How to cope(in regards to my previous topic). Public view.

I think I am beginning to come to terms that, I may have reacted out of being abused. That it may not be childhood sexual abuse because it was only once. And that perhaps I can move on somehow. I still feel entirely responsible for what I did and think others who aren't as sympathetic might label me a monster. I don't know why I feel so guilty, perhaps being tainted by other articles. All I have is a vague mental picture of what occurred. no dialogue or reasoning. That may attribute the inability to forgive myself.

It may be selfish but about half of my remorse and guilt come from what I feel the public might view my situation as. It scares me that the views people have on children that are involved in this type of stuff, are kind of cruel. Say someone of a celebrity status or a well loved official was slapped with the mirror copy of my exact childhood. Would the views be the same? I know I compare to much, but I doubt I'd receive any sympathy if I was more popular. And maybe receive different responses from the community here, I don't know. I just hate this constant- if they knew...

*Actual thoughts that run through my head every few minutes*

I play guitar-"You think you deserve to do that after what you have done?"
I watch a video- "What are you doing? running from your problems? you don't deserve any enjoyment. But when you are through, we will be here waiting for you."
I go to the store-"if they knew... they would hate you. might as well not talk to anybody. Nobody likes monsters."
sadly contemplating suicide- "Might as well. This isn't going to get better. Your family says its not that big of a deal, but they just don't want to hurt your feelings. Then again they probably hate you or tolerate you anyway. Suicide is selfish, but what do you care, so are you. They wont care a few months down the line anyway. I mean who could love a monster like you?"

No girlfriend- rationalized
No friends- rationalized
No enjoyment- rationalized

I'm sorry all of this may seem odd, but this is how I think. I would appreciate if maybe someone could take a hard look at this and maybe view my last few posts on my other topic and really dissect this. Then again I would hate wasting your time and effort by not accepting your view. I truly want this suffering to end. I still hold out a little hope that someone may have some answers for me. I am in a somewhat better place than I was years ago. And have become comfortable in this community, which is why I posted my story.

Thank you all, thank you.

Well first of all. i know exactly what you must be going trough.

I to have serious issues with guilt and shame. And i have no idea how to deal with them.
I just wanted to let you know that i can relate with you.

I to feel when i am somewhere that if people only 'knew' what ive had done they would be sick of it.

Whenever i watch tv or hear about something that relates to my issue i feel intense guilt and anxiety.

It even gets to bad that whenever i try to think like: Well it was in the past and it is not happening right now anymore. I get thoughts like 'what if the past still exists in another dimension? what if my older self is still doing these things in another dimension from the past?

This is just an example. But it shows that NO MATTER how much people or ourself say that something we did is something we DID. We will always find ways to blame ourselves right NOW.

We will always keep ourself accountable for our past mistakes and past behavior NOW.


How to cope with this? i have no clue. i feel like suppressing it trough watching tv and playing games works a bit for me. but i know that is no solution.

Personally, the most effective way I have found to deal with the negative feelings associated with guilt and remorse is to explore the rational explanations for why these feelings arise in the first place.

Why do we feel remorse? What is the true purpose of that trigger in the brain and why does it exist?

Every emotion we feel is rooted in some kind of biological, evolutionary utility. I've already written a post on what I feel is the real reason we feel remorse.

The reason I think this has been effective for me is because it has made me realise that there is something "underneath" the emotional façade upon which we tend to become fixated.

Once you realise that the emotional response is a colouring of a deeper rooted biological utility, you become less fixated on the pain of the emotion itself and more on the actual message your brain is trying to send to your nervous system. It's usually a warning, and there's every reason to feel grateful for that warning and in awe of how your brain deals with these things.

While it's tempting for humans to romanticise and dress up their emotions, they are actually the products of a complex system of internal regulation. See guilt as a type of pain response (which is ultimately what it is) and then ask yourself what the function of that pain response is, to the same degree you understand (I hope!) why you feel pain when you place your hand over a flame.

The only way out of this emotional hell hole is reason and rational inquiry. The answers to why you suffer are much deeper and more primal than we perhaps give them credit for. It's a gift from nature and your ancestors, if only you would accept it for what it is.

Read more science books.

Thanks guys for your responses, I like seeing how others go about this stuff as well.

I just can't seem to get over what the public might think of this. And if It was possible for me to ever forgive myself. I try to do things like video games as you said but keep thinking I don't deserve it.anything that has a remote amount of happiness to it, I don't approach. I feel even unworthy of life itself. Feels as though I'm not even worthy or deserve to move on with my life. I don't know if I'm thinking about this with a bias or if I'm speaking like the public would speak to me. I compare my self with a lot of others such as Josh Duggar and I see that as a fair assumption. I don't know if that's rational or not. I just want to know what the public or the average person would think of my situation. Do I deserve to even have an ounce of happiness. I hate even doing things that may seem joyful in front of others because I feel they would think I am just forgetting about what happened, in reality it's very much the opposite. This relentlessly pursues me all day, every day. I'm talking with my therapist but he can't get through to me, which is my fault I'm sure. I don't even know how others may look at my situation. I try to put someone else in my shoes but still have a huge bias against myself. I just don't know how to go about this. I'm lost.

If you want to know where this comes from, it's from my other post/topic called: I think this is the end, I can't bare the guilt anymore.

I'd appreciate if someone could evaluate it from a average persons point of view. Thanks, so much.

There is a difference between what people THINK about you and the person you ARE.

Even if people did get annoyed at the thought of you enjoying life and playing video games, their attention will soon be diverted to more pressing matters - themselves, their family... fixing the car, paying the bills, keeping the boss happy.

People don't spend a lot of time thinking about what other people "deserve". They have more important things to think about.

Whether you move on with your life or not, how much pleasure you experience, is of little concern to the general public in the scheme of things.

I can see that, Epiphany. But the time others do think about me or the situation I was in, affects me greatly. And I (try to)understand its not as big of a deal to them as it is to me. Honestly if I resolved this I'd probably think of something else, which definitely indicates some mental problem within me. But if the public didn't have such a heavy view on this kind of stuff I think it would be easier, to move on. its a view I share as well, but not toward children who do weird stuff at a young age. I even remember a story of a 15 year old kid was killed by his father for doing something to his 3 year old sister-that scares me. Does it matter that I was younger somewhere between 7-11? Maybe abused the time I did it around 10-11, or out of curiosity at 7-9? I'm completely fuzzy on what age I did it. I'd feel even worse(if even possible) if I did it before I was abused. I can literally feel the hate sometimes.

I can't even touch my own abuse situation with any emotion. Maybe because I'm stuck on this? Maybe because how I feel it affected me? I know what was done to me was way, way worse and consistent. but the emotional impact seem the same to me.

Whenever I see victims speak, for instance Josh Duggars sisters upsets me. Even though I was younger, and was abused myself. I'm unable to get past my past. It's hard understanding why I did it when all I have is a mental picture, and no dialogue or emotions attached. All I can do is compare with other stories because mine isn't very similar to others. Then I get mental pictures in my head of other weird sexual stuff I did with my nearly 1 year younger brother and 1 year older female cousin. I honestly believe these 2 things happened after I was abused, but that feels like an excuse. How should I go about understanding this?

I can't even get across to myself that I was a victim, and repeatedly abused way, way worse than what I did. I feel that's an easy out. It's as though I'm talking of a completely alien person to me now.

I haven't discovered any coping mechanics useful, which only adds to the fire and me reaffirming that I deserve this constant cloud of guilt. I'm just completely lost and looking for an Average Persons opinion on my story. How should I go about understanding my situation and how others would see it?