Am i an abuser

I have a secret that i am keeping for too long even from myself i kept it until i had to face and think of it and remember it well then after dealing with it i had a mental breakdown and i am still in therapy but i didn't tell my therapist about that.
When i was kid i was very sexuallised kid there were older cousisns of my father girls who were like 23 or 24 years old who tought me french kiss and it happened many times and i was 9 years and liked it but i was ashamed of it at the same time ,i even watched erotic movies with them but the thing that bothers me most is that when i was 13 i watched a lot of porn and once i took the hand of my 3 old sister and wanted to touch my boobs but i didn't force it and stoped it and it never happened again ...i told muself then that i should commit suicide because i abused my sister just thinking of engaging her in something sexuall ,i tried to forget it but it is always on my mind that i abused her ,i am still on mediction and i did everything i could to repay to my sister i took care of her i would die for her...she doesnt remember or maybe she does and won't say a thing ,i don't know but from then i hate myself and i feel i don't deserve happiness in life ...

From what you describe your actions would definitely not seem like abuse to me. Don't worry!

No, you are not an abuser because it only happened one time, you were thirteen years old and you deeply regret it. It appears that no harm has occurred to your sister from it. Really what you describe just sounds very much like a silly but inappropriate mistake by a young adolescent. Try to forget it, perhaps give some money to a charity that helps abused children to ease your conscience. Focus on the future of being a positive person to other people AND yourself and leave the past in the past.

Agreed with the above. It sounds like you were abused yourself by adults much older than yourself. You were still a child and what you did was inappropriate, but not so terrible - it sounds like it came from curiosity and confusion rather than sexual desire or manipulation. I honestly do not believe the incident would have been traumatic for your sister and I hope you are able to have a good relationship with her today. Please do not commit suicide. It is not necessary and you do not deserve that. You aren't an abuser or perpetrator.