I can't live with this guilt any longer...

(Sorry for all the submissions this one is the last, it has some updated info thanks)

When I was around 6 or 7 years old I was watching a movie with my parents, the movie was WAY to inappropriate for my age, (It had a sex scene) BUT my parents assumed it would do no harm. After the movie I then proceeded to use my ipod, and got curious. In safari I looked up "Naked Girls", from then on porn was like television for me. Every night I would watch and watch, not feeling lust, just fascination. By the time I turned nine I had a full blown porn addiction, and I didn't even realize because I masturbated so frequently. I discovered some messed up stuff like hentai and bestiality. My life was f***ed up and I didn't even realize it. My family was also VERY close. I took showers with my little brothers as I started to hit puberty. I didn't want to but my parents insisted i did. I don't remember when it all started but I have a vague memory of asking my brother to sit on my lap, but before he did my dad asked me to stand up, but my erection was gone before anything happened. I know for a FACT I never did anal penetration with them but I have several memory's of oral. I was never attracted to them, I'm straight but the pure curiosity of what the porn stars were screaming of pleasure about is what got me to ask them. I never hurt them, because I love them. I never knew what I was doing could hurt them, I never knew what I was doing was morally wrong. In fifth grade my little brother told on me, and I managed to convince my parents that he was lieing. And a year later I continued to do it. I got caught when I was 11. My dad beat me up and my mom cried, and two months later my dad died. I began to realize the error of my ways as the years went on, and on my 13th birthday when I was playing with my brothers the guilt and remorse hit me. I threw up all night, I didn't know what to do. I couldn't sleep and spent weeks and weeks just saying sorry to my brothers, I spoke to my mom and she said what I did is surprisingly normal. I've stopped watching porn but this guilt is keeping me from living, I love them more than life in its self. Why did I do it again AFTER I got caught the first time? What will happen if I get married and have kids and then they remember? What if they are mentally damaged? Those are the questions pushing me over the edge, I'm sorry if the words and numbers are all jumbled. I can't even remember how many times I did it, and that's even worse. My little brother (8) and I had a conversation. I told him what I did and apologized, he said it was okay. But it's not. I know it's not. I can't live with this guilt much longer.

Please try to accept your brother's apology. It sounds like your parents didn't create the most appropriate environment for you to grow up in and it messed up your sense of boundaries and sexual development. While I don't think porn is wrong in-and-of itself, I think young kids being exposed to it can have very damaging effects. You were a really young child and you can heal from this and forgive yourself. After all, if you victim has forgiven you, you are the only one left who needs to forgive.