was accused of being a thief so ashamed TW

tw contains sexual and abuse related stuff

while travelling on train, often if the trains are crowded, if two men stare each other for a long time, it's an indication of mutual masturbation

i was abused as a kid and am sort of confused about orientation. long story short, in train i was about to give a guy a hand job when my hand pressed his mobile and he sort of looked at me and said, 'was i trying to steal his mobile?'

i backed off and felt ashamed. i have bpd and the alter ego of the child who wants to get abused is difficult. he brings me in difficult situations. i dont know how to handle him. its like he wants to put me in trouble.

i have nothing against gay sex, but the alter wants me to be submissive and it feels like a volcano on the right side of my brain. i feel so ashamed at being called a thief. another stamp on my already miserable lifestyle

That sounds humiliating, but the fact is, you know the guy was wrong about you. Holds onto the truth. Whatever he believes doesn't change the fact that you are not a thief.

But main concern is that you are maybe initiating these encounters to punish yourself? If they are mutually enjoyable and consenting there isn't so much of a problem (apart from the possibility of being seen - certainly not something to do in view of children!) But I worry that you aren't really enjoying it and that the experiences make you feel dirty. I don't believe they should, but I think you need to treat yourself with some compassion and find a safer space for yourself. All the best.

thanks for replying.

i feel like i am supposed to be a slave and serve others. i dont know why should i look after myself. it's like stockholm syndrome or something.

the therapist said that i need to look after myself in every aspect of life, like listen to songs i like, trim the nails regularly, cut the hair, shave the face.

he says i must love myself all the time n not only the time when i'm about to have sex. he said to eat food, n do stuff that makes me happy. n then eventually the urge to get abused would sort of fade away, as the urge to get punished would be replaced by the urge to be happy.

It sounds like you have a sensible therapist And you don't come across badly at all. Do you know why you feel you deserve to be punished?

i deserve to be punished cause i'd done stuff i regret.

i once tried to kiss a make out with a guy, both of us were kids n he pushed me away. i have apologized but i regret the act

i was a addicted to masturbation and porn and abuse fantasies. i've tried to touch boys inapproprately, though i'm very glad that nothing happened.

then i have tried to have gay sex with a teen n he pushed me away. i feel like some pervert at times.

i wish to hell i wasnt abused as a kid and these things wouldnt have occured. i've read about childhood patterns n other stuff but i still feel 'i dont deserve to be happy' as in i feel scared.

once i sent a flirty email to a colleague, n got reprimanded by her colleague/senior. so i feel like i've commited an act of sexual harrassment, though i apologized n she said it's all right.

i still feel ashamed of the act.

what if the guy who pushed me away when i tried to touch him, approached me now. i'd be too guilty to say anything. it feels like he owns me n so it feels like everyone owns me.

I don't think having done things you regret necessarily means youdeserve punishment! I think it's only if your actions are till hurting others that this might be the case and I think in your case you either did things you regret when you were really young or else nothing much came of what you thought about... I honestly think that you feeling of being dirty and needing to be punished comes from your childhood abuse.

thanks for replying

i guess part of healing is to realize that even the abuser had some reason for his act. i mean its like a cheetan kills a fawn cause it has to feed the young.

just accepting that we're human n moving on helps. therapist said the more you hate the abuser the more you're clinging to it.

letting it all go sort of helps. i also came up with an example like:

if you have 2 pieces of paper n both have some math problems.

one paper has white background so you can focus on the math questions.
the other paper has swear words written on it, an ugly painting, colors spread randomly. so it gets tough to focus.

the math question is the future n present while the background is the past. the more i brand the past as horrible, terrible n a host of other adjectives, the tougher it'd be more me to move on.

if i just accept it as fact and move on, like accept it, then it'd make it easier for me to focus on the math questions.

though its easier said than done. i dont know what i'm talking about. i got a mood swing while writing this post n the regret sprang back.

maybe it'll take more effort n time

thanks again for the reply

-- Fri Feb 19, 2016 10:40 am --

Yesterday I read news about 2 teenagers being accused of theft in train and the teenagers were thrashed by a mob. The teenagers were stripped and beaten with a belt as well.

I think this is what could've happened to me. I don't feel guilt but just the thought that this could've happened to me comes in my mind.

The thought is stopping me from living my life