Another story of child hood sexual experimentation...

There are many posts here about similar situation which has prompted me to post.

I can't remember the precise age, but I was somewhere between 11 and 14; I would guess around 12. I sexually experimented with my friend who was 4 years and 7 months younger than myself. I can't remember how it began or how many times it happened, but it was multiple times over the course of a year or so. I have trouble remembering the specifics of the situation, but I do remember roughly what was done. There was some mutual masturbation in which we would also touch each others genitals and some oral experimentation. I don't remember there ever being any penetration but I do remember that we would play a game where we sat on each others laps and he also requested one time that I place my penis on his anus.

At the time I never realized I was doing anything wrong, and in fact didn't give it a second thought until I was around 19 years of age (currently 23).

Even though it was mutual, none-abusive or coercive, I still feel that I should have known better being the elder child and I am now drowning in guilt and a feeling that I don't deserve to live, and certainly I don't deserve happiness.

I have never done anything else of this nature since, having my first girlfriend at 15 and leading a relatively healthy relationship for multiple years. I did however experiment with a younger friend a few years prior who was roughly the same age as me within a year or 2, but that was a lot less adult, being mostly kissing and touching penises.

I have had councilling and medication and have spoken to many people about this, including friends, family and a couple of charitable organizations that deal with abuse, but nothing seems to be working. I am too afraid to end my life as I know my family with be distraught, but I am also finding it increasingly difficult to cope with the situation.

Any advice that can be given to me would be appreciated greatly. Thank you.

Sorry you feel this way. Perhaps it could be a manifestation of OCD? Anyway , have you tried to contact this person? You may find him to be an equally well adjusted individual which might alleviate the distress you are feeling. I wouldnt beat yourself up too much abut it though , you are sorry and that is enough. Go in peace brother , any who ask shall receive, and you are forgiven.

I have tried to contact him about it in the past, unfortunately, only through a social network. He accepted my friend request but later blocked me when I tried to bring up the subject. I take some solace in that he accepted my request in the first place. My doctor has sent me for some CBT but it has a waiting list of a few months, hopefully it will help.

I think (and hope!) that the CBT will work please stick with it!

Did the abuse charities / organisations tell you not to beat yourself up too much about this? You were a child and it doesn't sound like there was manipulation.

sprock wrote:Did the abuse charities / organisations tell you not to beat yourself up too much about this?

Pretty much. They told me that as long as there was no force or coercion I have little to worry about. It felt like they were grilling me at first asking me a lot of question that made me uncomfortable like whether or not I watch adult material now that I'm older and If I am attracted to younger people.

A lot of my depression stemmed from fear, and I know this, so at least I have something to focus on.

Thanks for the kind words!

No worries - I hope they helped a little!

Abuse charities know what they're on about. They work with this stuff every day and take it extremely seriously. Since they decided that what you did was not abusive and there was no need for legal action, I would trust their judgement.

definitely nothing to feel suicidal about. not at all. Its not a big deal. you were a kid yourself.