Guilt over past abuse - want to tell people.

I'm an 18 year old, and just close to two months ago, I came to remember something I did when I was younger and since then I've been suffering, to varying degrees, from a great deal of shame and guilt.

Between the age of 12-14, I was sexually inappropriate with my sister, who was about 6-8 during the period. This went on intermittently, and varied in seriousness - sometimes I'd watch as she would get undressed, and at its most serious I let her use my finger to itch her private parts. I didn't do anything without her "consent", but given the circumstances (her young age and her developmental problems) I recognise that that doesn't really mean anything or change the nature of what happened.

I've told most of my family, and they took it in their stride, basically taking the position that it was in the past, and as it hasn't happened since they thought the best thing would be to see someone about it, which I did - a therapist I've been seeing for about a month now.

However, despite this I still feel awful about what I did. I recognise that it is natural to feel guilt after something like this, but I also feel the urge to tell the people I care about - extended family and friends - to let it out there and let fate take me where it will. However, at the same time I can't - my sister doesn't seem to remember what happened, and I don't want to run the risk of bringing it all up for her, as well as causing turmoil for the rest of my family, out of some selfish desire for catharsis and punishment. However, as it is I just feel disconnected from my friends+ext.family, unworthy of their love so long as they don't know the reality of what I did. I feel like I've gotten away with it scot-free.

There is one friend I've considered talking to about it, who I feel even in the worst-case scenario wouldn't spread it (my town is the sort of place where things spread fast and wide), but I don't know if telling her would even make me feel better or not - I think I might just be looking for something, anything to change how I'm feeling now, cos even with big things coming up (like Uni) I can't shake a horrible feeling that these feelings might not go away any time soon, and the though of being haunted by this for years on end is hellish.

Any advice and comment would be appreciated, thank you. It's so good to have somewhere to talk about this - I didn't think there existed anywhere on the net.

It seems significantly more experimental then molestation on what you did. How did you ask your sister about the situation in regards to the action?

As for telling other people, I think only one you can really decide if you want to inform friends and let all your secrets out. In my experience, if there is ever a chance that it would be told to someone you would not approve off, I would not bother telling it to people you could not truly trust.

You are feeling remorse, and have even told your family. I think you are to concerned with your morality and being a just person. You were not the person then you were now. You were wronger and immature, and were most likely not educated on sex in general. You did not seem to act on malice by any means.

I'm gonna be honest with you(I'm also an 18 year old who goes into his 2nd year of Uni soon, and I also have felt remorse for my horrendous actions), if you keep thinking about it, the more it will damage your conscious and the more you are going to hurt yourself.

When you go to Uni, keep yourself busy and keep a busy social life. You will bear this guilt, but you will be improving yourself and your quality of life. If you notice any extreme changes in behavior in your sister I would talk to her about it.

I too have felt what you're describing. Very different situation, but same emotions. The wanting to tell the people in your life, feeling like they should know and either forgive or forget you, feeling like you got away with something and need closure whether it's positive or negative. From my personal experience, I've realized that no one actually needs to know. It has nothing to do with right now, today, this present moment. Consider this, everyone in your life, everyone you've ever met, has done literally BILLIONS of things that you don't know about, none of which affects the relationship you hold with them today. This is something from your past, that from the sounds of it had no major affect on your present life(other than your conscience). Leave it in the past, let it be what it's always been, a small memory in your head out of billions. I wish you the best in moving on.

Zonofo wrote:You are feeling remorse, and have even told your family. I think you are to concerned with your morality and being a just person. You were not the person then you were now. You were wronger and immature, and were most likely not educated on sex in general. You did not seem to act on malice by any means.

Nah, I definitely realised that such things were morally wrong, I suppose I just didn't think of the morals of my actions back then - I suppose I didn't attach much importance to them back then.

Zonofo wrote:I'm gonna be honest with you(I'm also an 18 year old who goes into his 2nd year of Uni soon, and I also have felt remorse for my horrendous actions), if you keep thinking about it, the more it will damage your conscious and the more you are going to hurt yourself.

When you go to Uni, keep yourself busy and keep a busy social life. You will bear this guilt, but you will be improving yourself and your quality of life. If you notice any extreme changes in behavior in your sister I would talk to her about it.

Yeah, I'm hoping that going to Uni and changing things up, giving myself a whole new thing to immerse myself in will help. I've also decided that if my sister did start to be affected by it then I'd follow her lead in what she would want to happen - it'd only be right.

souvlakispacestation wrote:

Zonofo wrote:You are feeling remorse, and have even told your family. I think you are to concerned with your morality and being a just person. You were not the person then you were now. You were wronger and immature, and were most likely not educated on sex in general. You did not seem to act on malice by any means.

