coping with my guilt

relationship/topic164506.html
Please read this. I hope this does not count as a repost as this is another forum and I would like you, the moderators and the people coping with guilt to read my 'misadventures' and talk about it (maybe from a different perspective).
Sometimes I see "the light at the of the tunnel" and think of the following things:
- I only watched naked women that is similar to porn (which is OK according to my friends, girls and boys, note that I may come from a different country and culture compared to you) and only showed my ... once (btw my gf said something like she knows every man watches porn and it is ok)
- these 'things' only lasted for 10 minutes...
- I did not touch any women and did not want to do it
- I have already beaten up myself, chosen not to do this again, and confessed it (church)
- I really really love my gf and give her lots of things (love, help, etc...)

And in dark times I think:
- I am a cheater, a miserable, disgusting man, kind of criminal in the eyes of society
- I have done harm to a girl who is honest and she is an angel who has never committed any crime
- I cannot bear the weight of my things...

I am always thinking and please believe me that I thought watching those girls and etc. is not cheating... somehow. Somehow I managed to rationalize it. I just thought it is a kind of porn, Internet thing, virtuality like playing World of Warcraft. And I thought that I must masturbate in order not to cheat (lol) my gf.
Any help, insight, supportive opinion is appreciated.

If you are not getting sexual release from your girlfriend because she is unable or simply incapable of participating within sexual activity, you are still a human, and you need to release sexual tension. The fact is, looking at porn really isn't cheating. You have to understand, its a fantasy, and a fantasy that will let you release and ease your mind. If you refuse sexual release you yourself will grow very agitated and will experience unhealthy mental state.

Looking at porn to the degree you were doing was unhealthy, but you weren't cheating and you weren't a monster. To say that you should feel ashamed of it I believe is rather irresponsible of the accuser, as you were simply allowing your sexual urges to be released in a peaceful way. Your actions were NOT inappropriate friend. Do not bear guilt over this.

Thank you Zonofo but have you read the other thread I have linked? It may contain important details to judge me.

mandra wrote:Thank you Zonofo but have you read the other thread I have linked? It may contain important details to judge me.

I have read your thread, and while I have no right to judge anyone, basing my opinion off your situation you didn't do anything wrong. You are bearing a guilt you shouldn't bear. Your situation in itself is not an average situation. Watching porn 3-4 hours a week isn't really healthy in my opinion, but it doesn't make you a horrible person, and you are not cheating. Even with the online webcam girls, while that situation may be more "real" then say porn, these girls are very much just doing a job to give men a fantasy. They themselves do it out of free will. There is no intimacy in webcam websites, all it is, just like porn, is living a fantasy from your computer.

You are bearing a guilt you need not bear. Please forgive yourself and focus on improving yourself and the lives of the loved ones around you, such as your girlfriends .

Even with the online webcam girls, while that situation may be more "real" then say porn, these girls are very much just doing a job to give men a fantasy. They themselves do it out of free will. There is no intimacy in webcam websites, all it is, just like porn, is living a fantasy from your computer.

This a keypoint in the story. Those sites were ones like Omegle and chatroulette... and the girls where from there. They were "real girls" even if I dunno them in person. E.g. one just gave me her Skype and then there she started removing her clothesand I watched...

That time I worked a lot and studied a lot and had dozens of other (not really free time) acitivites. I was thinking that "oh this is the Internet and this is only virtual - she would not like it but this is definitely not cheating and something must be done with my sexual urges". And I watched these girls. But some months ago (after nearly half a year) something happened in my mind and I started searching the net... and I realized what I did...

mandra wrote:

Even with the online webcam girls, while that situation may be more "real" then say porn, these girls are very much just doing a job to give men a fantasy. They themselves do it out of free will. There is no intimacy in webcam websites, all it is, just like porn, is living a fantasy from your computer.

This a keypoint in the story. Those sites were ones like Omegle and chatroulette... and the girls where from there. They were "real girls" even if I dunno them in person. E.g. one just gave me her Skype and then there she started removing her clothesand I watched...

That time I worked a lot and studied a lot and had dozens of other (not really free time) acitivites. I was thinking that "oh this is the Internet and this is only virtual - she would not like it but this is definitely not cheating and something must be done with my sexual urges". And I watched these girls. But some months ago (after nearly half a year) something happened in my mind and I started searching the net... and I realized what I did...

