I think this is the end, I cant bare the guilt anymore

by **Heartfullofguilt2** » Sun Aug 02, 2015 9:47 am

Zonofo wrote:
Heartfullofguilt2 wrote:Thanks Zonofo, I understand where you are coming from and think you are more than likely correct. I just read lots of articles and connect the dots which isn't really fair. I mean I read the Duggar thing and the comments, then take all of it personal, which I still think is a valid thing to do...

I do have both a psychiatrist and therapist, but its weeks before I get back in. I just take everything my therapists tells me and through it away because I feel I dont deserve to get better, which is what he did accurately tell me before.

I think I feel about myself how the public would feel me, which is why I look at the Duggar stuff to validate, and say "see I knew I should be feeling this way". I think I'd be in the same boat and everyone would hate me for reasons like that... I don't know. I don't know if this is correct thinking or I'm just completely disconnected with reality.

-- Fri Jul 31, 2015 7:10 pm --

Also, everytime I try to do something mundane or relatively enjoyable I get this feeling of "How could you feel happiness over what you have done? If people knew they would hate you". I don't know what that means but I feel that constantly.

I had HOCD when i was younger(around 12-15), and the amount of checking I did during those days were ridiculous. Constantly checking the internet, looking at porn all the time to get a "reaction", reading articles on how men found out they were gay. I was obsessed with the idea of my sexuality and If i was gay or not. I stopped enjoying things in general and sunk into depression for a few months during that time(I don't like to use the term depressed loosely, but I was indeed depressed during that time. my desire to eat and involve myself with people had dropped dramatically, and going to school at the time was a nightmare.)

Long story short, I understand the hell OCD can put you through(I still fight with it today.) But i never went with a therapist to resolve my issue. the best cure is accepting your actions and understanding certain things were out of your control and education at the time(considering you were very young when this incident happened.) What really helped me when I was younger was getting involved with martial arts and trying to go out and meet friends as much as possible(not to a unhealthy extent, but ya know.) OCD number one enemy is productivity. The more you are idle and able to be stuck in your own mind, your own mind will destroy you.

I understand the feeling of not deserving to enjoy something, but again, this is a matter of self-forgiveness and understanding no one really lives a perfect life. You came here for support and understanding, and the community has given great responses, but now it honestly comes down to you. Not a therapist, or anyone else. You have to give yourself forgiveness. Only you can better your own life.

By looking at Duggar articles over and over again and constantly running the events through your head you are giving yourself more harm then you ever deserve. Long story short, you shouldn't validate yourself anymore, as its reaching unhealthy levels. You should live, and live beyond your error.

Thanks, I truly appreciate the support.

I understand my issue, which is "the publics view" and I think I chose the Duggar thing because I feel like those comments could be flung back at me. I don't know how to think about this other than correlate it with others. I just feel I'd be hated, based on the Duggar thing. maybe its far-fetched to think that. Clearly I don't know. I seriously appreciate the support but I feel if someone in the real world had heard this it'd be different, based on the fact that this site is very supportive, unlike the real world.

Also I feel awkward going back to normal with my family. I've made it a "big deal" they say, when it isn't.

2 things: Public View and Reintegrating back to normal.

I honestly don't feel I'm blowing this out of proportion but others have said otherwise.

-- Sun Aug 02, 2015 3:50 am --

souvlakispacestation wrote:Mate, you were 10.

No one in their right mind who would judge you by these actions now, especially given the massive amount of remorse and guilt you've shown. You were literally a child, and yeah what you did was pretty weird, but you can't let something like this destroy your life.

Thank you. But that's just it, I don't know how old I was. anywhere from 8-11 maybe even 12 but doubt. Perhaps that adds fuel to the fire; that it may be unresolvable because my memory is so mushy around the age. My memory is so flimsy that I don't even remember doing the action, just that I feel I've done it. I'm 95% sure.

You don't have to tell people you barley know about the incident. I wouldn't worry about the public. And again, you were 8-12 year old. No one can even consent at the age legally. I would say at this stage you are consuming yourself with guilt and "blowing it out of proportion". I think my biggest concern for you at the minute is using this site as a crutch for support, rather then confronting the real world. This site is a great community, and we all seek self-improvement and amends for our errors in the past. But from what I see, you are unable to forgive yourself, and you see these kind words and want to keep coming back to them because your afraid of not being accepted in your physical reality. This is concerning, because from what I understand you are scared to face reality with your guilt consuming you.

