Murderous guilt

I watched child porn for the first time when I was 15. I masturbated to it. I have no attraction towards kids, none what so ever, I believe I was watching it because I wanted to see girls my age, at the time. While I did that, I saw many things that haunt me to this day.

When I was 16, I put the tip of my penis on my niece's lips. She was 6 months old. I'm happy she didn't open her mouth, as ###$ up as that sounds. I had no attraction towards her then, nor do I have any now. The fact that I did what I did still haunts me to this day. I cant sleep most nights because of the guilt. I don't know what I should do. I have thought about hanging myself or going "away" for the longest time over this. I hope none of this effects her mentally, I really do.

I don't know what to expect. I guess this is just cathartic.

I believe you when you say you wanted to look at girls your own age. However, you surely now understand how viewing child pornography contributes to the demand for its creation and existence. If you haven't viewed it since and have no intention to, forget about it.

On the second incident, there are two ways to look at this.

1) Based on what ACTUALLY happened, not what COULD have happened, nobody can say that you did your niece any harm by simply touching her with a part of your body. Episodic memory typically begin to form around two-and-a-half to three years old. It's difficult for us to imagine what it's like to be six months old, but infants of that age simply don't have the capacity to attach meaning to events in the way older children and adults do. She won't remember it.

2) You were 16 and really should have known better. It was a perverse thing to do. I don't know what was going through your head at that time. Can you identify any emotions you were feeling at the time? Was it like a voice telling you to do it?

Killing yourself would be a far, far worse thing to do than the incidents you've described. Think about your family and friends, or anyone who has given you opportunity in life. Suicide more often than not creates more suffering than it ends. And how convenient that you're not around to deal with it. Consider that when considering what is the ultimate selfish act.

I mean can you imagine what your niece would think if you had committed suicide because of what you did? Do you think she would be grateful or distraught?

Give yourself time to get your head together. Live through the initial darkness of this guilt. Then when you're ready to live in the present instead of the non-existent past, get up, get out and change the world.

That you feel guilty, is a sign that you're a decent human being. What you did was wrong, horrible etc and you have to live with that but letting it control your life does no one any good. Maybe you could try volunteering to try to atone for what you've done. At the least you'll be helping and making other peoples lives better and there is a chance it could over time make you feel better about yourself.