfying. It's more like doing a chore. But with that illegal pornography... There is this unique, nearly manic urge to binge. I can only compare it to how meth feels when it is smoked, but meth was 100x easier to abandon than CP. I suppose my curiosity is literally killing me. I'm not really sure what to do. My sex drive is dropping day by day, which is good because it is easier to avoid CP, but along with that my ability feel pleasure is dropping day by day. I've been sober so long and I just need the high to get out of my body... This guilt is too much

sandandstone444 wrote:I don't watch porn very often, but when I do, I watch a lot. Usually 3-4 times a week. The problem is that without porn, I will not have a sexual release mechanism. Ever since I started taking my first, third, fourth and fifth medications (fluvoxamine, lamotrigine, gabapentin, trazodone), my sex drive has become so low that I need visual stimulation to get off. I am very isolated and cannot afford to pay for sex (prostitution is very common in my area, but it is not cheap). Perhaps I have a sort of dependence, but I can go without masturbating for weeks. I just feel like crap, get irritated and start hurting people (verbally, not physically). The drugs honestly might help. Heroin and opiates raise prolactin levels, perhaps that might help diminish my sex drive. Honestly, heroin has been great. I don't feel the urge to masturbate. I don't feel sad. I don't feel frustrated. Nothing matters and I can overdose and die whenever I want. Though perhaps milder opiates like hydrocodone or buprenorphine might substitute. The point is that I would have killed myself a long time ago if it were not for drugs. Last winter I was extremely suicidal and I told my friend about it and he said "Hey, if you kill yourself now, you will have died without trying heroin" And I stayed alive to fulfill that goal.

That's just a digression though. All I'm saying is that I need some source of hedonic stimulation. I can go back to cutting but that only does so much (plus it gets annoying having to hide the scars). I am certainly dependent on porn as a means of achieving sexual release, but it never is satisfying. It's more like doing a chore. But with that illegal pornography... There is this unique, nearly manic urge to binge. I can only compare it to how meth feels when it is smoked, but meth was 100x easier to abandon than CP. I suppose my curiosity is literally killing me. I'm not really sure what to do. My sex drive is dropping day by day, which is good because it is easier to avoid CP, but along with that my ability feel pleasure is dropping day by day. I've been sober so long and I just need the high to get out of my body... This guilt is too much

My friend, the pain, suffering and confusion in your life is horrendous. But you mustn't allow yourself to fall to other stimulants. You are stuck in a cycle of stimulation, and it is driving you insane. You only thing that can help you now is abstinence from these stimulants, no matter how deep or crazy the craving is. Is there a rehab center where you live? Or some sort of place where you could be in solitude?

I just came out of dual diagnosis (substance abuse and mental illness) treatment. I was actually just going for my parents' sake, but the reason I was discharged after ~4 weeks was because neither I nor they felt like I belonged there as much as the other patients. I have posted in the 'Paraphilias' forum to discuss how I might be able to advance my progress further. My low sex drive, low motivation, and hindered ability to feel "good" makes it fairly easy for me to abstain from porn and to an extent from drugs. I posted in this forum because I do not know how to deal with this guilt. The sheer fact that I have done what I've done and thought what I've thought makes me feel quite guilty. I am not sure how to deal with this guilt... My progress might be temporary, as I do not last long against the test of stress. That's where the challenge will be.

sandandstone444 wrote:I just came out of dual diagnosis (substance abuse and mental illness) treatment. I was actually just going for my parents' sake, but the reason I was discharged after ~4 weeks was because neither I nor they felt like I belonged there as much as the other patients. I have posted in the 'Paraphilias' forum to discuss how I might be able to advance my progress further. My low sex drive, low motivation, and hindered ability to feel "good" makes it fairly easy for me to abstain from porn and to an extent from drugs. I posted in this forum because I do not know how to deal with this guilt. The sheer fact that I have done what I've done and thought what I've thought makes me feel quite guilty. I am not sure how to deal with this guilt... My progress might be temporary, as I do not last long against the test of stress. That's where the challenge will be.

Just based on what you have posted on here, I promise you, you do have demons that you are wrestling with and that you are deserving of help. Your progress is only as temporary as you want it to be, and it can be as prolonged as you want it to be.

Are you involved with any activities? A sport, a club, work, university? I believe working yourself into a commitment is most likely the best way to get your mind to break out of its hellacious cycle at the minute.

This may sound strange, but I strongly recommend putting yourself in a community where you don't have much time to think, and you really only have time to do. Your mind on top of its already shaken state, is used to this state of being, and only you, as I've stated above can really change it.
However, if you think negatively like you have been these past few years, you will only keep slipping. You are deserving of forgiveness. And you deserve a well lived life. Do not let your past destroy you my friend.

I am a university student (I'll be going back in September) and I am planning on working in a research laboratory, but other than that, I am rather isolated. Last year was my first year there and I spent the majority of my time shut in my dorm room. People didn't seem all to friendly, or perhaps I just don't make friends easily. It was a weird experience, almost complete isolation. I am hoping not to repeat that this year... But I have my doubts. I feel as though my alienation/disconnection from people is quite central to my behavior. Anxiety feeds into dissociation which feeds into isolation which feeds into depression which feeds into frustration which feeds into anxiety.

sandandstone444 wrote:I am a university student (I'll be going back in September) and I am planning on working in a research laboratory, but other than that, I am rather isolated. Last year was my first year there and I spent the majority of my time shut in my dorm room. People didn't seem all to friendly, or perhaps I just don't make friends easily. It was a weird experience, almost complete isolation. I am hoping not to repeat that this year... But I have my doubts. I feel as though my alienation/disconnection from people is quite central to my behavior. Anxiety feeds into dissociation which feeds into isolation which feeds into depression which feeds into frustration which feeds into anxiety.

I understand the feeling. I recommend not only taking up work but JOIN A CLUB OR COMMUNITY. You remember at your student orientation some cheesy guy in a suit was all like "get active, be involved in the community." Well it turns out that cheesy guy was actually right, getting yourself involved with anything, be the student council, a charity club, or even something simple like a movie club can give you a more social experience!

Im afraid this is the best advice I can give, but I see the situation your in and it makes my heart ache for you. You and me are the same age and are even 2nd years in uni(i presume your attending uni in america as well?) and yet you have lived a far more painful life then I. Life is better once your break the routine of destruction. Trust me, while my stay in my destructive routine was short lived, it was a horrible feeling that made me want to die. I understand what your going through right now, at least to an extent. So please, fight through it. Life is amazing, but sometimes we are stuck in our heads to much to notice it.

I did try a club out last year -- I wanted to become a part of the socialist movement, but wow, the socialist movement in the United States has been reduced to a joke. Most boring 2 hours of my life. This year it's gonna be the neuroscience club. Honestly, I want to start a "Better Living Through Chemistry" drugs club but I doubt I can get enough backing to start that. However, I tend to do a lot better on online communities. Zoklet was one of my favorites before it shut down. Anxiety dominates in most community-type settings. Believe me, we were nearly "forced" to do some community-building activities in my floor at the dorms... Did not go to well. People are scary. Point being that I feel as though I am too far gone, too detached from people to ever reintegrate with them.