I'm a confused con with a troubled past.

Greetings. First off, I love this forum! I've been browsing here for the past few years on and off and it's helped me a lot but I haven't registered because of privacy concerns until now because I'm desperate.

If you all seem overwhelmed by the wall of text, I apologize in advance but I don't know how to word what I wish to ask without seeming long winded.

I'm a 24 year old male who struggles with bipolar and I'm reeling from a past with a highly abusive (both emotionally and physically) narcissistic mother. I've never been shown any genuine love or affection; I don't even know or understand the feeling of love.

My mother was an controlling person who was responsible for damaging many people's lives. She was a compulsive liar and only cared about herself. In fact, the only reason why I'm alive today is because of her selfishness. She would lure wealthy Arabic men in (who weren't allowed to have relations with American woman due to cultural reasons) and have sex with them to gain money in exchange for her silence knowing they could be disowned if she told them.

While growing up, she distanced me from the rest of the family because she felt threatened by them knowing they knew the type of person she is. She wouldn't let me go outside and play and controlled every aspect of my life. When I didn't bend to her will, she would do anything from beat me to using the mental health system against me. I never had much of a childhood because of her and I lived most of my life in constant fear of her until she passed away 4 years ago.

Now a combination of untreated bipolar and trauma is preventing me from living a normal life. I live with a relative who helps provide for me but is insisting that I try to get my own place soon because he's heavily into dating and we live in a small house. I struggle to hold a regular job for any more than a couple of months at a time. I've tried well over 24 different medications for my bipolar as well as tried to find a therapist over the course of the past several years. I live in one of the worst states for getting any type of mental health. All the places where I've tried to turn to either had a really long waiting time, therapists didn't help me right, or are too expensive and the psychiatrists here are much worse and after all that I've been through, I don't have the will to even try anymore.

To make matters worse, I lack certain life skills and social skills that most people my age have and as shameful that it is to admit, I don't even know how to drive because of being denied the chance to go to driver's ed when I was in high school thanks to my mother and I'm too ashamed and broke to go now (it costs $300+ where I live)

I don't have a lot of friends and have only been in one relationship in my entire pathetic excuse of a lifespan which ended horribly in 3 months because I was too darn afraid to open up to her so I tried to take the easy way out by lying and manipulating her and threatening and intimidating her when she tried to dump me.

Rather than even try to live a decent life anymore I take shortcuts by running shady internet schemes and hurting/manipulating others to get ahead in life. I have no real direction anymore; all I want is to be like everyone else and have a house and a car but thanks to my upbringing and my weakness, I feel like I have to hurt others despite not wanting to just to get any form of happiness out of my life.

When I'm not being a horrible person, I'm spending 14+ hours a day on average playing online video games both as an escape from my suffering and as a way to make myself feel superior by greifing players who aren't as good as me and trolling people for the fun of it.

I do feel some degree of remorse for those that I hurt. In fact, my treatment of my ex and the fact that I manipulated a childhood friend (one of the few friends that I ever had) for thousands of dollars by making myself out to be this super tech genius who wanted to run a business and needed startup funds still eat me up inside.

I want to stop and I want to be a good person. I just don't know how anymore and I'm making this post in order to see if there is a such thing as good people who would show somebody like me some degree of compassion and want to help me.

Any advice I can get is welcome and appreciated. Again, I want to change. Thanks in advance.

I don't consider myself a good person... but I still reacted with concern and compassion upon reading your post. It sounds as though your mother treated you terribly and it is understandable that you find it hard to forge relationships having undergone the childhood that you did. I think you also need to compare yourself less to other people and their achievements. There'll always be people who have done more and always be people who have done less. I'm 28 and I can't drive either and even though I've done well for myself academically, am still working in a supermarket for minimum wage and will likely continue to do so for the foreseeable future.

But I'm not going to judge myself based on that. It is what it is and really only affects my life. I don't need a great job and not being able to drive isn't the end of the world.

The important thing is being a decent person and building self-respect upon that. And I think you are trying to become a decent person, you just feel scared and mixed-up. Plus, you live in a society that does next to nothing to support those with mental illness and who claim to believe in rehabilitation and then prevent those with troubles or crimes in their background from working at all cost.

Obviously, the first thing you have to do is to cut out the cons. I also thinking spending less time gaming might actually increase your mood. Instead of hiding away, get outside at least once a day, if only to get the fresh air and sunlight. Are you taking meds regularly and currently in therapy?

I might be wrong, but reading your post you come across as both cynical and idealistic... like, you have high expectations for yourself but simultaneously feel that you won't be able to achieve them. It seems like you might judge others as intellectually inferior to you (and, to be fair, you seem pretty smart) but also don't like yourself very much. It's hard to develop more positive feelings about yourself or others. Meditation can help, but some of the rhetoric can feel pretty wishy washy. Do you read much? Is there currently anyone else in your life you are close to?

I'm sorry I can't offer any definite answers at this stage, but I'll keep thinking. You seem like an interesting and smart man and I think you can have a better future.

All the best,
Sprock

I didn't read your post fully but it sounds like you are being way too hard on yourself. I also cannot drive in my late twenties and playing video games is nothing to be ashamed of.

If your mother is toxic, avoid her and find some good friends. join a church, temple, other place etc or community of people that make you feel good. there is hope.

Hi Livingishiding *TW*

First of all, It took great courage to admit what you just posted, it takes strength to do that.
To admit you have done some things your not proud of is a great start in my opinion

Not the end of the world not to be able to drive, so try not to see that as a failure, just that its not important right now...

They say baby steps for a good reason, try not to over burden your thoughts on what you haven't achieved, and look at maybe one/two things that you have done that your proud of yourself for..
eg;

*Helped someone with something
*Got yourself though a very difficult up bringing (you survived this traumatic time)

How are you coping with grieving ?
I understand your childhood, mine was very similar. (with Narc mother)
Can i ask...how was/is the grandmother, did your mother also have a Narcs mother?
Their is usually cycle, that's why i ask.

Lots of people here that have great advice and do care, just knowing that helps too.
take care

i'm 25 and even i dont know how to drive a car or a motorbike.

i had gone to gym last year n i was ashamed at first
first day, i just went to the gym n returned
second day was same
third day i gathered the courage n went inside

though i was the thinnest boy inside, the instructor was helpful n going to the gym for 2 months was pretty enjoyable n fun

you can learn driving now if you want.

i've never been in a serious relationship n often think that even my life is pathetic. but its all right.

i dont judge others, that ways i dont end up judging myself. people have different past n have different future.

its like if you take three samples of blood from a person n
place one sample in extreme heat
second sample in extreme cold
third sample at room temperature,

the next day, all three samples will have different reactions to their environment. its not the fault of the blood that it was placed in fire or cold or at room temperature.

we didnt choose the bad incidents to occur to us. not judging yourself could be helpful.