I just want to clarify, you told your girlfriends about your porn habit, but did you tell her about these events? I feel confronting her with the truth and letting yourself be open will absolve you of your grief. From what I understand, I feel as if you and your girlfriend need to have a talk about your sexual needs as well, seeing as she is not wanting to engage in sexual intercourse, you can't go your life attempting to not go through sexual release and feeling ashamed when you do. So be open with her about your needs as well.

I just want to clarify, you told your girlfriends about your porn habit, but did you tell her about these events? I feel confronting her with the truth and letting yourself be open will absolve you of your grief. From what I understand, I feel as if you and your girlfriend need to have a talk about your sexual needs as well, seeing as she is not wanting to engage in sexual intercourse, you can't go your life attempting to not go through sexual release and feeling ashamed when you do. So be open with her about your needs as well.

I did not tell her anything about the events and about the porn habit. I wrote to this forum, talked to several therapists online and my parent and everybody said something like I should not tell. I also confessed it (church) and the priest said I should not tell her. Some weeks ago I felt like it is important to comfront her but now it seems as a bad idea as it would ruin everything (in her).

These things happened last year. In January, I started to watch less porn and from May I watched porn once in a month. Now, I havent watched it for 50 days. My gf recovered from her illness in June and in July we "restarted" our sexual life. Now, we have enough sexual intercourse as I see.

Please tell me what do you think about those webcam things and the porn thing and the things with my gf.

mandra wrote:

I just want to clarify, you told your girlfriends about your porn habit, but did you tell her about these events? I feel confronting her with the truth and letting yourself be open will absolve you of your grief. From what I understand, I feel as if you and your girlfriend need to have a talk about your sexual needs as well, seeing as she is not wanting to engage in sexual intercourse, you can't go your life attempting to not go through sexual release and feeling ashamed when you do. So be open with her about your needs as well.

I did not tell her anything about the events and about the porn habit. I wrote to this forum, talked to several therapists online and my parent and everybody said something like I should not tell. I also confessed it (church) and the priest said I should not tell her. Some weeks ago I felt like it is important to comfront her but now it seems as a bad idea as it would ruin everything (in her).

These things happened last year. In January, I started to watch less porn and from May I watched porn once in a month. Now, I havent watched it for 50 days. My gf recovered from her illness in June and in July we "restarted" our sexual life. Now, we have enough sexual intercourse as I see.

Please tell me what do you think about those webcam things and the porn thing and the things with my gf.

I think it isn't very fair for your mental health and hers to live a lie and not let what is troubling you to core be known to the one you love. I suppose it comes down to if living a lie is worth it and how severe the truth could hurt her, but I firmly believe for your sake at least that this needs to be brought to light. You can tell everyone on the planet but there really is only one person you need to confront regarding the issue, and that person is your girlfriend.

In my honest opinion, I do not think it is ever worth hiding in the shadows and letting this sit heavy on your conscious to the degree I can see it has. Letting it be known will free you, at least in my opinion friend.

But what do you think? I think that she will leave me and/or be heavily depressed. And as my parents said "I must not tell her" - if I tell her they will hate me and say that I am a fool who told it. To be honest I think my parents want grandchildren and me in a marriage.
What would you tell her in my place? How would you tell her?
How would you judge my guilt?

mandra wrote:But what do you think? I think that she will leave me and/or be heavily depressed. And as my parents said "I must not tell her" - if I tell her they will hate me and say that I am a fool who told it. To be honest I think my parents want grandchildren and me in a marriage.
What would you tell her in my place? How would you tell her?
How would you judge my guilt?

If she does leave you or is saddened by it, you at least have told her the truth. And revealing the truth if better then living a lie if you were to get married to this girl and bear this guilt your whole life. You must understand that your mental health and well being needs to also be considered before making any more serious considerations. If she leaves you, she would leave with the truth. Or she could stay with you and you would wrongfully be bearing a guilt that she would not know off.

I understand society must be pressuring you to mature and reach a certain stage of your life, but you shouldn't continue if your conscious knows something is wrong. In the end, I am not you, nor am I familiar with your life or your situation. But I am someone who feels something like this shouldn't be kept secret. letting yourself be vulnerable and letting the truth be free is better then caging the guilt inside of you and being stuck in a eternal torture. If you want my advice, I say let her know, it would only be fair IMO.

What happens after the truth is revealed will not be easy, but it is better to deal with that then live a lie. At least, that is my perspective on it.