Nah, I definitely realised that such things were morally wrong, I suppose I just didn't think of the morals of my actions back then - I suppose I didn't attach much importance to them back then.

Zonofo wrote:I'm gonna be honest with you(I'm also an 18 year old who goes into his 2nd year of Uni soon, and I also have felt remorse for my horrendous actions), if you keep thinking about it, the more it will damage your conscious and the more you are going to hurt yourself.

When you go to Uni, keep yourself busy and keep a busy social life. You will bear this guilt, but you will be improving yourself and your quality of life. If you notice any extreme changes in behavior in your sister I would talk to her about it.

Yeah, I'm hoping that going to Uni and changing things up, giving myself a whole new thing to immerse myself in will help. I've also decided that if my sister did start to be affected by it then I'd follow her lead in what she would want to happen - it'd only be right.

Best of luck. You are more then your past actions. Keep that in mind as you move to reach a greater quality of life.

So I've been thinking some more on this, and remembered some things and I've realised it goes even deeper than I thought.

Like, I've realised that I was profoundly sexually ###$ up on a deep level for a long time. Like, I stopped the abuse at 14 but I kept on looking at ###$ up extreme porn and I even did stuff with my ######6 dogs. And that $#%^ dIidn't end until I was maybe 15 - hell, it could've been 16. At least I could find some solace before this realisation in the distance, but two years is no distance whatsoever.

I don't feel like I can face up to any of my old friends, I've effectively lived the majority of my life since childhood as a deeply ###$ up person. I just wish I could go back and change things, or at least face the legal consequences of what i've done, but I can do neither. And even if I did, I'd probably ruin my life in the process. I don't see any decent ways out.

I'm sorry, I just... need somewhere to vent.

souvlakispacestation wrote:So I've been thinking some more on this, and remembered some things and I've realised it goes even deeper than I thought.

Like, I've realised that I was profoundly sexually ###$ up on a deep level for a long time. Like, I stopped the abuse at 14 but I kept on looking at ###$ up extreme porn and I even did stuff with my ######6 dogs. And that $#%^ dIidn't end until I was maybe 15 - hell, it could've been 16. At least I could find some solace before this realisation in the distance, but two years is no distance whatsoever.

I don't feel like I can face up to any of my old friends, I've effectively lived the majority of my life since childhood as a deeply ###$ up person. I just wish I could go back and change things, or at least face the legal consequences of what i've done, but I can do neither. And even if I did, I'd probably ruin my life in the process. I don't see any decent ways out.

I'm sorry, I just... need somewhere to vent.

Do not apologize for letting yourself relieve your inner thoughts. We here at the remorse forums are here to find peace and make up for the past actions in our lives, and to also improve them. The only "tools" we have to do that, is each other.

Was there any time as a child you can remember being abused or going through some sort of sexual misconduct? It is not rare for children to have experienced abuse to experiment on a far more extreme sexual level. It honestly seems going through your adolescence you were very sexually curious and confused, and were discovering yourself through sexual means.

You are NOT a screwed up person. Yes, you are different then what society perceives as "normal" but I will say your behavior(extreme porn, and experimentation with animals) is more common then you think, and most people do not think twice about these actions as they escape the persons memory as nothing more then simple experimentation.

I think you do have a desire to be considered socially normal and be accepted as normal within society, judging by how concerned you are over your past and how you feel your old friends would not accept you. You are not an abnormality and you deserve to live and enjoy life. Nobodies past was perfect,and yours was filled with ignorance. Growing up as a teenager is confusing enough, and with the sex-crazed culture we live in many preform actions of sexual deviancy without realizing the severity of their actions.

You are not a screwed up person.You are a person that is deserving of happiness and the ability to contribute to society. Your past does not define you as a person. Especially when you were growing and developing at such a vulnerable level mentally.

The fact that you feel regret means you are deserving of peace. You can live past this. You deserve to friend. Best of luck.

Zonofo wrote:Was there any time as a child you can remember being abused or going through some sort of sexual misconduct? It is not rare for children to have experienced abuse to experiment on a far more extreme sexual level. It honestly seems going through your adolescence you were very sexually curious and confused, and were discovering yourself through sexual means.

Naw, never abused.

I think you do have a desire to be considered socially normal and be accepted as normal within society, judging by how concerned you are over your past and how you feel your old friends would not accept you.

Aye you're right there. Met up with them for A-Level results there and after I left the love they clearly felt for me broke my ######6 heart, knowing how it would so easily and quickly fade if they knew.

The fact that you feel regret means you are deserving of peace. You can live past this. You deserve to friend. Best of luck.