If you feel you are unable to socialize with people normally, that is coming down to the guilt consuming you. The biggest thing I can recommend is you finding the power to forgive yourself. you are capable of it. And you do not deserve the hell you are shutting yourself in.

Also, stop looking at Duggar articles! That will only let yourself be consumed even further. You were a child, and Duggar was a predator that knew exactly what he was doing and how he was going to hurt these children.

I still advise for you to shut off the internet connection, and let yourself be free of your google search curiosity that is hurting you.

by **Heartfullofguilt2** » Mon Aug 03, 2015 3:19 am

I really appreciate it Zonofo, but as for not caring what the public think, I cannot not care. I just wanted to know how I'd be labeled of I was of some status. And looking at the duggar thing may be a little off, but that's my only validation of the publics critique. I just want to know how the majority would feel If I was in the same celebrity status, I understand how bloated it sounds. But I truly care about the public view.

by **Zonofo** » Mon Aug 03, 2015 3:47 am

Okay. Lets imagine you were of the same status. News came out that this event happened when you were a child. First off, no one would view you like a monster like Duggar, who was obviously very much in control of his actions and understood the evil in his actions. A 8-12 year old to the public is something that can not do much wrong. Not even with murder. That is the society we live in. If news came out all over the world that this had happened in your past, no one would believe you were evil or look down upon you. Would they think it would be weird? Well yes. it obviously was an inappropriate action, and wasn't in the realm of normality. However, no one would even imagine you were a monster, you were simply too young.

The Duggar articles in themselves are not a good way to relate to how you would be perceived, there is far too much of a age gap and legal responsibility.

if you cant stop yourself from searching and are still stuck in a infinite loop of searching and guilt, I would recommend getting prescribed to medicine that could help you recover and give you strength to function.

by **Heartfullofguilt2** » Mon Aug 03, 2015 11:23 pm

Seems so unresolvable because I don't know how old I was

-- Mon Aug 03, 2015 8:07 pm --

Also for some reason I keep thinking about, what if my sis gets a bf in the future and wants to beat me up or something. I know that sounds stupid, and I know she doesn't remember or care. It's just one of many things I think about.

-- Mon Aug 03, 2015 9:41 pm --

Reading back on this, I understand that lots of the things I say are very strange or repeated. But I don't know what to do. I don't know whats wrong with me, or if I should feel this way. Which sucks because feelings are a lot stronger than thoughts. Anyway thanks.

-- Tue Aug 04, 2015 9:51 pm --

These thoughts sound strange but I'm trying to be completely honest and tell them, even if they are ludicrous. I also get worried hearing stories of people like Killing Pedophiles. I'm just scared I guess, maybe that could be me? I don't know, surely this sound dumb but I'm beefing honest.

I'll stop venting now... Anyways what do you think about all of these things specifically? Thanks.

by **Zonofo** » Fri Aug 07, 2015 8:19 am

Heartfullofguilt2 wrote:Seems so unresolvable because I don't know how old I was

-- Mon Aug 03, 2015 8:07 pm --

Also for some reason I keep thinking about, what if my sis gets a bf in the future and wants to beat me up or something. I know that sounds stupid, and I know she doesn't remember or care. It's just one of many things I think about.

-- Mon Aug 03, 2015 9:41 pm --

Reading back on this, I understand that lots of the things I say are very strange or repeated. But I don't know what to do. I don't know whats wrong with me, or if I should feel this way. Which sucks because feelings are a lot stronger than thoughts. Anyway thanks.

-- Tue Aug 04, 2015 9:51 pm --

These thoughts sound strange but I'm trying to be completely honest and tell them, even if they are ludicrous. I also get worried hearing stories of people like Killing Pedophiles. I'm just scared I guess, maybe that could be me? I don't know, surely this sound dumb but I'm beefing honest.

I'll stop venting now... Anyways what do you think about all of these things specifically? Thanks.

You are stuck in a cycle of rationalizing. You need to find a way to silence your mind at least temporarily and live life to the best of your ability. You are letting guilt hinder your ability to live. You deserve to live a prosperous life.

