I feel like dying please help - guilt from molestation

So I seem to read the PF community a lot for understanding with my problems. However now I feel it is time to share mine.

Okay so I'm a 21 year old male who suffers from complex ptsd, dissociation, anxiety and a range of neurological symptoms. but my story starts when I was 9. My father left us. I am the eldest sibling with 1 brother (16) and 2 sisters (16&19). This was followed by severe bullying at school, watching my nan die and suffering from an abusive mother who regularly drank in an effort to comfort herself and scope with the situation. As a result she became very physically and emotionally abusive towards me as I resembled my father who had just walked out.

All of this became too much for me to bare and as a result I became a child filled with fear and this was covered up by anger and hate. I had very few friends and by the age of 12 had already started taking drugs in an effort to escape the pain.

But during this time I did something awful, something that makes my skin crawl to this day. Something that I feel I will never be able to forgive myself for as it makes me a sick human - a monster. During the ages of 12-14 I sexually abused my younger sister. She was 10-12 at the time. She always consented but I was persuasive and I used to convince her it was ok for us to fondle etc. I knew it was wrong at the time but I didn't know how serious it was. And I hate myself for it today. In fact I found I felt so guilty I dissociated and almost forgot it happened. And then at the age of 19 - during a series of failed relationships - it all came back to me. The pain was excruciating and I e pretty much locked myself in my room for the last 2 years.

I have spoken to my sister about this, and how deeply sorry I am. She has told me it wasn't ok but she forgives me and understands that we were both kids and thinks I punish myself for it too much. But I can't forgive myself, every time I see her ill, depressed or needy I automatically subconsciously think it is all my fault. She is ill a lot, it could be the abuse she suffered at the hands of my mum, dad or me or a combination of the three. But she is always stressed and ill and I hate it. I DO love her and wish I hadn't hurt her like that when I was younger. I care about her a lot and would do anything to turn back time but I can't. In fact it hurts so bad that my entire emotional system has shut down and now I feel numb all the time and can barely connect with who I am.

I have confessed to my father and two very close friends, all of whom have been accepting of it, and told me that it was wrong but I should move on. But I can't. I love my siblings so much and the thought of causing any of them long term pain has pretty much driven crazy.

I am pretty obsessive, anxious and dissociate a lot but I guess this is what I deserve.

I feel like a monster and I am totally isolated now (socially) from what used to be a productive and functioning life.

I have been in therapy for nearly a year now and have seen some progress albeit limited. No matter what we work on i struggle to access my emotions and memories to release them.

I can't live like this forever.

Please share your thoughts because I need someone to talk to - even if they are hateful etc

Thanks

It's more than likely hard for you to accept, but I feel nearly identical. If you read my posts, I did some things I don't think I'll ever get over. It's getting to the point where I won't do anything of remote enjoyment because I feel undeserving. Lost all friends, and even about to lose my job due to missing days. I've been told numerous times over years, that it's ok and multiple things. That "you have punished yourself enough", "Just move on, you were a kid", "you were a victim first", "no one cares/remembers". I just can't accept it for some reason. Maybe because it's me? I don't know... Clearly. Been to a therapist for awhile, and understand what he is saying but unable to take it to heart because I feel the way I feel regardless.

I am unsure of what to say. I haven't found the answer yet either. But I wanted to let you know you are not alone in this. There is an answer-somewhere. The answer is probably inside us, has always been and we are the only ones who can help ourselves.

Just my opinion. I'm not a professional or expert.

No, this is not what you deserve. And it's not what your family deserves either. You've all been through a lot. Having you come to terms with what happened. And learn to forgive yourself. Would be a very powerful thing to do for your siblings. If you can tackle this and put this back into perspective. Then that gives them an additional source of hope. That they can handle the bad stuff life's thrown at them, too.

It's already a very big step to have taken. To talk honestly to your sister. And others. And that you're seeing a therapist and are making steady progress. [Which is MUCH better than quick progress which doesn't last.] I know it's probably the cheesiest thing that I could come out with. But that saying- "it's always darkest just before dawn." Is what keeps going through my mind as I read your post. You've done so much hard work already. Yes there's more to come. It's perhaps OK to starting thinking about whether it might be OK to forgive yourself at some point. I'm not saying do it immediately! Or that it's essential in the near future. Just wondering if it could be put on the table for some thinking about?

@both commenters: thank you for your posts, you have no idea how comforting it is for me to share my story and be accepted, because keeping it in is just hell. So I appreciate you taking the time to comment and give your opinions.

@ heart full of guilt. Whilst it is horrible to think that someone else must be going through what myself and my siblings have been through, I take comfort in knowing that I am not alone and that there are others out there who are likely to overcome problems such as this. I am optimistic and hope for a day when I am symptom free but right now that feels so far away. I still feel evil, even if rationally it doesn't sense. I hope you too can find comfort in yourself, whilst receiving all the support you need. One thing that has helped me tremendously is meditation before bed, it gives me a clear mind when sleeping which pays huge dividends the following day. Doesn't solve the underlying problem but worth a try if you haven't already. And yes I agree it's an insider job, but my insides are so well hidden and protected it makes it almost impossible and also thank you for commenting

@ada thank you for your supportive comments and the beautiful quote, I hope I can see a lighter day when me and my siblings are free, happy and have good relationships without the toxicity of my mother
and father. And yes maybe it is time to forgive myself and rationally I can empathise, but emotionally and subconsciously I cannot. I feel dissociated all the time and have an underlying feeling that I am evil and a monster. Today has actually been an ok day (yesterday was not) but when I'm having bad days I hate myself so much that I can't even look in the mirror.

I need to accept this, I have spent my whole life running away from who I am because I'm scared. But I feel so lost that sometimes I don't ever feel like I can be the person I am and the person I want to be.

Thank you again for your wise words

Whatsinside

-- Wed Aug 05, 2015 12:37 pm --

Struggling again. Suicidal thoughts. Want to die, feel sick I'm guilty. Please talk to me