Thanks mate, but I don't know if I'll ever truly know peace unless I can face the genuine, real consequences of my actions, cos this wasn't just a one-off shameful experiment but a prolonged series of what, I can see now, was abuse. I've no idea what damage I could have caused. But at the same time, I might not have the option of being punished, my sister may never remember and if thats so what right have I to set off the bomb I've put inside her mind for my personal catharsis?

I just don't feel I deserve to reach that light at the end of the tunnel. Best thing might be to just try and live an isolated life, I reckon I could do it if needs be.

Living in isolation won't do much for you I'm afraid. The guilt is going to follow you until your death, unless you find the strength to forgive yourself.

If you want to talk to an actual person about it, talk to a therapist. They are trained to deal with situations such as yours, and help you walk a path to recovery.

I think its only fair for you and your sister if you live life to the best of your ability. Yes you made mistakes that were misguided and rooted in naivety. However, letting that guilt consume you is just a way of running away and not accepting that those past mistakes were a part of the person you are today.

If you continue to run away friend, you will only seek to destroy yourself in the long run. All people wear a mask. I'm sure even your closest friends and people in your life have a mask that they have simply forgotten about now. But you haven't. You kept your mask and reflected upon it once you reached maturity. That shows you are deserving of moving on, that you are capable of accepting your humanity.

There is no reason to face consequences of a physical level seeing as you were just a child at the time as well. The most that would have happened at that time would have been juvenile detention and then it would have been wiped off your record. Not much of a punishment huh? Thats because you were a child that had no idea what the hell he was doing.

I know in this society "punishment" and "retribution" is pushed pretty heavily on the news, media and literature, but reality is far more grey, and many who commit actions such as these walk without remembering them.

I think if anything, for your sake AND your sisters, I would apologize flat out about your actions, whether she remembers or not. Be sincere, and tell her what has caused you such despair.

Zonofo wrote:If you want to talk to an actual person about it, talk to a therapist. They are trained to deal with situations such as yours, and help you walk a path to recovery.

I have been, nearing the end of our sessions actually as I'm heading to Uni soon (dunno if I'll see about the uni's counselling resources there, certainly won't go private, no way I could afford it)

Zonofo wrote:I think its only fair for you and your sister if you live life to the best of your ability. Yes you made mistakes that were misguided and rooted in naivety. However, letting that guilt consume you is just a way of running away and not accepting that those past mistakes were a part of the person you are today.

If you continue to run away friend, you will only seek to destroy yourself in the long run. All people wear a mask. I'm sure even your closest friends and people in your life have a mask that they have simply forgotten about now. But you haven't. You kept your mask and reflected upon it once you reached maturity. That shows you are deserving of moving on, that you are capable of accepting your humanity.

See, my therapist said the same thing but like... most people's mistakes aren't the sort that can ###$ up entire lives. Like, I've basically been ######6 myself up by going thru tags on Tumblr and seeing just how this sort of stuff effects ppl and even though my case may not be similar it's still pretty galling to see how much understandable hate is directed towards someone in my position.

Zonofo wrote:There is no reason to face consequences of a physical level seeing as you were just a child at the time as well. The most that would have happened at that time would have been juvenile detention and then it would have been wiped off your record. Not much of a punishment huh? Thats because you were a child that had no idea what the hell he was doing.

Nah, I definitely knew what I was doing was wrong - I'd say to others about how "paedo's" (I didn't draw a distinction between offending paedo's and non-offending back then) were sick bastards, yet I somehow never made the connection between that and my own actions.

Zonofo wrote:I know in this society "punishment" and "retribution" is pushed pretty heavily on the news, media and literature, but reality is far more grey, and many who commit actions such as these walk without remembering them.

Yes, and I can't help but feel that that's wrong - this stuff can ###$ victims up for the rest of their lives - I could have done so - people should face up to their actions, even if that means little more than mental help to ensure they won't offend again. I personally feel like going the legal route be the only way I could make it clear that I was sorry and willing to face up to my actions. Anything else just feels like I've gotten away with it, like I've cheated.[/quote]

Zonofo wrote:I think if anything, for your sake AND your sisters, I would apologize flat out about your actions, whether she remembers or not. Be sincere, and tell her what has caused you such despair.

Thing is, my sister has developmental problems, and I don't think she'd really be able to properly process it mentally. That's scary as ###$ to me, cos she might remember and be ###$ up by this but not be able to understand what is doing it, and thus be unable to communicate it to someone. I'm gonna tell my parents to keep vigilant for any sudden changes in her behaviour, and if they occur to not hesitate to send her to someone and tell them what happened so they can help effectively. But then this raises the possibility that my fam might get stigmatized cos people might think they were covering things up, even if they didn't and never would (my dad told me that if I were still doing it he would drag me to the station himself).

Basically, it's all a really ###$ up situation.

(cheers again mate for replying - I should probs stop saying this each time :p)