Please, feel better with yourself. You deserve too.

by **Heartfullofguilt2** » Sat Aug 08, 2015 6:38 am

Yeah I believe i'm stuck in this rationalization circle, but it seems so rational the way I'm thinking. Of course I don't know what every person would think of me but I always assume the worst. I believe I think I feel worse about it because I', unsure how old I was or to the reason why. I was anywhere from 8-11 I sincerely doubt 12. I really think I was 9 or 10, but there is extreme uncertainty. It's all an extremely puzzled and vague memory. I DO NOT KNOW WHAT TO DO.

I've spoken about this earlier in the thread but I had a older cousin( a year older) and we did stuff together maybe a little after, still unsure. But know I feel bad about that too. Even though I was younger and it was a game (truth or dare), I feel I initiated it. What if she freaks out about it in the future?

Even the thing with my brother who is almost a year younger than I( I put my Genitals on his mouth while he was asleep), keep in mind me and him were constantly experimenting with each other at this time. But still while he was sleeping is wierding me out. I did actually tell him about it but seemed he didn't care.

Now I also remember kissing my other sisters butt while she was asleep too(clothed). She is 4 years older than I. I told her about it too.

I just don't know what to do with all of this stuff, and by blaming it on what happened to me seems so unfair. I feel the only way to get rid of these thoughts is to rid the world of me. I know none of them are affected, but I feel the world would hate me for these things. If I get over 1 of these things I'll focus on another. I just feel the hate is waiting for me when I get normal or try to be normal. I know Ill be hated.

-- Sat Aug 08, 2015 1:23 am --

This things seem to me they'd be alien to others. I feel I'll never get over these things, maybe I deserve this... I don't know.

by **Zonofo** » Sun Aug 09, 2015 9:07 am

Heartfullofguilt2 wrote:Yeah I believe i'm stuck in this rationalization circle, but it seems so rational the way I'm thinking. Of course I don't know what every person would think of me but I always assume the worst. I believe I think I feel worse about it because I', unsure how old I was or to the reason why. I was anywhere from 8-11 I sincerely doubt 12. I really think I was 9 or 10, but there is extreme uncertainty. It's all an extremely puzzled and vague memory. I DO NOT KNOW WHAT TO DO.

I've spoken about this earlier in the thread but I had a older cousin( a year older) and we did stuff together maybe a little after, still unsure. But know I feel bad about that too. Even though I was younger and it was a game (truth or dare), I feel I initiated it. What if she freaks out about it in the future?

Even the thing with my brother who is almost a year younger than I( I put my Genitals on his mouth while he was asleep), keep in mind me and him were constantly experimenting with each other at this time. But still while he was sleeping is wierding me out. I did actually tell him about it but seemed he didn't care.

Now I also remember kissing my other sisters butt while she was asleep too(clothed). She is 4 years older than I. I told her about it too.

I just don't know what to do with all of this stuff, and by blaming it on what happened to me seems so unfair. I feel the only way to get rid of these thoughts is to rid the world of me. I know none of them are affected, but I feel the world would hate me for these things. If I get over 1 of these things I'll focus on another. I just feel the hate is waiting for me when I get normal or try to be normal. I know Ill be hated.

-- Sat Aug 08, 2015 1:23 am --

This things seem to me they'd be alien to others. I feel I'll never get over these things, maybe I deserve this... I don't know.

Friend, I urge you to avoid using the internet and focus on work or school or whatever you can do to force yourself to be productive for the next few weeks. You are in a very unhealthy and dangerous mental state that is only hindering you. It seems you are keeping yourself in a situation that is letting your OCD blossom. This is very dangerous. Please I urge you to find professional help and to keep yourself busy. You do not deserve this pain.

by **Heartfullofguilt2** » Sun Aug 09, 2015 11:36 am

I guess I feel the state I'm in is just. I'm trying to live life as others would want me to, or I'd think they would. Which is highly reclusive and unsociable, not even with my family. I think me out-casting myself is a good thing for everybody. I only care what people think. I mean what would people think if they heard all those stories I typed above?

I feel all I hear from my therapists is rosy thoughts.

by **helpfulone1** » Mon Aug 10, 2015 11:45 pm

Are you on any medications? Maybe it's time to see a psychiatrist for something because your guilt is way out of proportion to your actions.

Edited to add: I re-read your first post and see you are on medication.

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