Feeling quite guilty about my attractions

sandandstone444 wrote:I did try a club out last year -- I wanted to become a part of the socialist movement, but wow, the socialist movement in the United States has been reduced to a joke. Most boring 2 hours of my life. This year it's gonna be the neuroscience club. Honestly, I want to start a "Better Living Through Chemistry" drugs club but I doubt I can get enough backing to start that. However, I tend to do a lot better on online communities. Zoklet was one of my favorites before it shut down. Anxiety dominates in most community-type settings. Believe me, we were nearly "forced" to do some community-building activities in my floor at the dorms... Did not go to well. People are scary. Point being that I feel as though I am too far gone, too detached from people to ever reintegrate with them.

I think its that people do not live up to what you want them to live up to in your life is what makes you terrified and hesitant toward them. That may have come off confusing, but from what I understand, you want more out of your social situation. You seem to go into social situations expecting some sort of end result, while at the same time be in fear of people from anxiety.

I think your biggest crutch from the looks of things is yourself at the minute. Even if your club would fail to come into fruition, there is no point in not trying to put it out there. Even if it fails, you learn from it. You aren't detached from people, I can tell just by your post you have tried to integrate within crowds and social groups. Its just that with the way things are, you have found it difficult to find a place. Trust me, put your heart and soul into whatever ambitions you have, and you will see results, even from failure.

A lot of people only join movements to fit in and be "accepted." These people also live in constant fear of being rejected as well, they also hide this fear. You aren't as different from other people as you think, on the inside, you share many of the core fears that your peers do. Yes, you suffer from it to a larger degree, but the core issue is still relative, and you are more human then you think yourself to be.
You can make a change in your life. Don't let yourself stop you.

I definitely think this is something you need to focus all your will into cutting out now (i.e. sooner rather than later) because of the danger of contributing to the abuse of children and that this needs to stop being part of your life. I think you recognise this. You are still a young man and do not want this tainting your adult life. I hope you are able to ween yourself fully onto non-abusive porn (since not all pornography is wrong or abusive) and maybe seek outlets through creativity or other endorphin-releasing activities. Would you be able to say what you felt you were getting from the CP?