re: Drowning in guilt

So I made a post a few weeks ago about something I did when I was 11-13.
For a little while I felt "relieved" of my guilt but now I read a lot about juvenile sex offenders and now I feel that what I did was a legitimate crime!

(Possible trigger warning)
For those who don't know, when I was somewhere from 12-13, while my niece (who was 3-4 at the time) were playing and I thought it would be funny to flash her my bare butt, and then my genitals. I didn't do this with sexual intent and I never did it again. I'm not entirely sure if she saw what happened and she just laughed.

I'm 21 now and she will be turning 13 in September.
I don't think she remembers because she is a normal kid and interacts with me totally fine. She has a social life, a sense of humor and she is intelligent. She can be a little rebellious at times though.

I'm horrified at the possibility of having hurt her or anyone else and I would rather tear my eyeballs out and set myself on fire than do anything sexual to a child.

I read that something like that can be considered sexual abuse and it makes me sick that I would do something like that. I don't know how I can live with myself now.

I would tell my mom about it but I can only imagine that doing more harm than good. If my niece truly doesn't remember, wouldn't realizing that I did that cause her pain or distress?

-- Sun Jun 21, 2015 1:29 am --

God, I feel like an absolute monster! Why would I do something like this?! I feel so guilty I wish I could tear out my own eyes! I'm horrified with myself I don't know how much longer I can bare this guilt

I still feel strongly that what you did was not a sexual crime - nudity is not inherently sexual, certainly not when the person choosing to be naked is a young child. You are not a molester or abuser. What you did is **nothing** like what Josh Duggar did. You know your intent was not sexual and there was no contact so I genuinely think it wouldn't have been disturbing, traumatic and I honestly believe you should calm yourself down and be feel hard on yourself about this. Please please. And I mean that in all honesty.

Have you thought about therapy about this? You really aren't a monster!

You are clearly experiencing very strong emotions about all this, but you do need to calm down and seek some perspective.

When I used to use the toilet while my dad was taking a bath, should he feel guilty that I saw his genitals and butt?

Much to the embarrassment of my sister (if I ever brought it up!), I'm pretty sure I saw her genitals when she was around 10 or 11. I don't know why she was walking around naked, and perhaps she shouldn't have been at that age, but that it could be called harmful is too strong a word.

Children don't discern nudity in the way we adults do. Just because you flashed, doesn't mean your niece will have processed it as a sexual advance. I'm pretty sure she won't remember it anyway and, even if she does, it's unlikely that she will care.

Relax!

Thank you both very very much for your replies. I scheduled an appointment witb my therapist for the 13th. I know it's not a long wait, but I'm desperate to talk to a professional about this. What can I do to keep myself above water level until then?

Great to hear you're seeking professional help for this. I'm sure it will prove most valuable.

In the meantime, try and channel that negative energy into something productive. Every time a negative thought arises, go straight to the raw feeling, without the story behind it, and you'll see that it's just a build up of energy in the body. You can then re-associate it with anything you wish in the real world.

Imagine what this world would be like if every negative thought was the catalyst for positive action. Don't give yourself the chance to spiral into self pity or hatred. As soon as you locate the source of that negative feeling in the body, acknowledge it, accept it, get up and go and do something the outcome of which you know will be valuable to yourself or others. This could be as simple as telling or showing someone you love them/care about them. It could be helping someone in need. Or it could be exploring an opportunity for the development of your own future.

From that raw feeling in your body, no matter how the mind interprets it, treat it like energy that needs releasing into the world and then explore your potential in this moment to release it in different ways.

No matter how heavy your conscience is, your brain is still wired to "reward" you for certain behaviour, and the evidence shows that helping and giving love to others is one of the most direct routes to happiness we have.

I am having negative thoughts again. I can't help but keep comparing this to what happened with Josh Duggar. Every time I start to feel a little good about myself, a voice in my head shouts "YOU EXPOSED YOURSELF TO A CHILD!" at me. I've been having suicidal thoughts. I can't tell anyone about this except therapists. Not friends, not family. I've never felt this haunted by this event before. I used to be plagued with horrible depression and social anxiety. Those were my focuses then. Now, I don't even feel like I deserve any sympathy. I feel like I belong in jail.

Hey there one step at a time ok!

How have things been going with your therapist? The fact that you have a professional outlet is tremendous. What you did back then is nothing compared to the Duggar case. Get that through your head. If you're being honest with yourself and us about having no sexual intent then you are perfectly good. What you need to wrestle with is this guilt. Do you have impulses to do anything similar? What type of remorse do you have? Do you feel like you're holding anything back? Answer them honestly and I'm sure you'll see you're a good person.

I understand the suicidal thoughts and your mind obsessing over this. You're going to take this one step at a time. Learn to grapple with what happened and come to grips with who you are now. You do deserve sympathy. You were young then and you're not who you were. Someday you may find someone you can tell this to outside your therapist such as a significant other, but for now you have to convince yourself that you're not a monster. Yes, what you did wasn't good in the technical sense, but I doubt it left any lasting scars. If you want you can apologize to her in a broad sense without necessarily bringing back any negative memories directly. Perhaps that would help to put you more at ease and to allow a good relationship between you too.

Keep posting here for an outlet if you need to. You can see that you're not alone.

Hope you're doing okay tessallate. It really was a childish prank, nothing more. Definitely wouldn't have scared your niece and you are nothing like Josh Duggar (who molested several relatives up to the age of 17 at least). Logically you know you are nothing like him so trust that rather than your obsessive feelings of distorted guilt. It'll take time but slow your brain down and know that we on this forum are with you.

It seems as if the legal definition for molestation includes exposure of genitalia. I read somewhere about a 10 year old girl who was put on the sex offender registry because she and her little brothers would flash each other.

It is unfortunately considered on yes. That example you brought up is terribly sad especially for those kids since they're so young to know any better. You were a kid when it happened and it's an extremely mild act. You're not a monster by any regards.