So much guilt from bullying my dog

I am so full with guilt and shame right now, i wish i would not be on this planet.
I used to be abused as a child by my mother, either mentally and physical.
this messed me up a lot when i was a kid, and was taken away from her when i was 8 together with my little brother who was 4.
I got to a new school. Which was actually new for me in all ways because my mother never brought me to school. so i missed school from my 5th till my 10th i think. and i was way behind other kids at school. educational and social.
I became a troublesome kid, who bullied a lot and was very confused. i began pulling out my eye leashes and ate them. also started pulling hair from my head, and did not knew that was wrong. I had all those kinds of strange habits which now i know are ridiculous.
I had almost no friends at school, and except from being a bully i was a very scared kid also, and always thought people would wanna hit me for no reason.
I created this fantasy world, where i thought everyone and everything on this planet existed because of me, that everything was here to be a part of my life, as if i was the only REAL person alive and everything else was fake. I really dont know why i had these crazy thoughts and fantasies, but i did.
the older i got the more i began to see the real world, but the pain and confusion still were there.
I bullied kids on high school, but also got bullied by other kids.
When i became older i joined the military and went to afghanistan. i had a very rough tour and came back with ptsd, and got treated for that.
On top of that my stepmother became sick 2 years ago (lung cancer).
and i became a bit down. in the meanwhile i had a gf. and we lived together, we were engaged.
But i was starting to become a mess inside my head, and made a mistake one night at a bar and kissed another girl. i felt EXTREMELY guilty, and eventually confessed it to my gf. she was very upset but decided she wanted to stay with me, and we still got married a couple of months later.
the marriage was a bit of sweet and sour because my stepmother died a month before our marriage, and my father decided to not come due to some family issues. so i felt abandoned. The idea that both my biological parents still lived but neither of them came to my marriage due to (my mother who abused me) and my father who did not come due to his personal issues with other family members was very hurtful to me.
For the 10000th time i felt left alone.
Ever since the thing with the other girl happened (kiss) and my stepmother(s) sickness combined with my messed up mental state due to my childhood i became severely depressed with serious suicidal thoughts. i was SO DEPRESSED at my own wedding i felt guilty towards everyone who came.
Ever since this guilt / depression kicked in i feel guilty for all my sins i ever had. i feel like i am responsible for all my mistakes (and i am). but i dont know how to forgive myself. i know i am a changed person right now. i became very sensitive and caring, and have a lot of empathy towards others.
I started thinking about all the wrongs i did. and one of them which controls my life right now is how i mistreated my dog. not like kicking and punching. but i used to pull the leash very hard until he gagged, one night he choked on a piece of bone and he kept trying to swallow it, so i kinda sorta choked him so the bone would not go any further, and it worked it got out. but somehow ever since i became fascinated with him gagging on food, and so some times i would sort of choke him until he gagged and then i let go, i found it funny..... but afterwards i always felt very guilty. Another time i was walking him, and i wondered if he could swim, so i sorta got him half in the water and he started peddling very hard, i started to laugh but did not let him go under water and took him out real quick.
And then there is another thing, always when i was busy cooking in the kitchen he would come sid besides of me and beg for food. so i got tired from it and threw some grounded black pepper at him. at that made him sneeze and squeezed his eyes. this to i have done multiple times. sure there are other things i did to bully him but right now am so ashamed. why would i do that?

i love(d) the dog very much. but had these weird tendencies of bullying it sometimes..... am i sick?

the dog died last year due to his age (15)
but had already been with another family member since 2 years ago, due to allergic reactions from my wife.
i wish i could just see the dog one more time and hug and cuddle him, and apologize. i cry everyday for him. i feel his pain, i know how scared he sometimes must have been, because i was like that exactly as a kid.
1 year ago i got 2 kittens and i love em to death. would never hurt em. they are like my baby's. but that makes me so sad, because i wish i could have given that to the dog if he were here right now.
dont mistake me i did a lot of nice things with the dog as well, gave him a lot of nice stuff. cuddled with him talked with him. layed together on the couch and all that kind of stuff. but i also mistreated him

Is that a sick persons mind?
I feel like i am not worth living, and others would be better off if i was dead.

i didn't read the whole post, i read the beginning, but i was like this too

babybowrain wrote:i didn't read the whole post, i read the beginning, but i was like this too

Then hoe die you forgive yourself andere moved on?

Everytime i see a dof. Or hear about them i deel extremely sad andere guilty.

Like flashbacks all the time

Dogs don't hold understand things in the same way as humans and so it is a slightly different question of "forgiveness" than if you had harmed another human. Of course, your dog has passed away and so you can't directly "make it up" to him in particular... and I don't know if the idea would make complete sense anyway. Your dog may well not have comprehended that you were choking him and it would be hard for me to say without knowing whether he was "traumatised" or not.

Animal abuse is serious, though I think it is an issue that society is weirdly hypocritical about. Far worse things happen in slaughterhouses than what you did to your dog, but people learn to turn a blind eye. This is not an excuse, but I think that it is worth remembering when people talk in harsh or vengeful tones. In many ways, your behaviour is not an anomaly.

Personally speaking, I think that the best thing you can do is to donate regularly to animal charities or adopt an abused dog and be really sure you treat him better than your last dog.

In some ways your case reminds me of the film Tyrannosaur, which is a difficult watch, but shows that someone who has mistreated their dog can become a compassionate member of his society, standing up against worse bullies and supporting those more vulnerable than himself.