I think this is the end, I cant bare the guilt anymore

Wow, even thinking about it more I'm fairly positive I touched myself whilst doing the things to my older sister. I feel so low and a lost cause. Just all these things aren't normal and I'm not sure why I done them.

I really don't feel like I'm ever going to get over this. I don't think it's an issue of medication. Maybe this is just the way I should feel after all of this.

-- Mon Aug 10, 2015 9:19 pm --

I think about this all day everyday but as of the past few weeks I'm getting physically Ill, and about to lose my job, and I really don't care.

I really, really don't want to be here anymore. There is NO happiness.

Sorry for sounding so dark, but that's the truth. I can't go on feeling this way much longer.

You probably did not touch yourself while doing the things with your older sister. You said that after thinking about it more you became fairly positive of it. If you had actually touched yourself, you would have been sure of it without having to think about it.

I'm fairly sure I did.

A huge problem for me is that I don't know how old I was when I did those things. I obsess about it and dig through memories, yet I can't remember how old I was. All of the things I've done are from a age range of 7-12. Yet I'm still unsure and scared. I just wish I knew how old I was.

Heartfullofguilt2 wrote:I'm fairly sure I did.

A huge problem for me is that I don't know how old I was when I did those things. I obsess about it and dig through memories, yet I can't remember how old I was. All of the things I've done are from a age range of 7-12. Yet I'm still unsure and scared. I just wish I knew how old I was.

Have you discussed this with your sister yet? The events that haunt you?

Zonofo wrote:

Heartfullofguilt2 wrote:I'm fairly sure I did.

A huge problem for me is that I don't know how old I was when I did those things. I obsess about it and dig through memories, yet I can't remember how old I was. All of the things I've done are from a age range of 7-12. Yet I'm still unsure and scared. I just wish I knew how old I was.

Have you discussed this with your sister yet? The events that haunt you?

Which one? Either way yes. My younger sister I've talked about it a few times. My older sister just once, maybe she thought I was kidding. And there is my brother; which I've told him aswell. As for my cousin, I've never spoken about it. Maybe I don't feel I need to because it was mutual and she was older than me. But yeah it's confusing. I wish I knew how old I was though.

It's just draining and relentless. I wish I knew if I could move on, or if I even can.

Heartfullofguilt2 wrote:

Zonofo wrote:

Heartfullofguilt2 wrote:I'm fairly sure I did.

A huge problem for me is that I don't know how old I was when I did those things. I obsess about it and dig through memories, yet I can't remember how old I was. All of the things I've done are from a age range of 7-12. Yet I'm still unsure and scared. I just wish I knew how old I was.

Have you discussed this with your sister yet? The events that haunt you?

Which one? Either way yes. My younger sister I've talked about it a few times. My older sister just once, maybe she thought I was kidding. And there is my brother; which I've told him aswell. As for my cousin, I've never spoken about it. Maybe I don't feel I need to because it was mutual and she was older than me. But yeah it's confusing. I wish I knew how old I was though.

It's just draining and relentless. I wish I knew if I could move on, or if I even can.

Hey friend,

I have seen you post here again and again. You are hurting. I understand that. However, the only one that will tell you if you can move on, is yourself. If you do not want to move on, you will stay in the eternal spiral you are in. Only you can make the decision.

I want to move on, but feel its selfish. And I feel undeserving. The things I've done are so wierd and odd. I don't think anyone can relate.

I feel the average person would hate me, therefore there is no point forgiving myself because no one else would.

Heartfullofguilt2 wrote:I want to move on, but feel its selfish. And I feel undeserving. The things I've done are so wierd and odd. I don't think anyone can relate.

I feel the average person would hate me, therefore there is no point forgiving myself because no one else would.

Then that is the issue right there. If you feel you are not deserving of forgiveness, you will forever be in pain. The only one who can free you, is you.

Thanks Zonofo, I know it's me holding me back but I feel like I'm hated. If the public were to hear of it I don't think they'd want me to forgive myself. Therefore I don't, because I base my actions off society. And I think id be hated for this and they wouldn't want me to move on. That's why I'm here soaking in shame and disgust. I think it's selfish of me to move on and forget.

I just don't know what to so about it. I can't make society think differently about it. I hate this and myself. I'm lost on how to feel, and don't know what I should do. The public wouldn't want me to move on.

Heartfullofguilt2 wrote:Thanks Zonofo, I know it's me holding me back but I feel like I'm hated. If the public were to hear of it I don't think they'd want me to forgive myself. Therefore I don't, because I base my actions off society. And I think id be hated for this and they wouldn't want me to move on. That's why I'm here soaking in shame and disgust. I think it's selfish of me to move on and forget.

I just don't know what to so about it. I can't make society think differently about it. I hate this and myself. I'm lost on how to feel, and don't know what I should do. The public wouldn't want me to move on.

I'm sorry to tell you this but if that is what you believe my friend, that will be your reality. You have gone in circles for the past few posts of your thread, and the pain that you must be feeling at the minute is immense. However, it will only get worse the longer you allow yourself to be stuck in this mindset. Theres nothing we here on the forums can do for you at this point, only you can change your future.