I think this is the end, I cant bare the guilt anymore

s-ss, oh dear! I did the same thing and lost my reply because I was asked to login again when I pressed "submit".

I will try and re-gather my thoughts later. This is exhausting. I wish the login period could be lengthened.

Come to think of it, I remember also doing what I done with my sister, to my older cousin through truth or dare. Now that's 3 separate instances around roughly the same period.

I'm not quite sure what to make of all of these things. Can I forgive myself for all and truly move on?

I know it's a lot to ask over a forum and is hard not knowing me personally. It's just that I've dealt with this remorse for over half my life now(I'm 21) and it's reached the pinnacle of distraught. So much so that my mother and grandmother asked if I'd want to be hospitalized, heh. Is this truly as messed up as I think it is? And should I stop comparing myself with other similar stories?

I wonder how I should even go about how I feel towards these events.

Am I truly blowing this way out of proportion? If not there is something wrong with my thinking.

My therapist has given me tools to work on my thinking and dealing with this stuff. He and I both came to the conclusion that I don't even want to try because they might work and I feel I don't deserve to just forget and move on. Maybe I am blowing this way out of proportion.... Am I?

-- Thu Jun 25, 2015 4:03 am --

Also I want to point out that, I think I view how the public would view my situation. I'm unsure if that's a fair assumption.

I mean look at Duggar. It doesn't matter if hes in the limelight or famous and has odd views. I feel like I could be compared with him. Which horrifies me, deeply. I just want to understand how the general population may see this. It's hard to look at it without a bias against myself, but I believe I can be compared. Is 14 or 15 years old really that different than 10? And does it truly matter that I was sexually abused? I mean... I don't know what/how to think about my situation from another ones viewpoint.

-- Thu Jun 25, 2015 9:33 pm --

The more and more I think about what I've done the stranger it feels. Who puts their genitals in there sleeping brothers mouth? That's so wierd to me? That's sounds highly uncommon. And who performs oral on their sister when there around 10 and she's around 4? I don't believe what happened to me would provoke me to do such things. It's extremely odd and scary that I've done this as a kid. This isn't normal/common I don't think.

Sorry for adding even more questions into the pile.

I'm in a dark place and see no light. In the end, after all the things I done, maybe I diserve this inner torment. It doesn't matter if they don't know or care about it. I remember and this is hard to cope with.

Thanks.

-- Thu Jun 25, 2015 9:40 pm --

Putting my genitals in my sleeping brothers mouth and licking my little sisters butt.... How strange

2 things I can't move on from...

-- Thu Jun 25, 2015 11:01 pm --

I hate to keep ranting, but lets say if I was a "celebrity" or well respected person and something like my story came out. I don't think I'd get sympathy. What I believe is that I'd receive so much hate.

I'm sorry guys for adding more on top of more... I'll quit ranting.

-- Mon Jun 29, 2015 8:40 pm --

*bump*

*need revived*



-- Mon Jun 29, 2015 10:47 pm --

*Update* Revelation?

I just remember something that might be pivotal. I remember when I was 7 or 8 I went to a friends house to play Nintendo. And for some reason He brought me to his brothers room(I don't know how old his little brother was, but he was in a crib). My friend pulled down his brothers pants and licked his butt. And I seen that friend everyday of my entire schooling years. Never thought twice about it. He was a normal guy then, but by that time he wasn't really a friend. I guess you lose friends as you grow older as your interests change.

I cannot believe I didn't think about this more. Although it may as well be a coincidence.

In all my memories about this subject in my childhood, I don't remember any dialogue or emotion at the time- at all- except for what my step brother did to me. Maybe because I was a little older, or I was impacted emotionally. This memories are all products of vague mental pictures.

Anyway I thought I should mention this. Don't know if it means anything.

-- Mon Jun 29, 2015 10:55 pm --

Oh and one last thing. To anybody reading this, and who feels the overwhelming guilt of something similar. I'm right here with you. There is NO way you feel worse than I. I completely understand the remorse you feel. We will resolve this.

I know I'm in no position to give advice, but if you'd like to chat PM me.

-- Mon Jul 13, 2015 8:51 am --

Update: Still unable to accept others views and more importantly my therapists. Is there anyway I can just move on and accept or forgive myself? I'm sooooooo freaking drained I can't stand it any longer.

I hope having this space to vent / confess / work things through has been useful for you. Apologies that I have not been around for a couple of weeks to mod. My own mental health wasn't good and I needed a little time out (my parents even banned the site to ensure this and I'm in my late 20s!!)

The fact it, young children are strange. Not all of them do the things you did. But all children grow up and change as their brains change too. You are not that same confused young boy anyone. You can be better than that... indeed, I think you are already. I'm sure you wouldn't believe that even a 10-year-old murderer should be punished forever. Please extend the same compassion to yourself, however hard.

Hey Sprock, My mother and grandmother also want me to stop "searching for answers online", because i'll never find 'em. They also wanted me to shut off my internet for awhile. So I can relate. Even though I do feel bad looking around online- this is the only place I can find a little bit of hope and solace.

My only wish and the only one I ever had, was that I would run into someone with an answer. But I do understand how far-fetched that may be. All I wanted was to get past this.

Now the thing on my mind is what the majority, or public would think of this. I posted a topic accordingly. I don't know, Even if I somehow fix this, I will probably find something else.

Anyway thanks for coming back and reopening a dialogue, Sprock. Please don't feel obligated to entertain me though. I understand my problems may be benign, but they feel so horrible I cant stand it any longer.

