Suicidal Guilt, I molested my brother :'(

Hi everyone, i have been looking around psych forums for a couple of days now but I haven't posted, and I wasn't going to, but I don't really know what my other options are at the moment as I am completely losing my mind...

Before I start, please don't tell me to see a therapist. I can't afford one. It's not an option. Maybe at some point, but not right now.

There's a couple of years age difference between me and my Autistic brother. He has fairly extreme autism, he cannot speak. A while ago, when i was about 13-14 and he was 11-12, there was a period where i truly believed i might have been bisexual / gay and i was really ###$ up with my sexual emotions. I touched him on about 12 different occasions, and engaged in oral sex with him about 6-7 times over the period of 3-6 months, before i started to feel guilt and kind of snapped out of it, and ever since i have suffered from extreme guilt.

I can't handle life anymore, the remorse is getting to me. I would give absolutely anything to take that back, Its the biggest mistake of my life, and if there is ANYTHING i could do to take it back, i would do it, but unfortunately i can't. I am depressed every day, and this guilt is like a weight on my chest every single day, and i think the only way out is to kill myself. It's the truth. It's what i deserve, too.

On top of this, i have developed a slight gambling addiction from trying to find something to cope with this. I can't do this anymore, people tell me - am i a horrible person and a molester? and a sexual predator?

-- Mon Jul 27, 2015 9:15 pm --

Someone help please, it's killing me worse tonight for some reason and i cant handle it (

You were only a young teen at the time, who himself most likely had no idea what he was truly doing. At the time, you were confused lost and unsure in a world that does not bother to educate its youth on sexuality and the implications of acceptance of self in regards to sexuality.

Do not suffocate yourself with this guilt. If you want to release it to the real world in some way, I would advise speaking to a therapist, as they could help you go through the struggle you are facing right now. Please, learn to accept and love yourself. Your misguided and naive actions that, while not excusable, SHOULD NOT define you.

And also, please do not take out your feelings and guilt on external sources such as gambling or alcohol. This path is a path of self-destruction, and will only set your further away from redemption.

I can tell simply by your guilt that you ARE NOT a sexual predator, and while that action could be described "legally" as molestation, the situation now and back then simply did not have the intent of malice and evil. I assume that this was the only times that you have sexually misbehaved in your life, and your letting it consume you.

Judging by your post, I would STRONGLY recommend therapy. Find a therapist you can trust, and work through the healing process with him..

You ARE deserving of forgiveness. Every human being on the planet deserves to be forgiven. You are no exception. Please, learn to accept that while your actions were inappropriate and wrong, that you YOURSELF are not evil. You have much to give to the world.

Best of luck.

*mod edit*

I think therapy is the best course of action in this situation. You were a child yourself, though I think it is something that you need to work through fully in conversation with a professional, both for yourself and your brother. If you come back to this thread, do you know if therapy would be a possible option for you?