-- Tue Jul 14, 2015 3:17 am --

I do not know why but I feel an obligation to look at every Josh Duggar article I can find and read every comment. I'm unsure if I should but, I read the vile comments about him and take them as a personal shot. Is that a valid correlation? Maybe if I was famous? Maybe this is my obsession... If this whole thing about him wasn't as big a deal as it is, I'd be fairly better.

No clue why I make the correlation? Maybe it's fair after all? I just feel if I was in the same social status I would be ripped into as well. Every comment about him being a molester, and abuser seem to hit me for some reason, because of my past. Granted I was 10 and did it once, Still feel the worst I've ever felt in my entire 21 year existence?

Just looking for the answer...

-- Tue Jul 14, 2015 3:22 am --

By the way, maybe I can't come to terms with this because I'm unsure my age and reason I did this. Anywhere between 7-11. I just want this constant cloud of dread to stop, please stop...

-- Thu Jul 16, 2015 4:14 pm --

Any suggestions?

-- Thu Jul 16, 2015 10:18 pm --

Is my situation really any different than Josh Duggars? I feel if I was famous, I'd be treated the same... I can't help but take all the comments to Duggar, as a personal shot. Is this valid? I feel this way of thinking is somewhat rational?

I'd appreciate the feedback. Thank you.

-- Mon Jul 20, 2015 2:14 pm --

I'm just lost. I don't know what to do. My therapist is on an extended vacation. I feel like the worst person in the world. How do I get over this?

If it truly isn't as big a deal as I'm making it, why do I feel it is? I feel like as big as a deal I made it for my family it would be hard to bring things back to normal.

I'm just soooo completely lost in my emotions.

-- Mon Jul 20, 2015 2:18 pm --

I want to be dead nearly every day, one reason I don't do it is because if there is an afterlife I feel I'd still be dealing with this. Maybe I have some type of disorder, I don't know. How should I feel about my past? I literally am a hermit now, and this site is my only solace.

Thanks.

-- Fri Jul 24, 2015 5:47 am --

Update: Just hoping someones still out there. Would love to still receive messages.

-- Thu Jul 30, 2015 4:20 pm --

Still here, waiting for responses.

Hey, I've been reading this topic for awhile and decided to create an account to tell you. Maybe even bump it up in posts. I would like I hear some answers to your latest ?s too. I'm In similar circumstances.

Oh, then thank you for continuing to read this mess, Zalas. Appreciate the support.

Hello friend. Looking and reading the thread, everything has been said that I would have said. I think at this point, you rechecking the thread over and over again is not going to do you any favors. It will only drive you towards a more pained state since you seek validation from the thread over and over again. And of course, everyone here on the Remorse board is looking for some form of validation, a second party to analyze the situation that we are too scared to reveal to the world.

However, I believe you got some very solid answers currently, and any more is just going to keep feeding your brain, somewhat like a drug. It seems it grants you temporary relief, but your mind relapses and reseeks validation over and over again(judging by the bumps on the thread). I think you need to accept the advice that was given to you prior and internalize it.

My honest advice? Stop using the internet. At least for a few weeks. It will literally be your saving grace in regards to your mental state. Turn off any form of internet connection and just live life, as dull as it may be. Do not let your mind wonder, and stay productive.

Your actions will repeat in your mind. The best you can do is accept them. Realize the error in your actions, and live past that.

Do not kill yourself. Do not harm yourself. That wouldn't be fair to you or the people who love you.
If this site is your only solace, STOP using this website(again, at least for a few weeks). It is only making you repeat your OCD that is putting you in eternal torture. You need to break away from your routine, simply because your routine is destroying you, and by routine, I mean your constant checking of the site.

If your OCD is truly extreme and you feel you have lost control, I would advise seeing a psychiatrist. Medication(while I do not advise it for people with intermediate cases) will help you in recovering. Just be wary of the side effects.

I honestly think the best medicine for you at the minute is to break routine and stop using the internet in general, it is only fueling your need to check and validate yourself to an unhealthy degree. At this point, the ability to break free of your guilt and to find love within yourself, is within your own hands.

Thanks Zonofo, I understand where you are coming from and think you are more than likely correct. I just read lots of articles and connect the dots which isn't really fair. I mean I read the Duggar thing and the comments, then take all of it personal, which I still think is a valid thing to do...

I do have both a psychiatrist and therapist, but its weeks before I get back in. I just take everything my therapists tells me and through it away because I feel I dont deserve to get better, which is what he did accurately tell me before.

I think I feel about myself how the public would feel me, which is why I look at the Duggar stuff to validate, and say "see I knew I should be feeling this way". I think I'd be in the same boat and everyone would hate me for reasons like that... I don't know. I don't know if this is correct thinking or I'm just completely disconnected with reality.

-- Fri Jul 31, 2015 7:10 pm --

Also, everytime I try to do something mundane or relatively enjoyable I get this feeling of "How could you feel happiness over what you have done? If people knew they would hate you". I don't know what that means but I feel that constantly.

Heartfullofguilt2 wrote:Thanks Zonofo, I understand where you are coming from and think you are more than likely correct. I just read lots of articles and connect the dots which isn't really fair. I mean I read the Duggar thing and the comments, then take all of it personal, which I still think is a valid thing to do...

I do have both a psychiatrist and therapist, but its weeks before I get back in. I just take everything my therapists tells me and through it away because I feel I dont deserve to get better, which is what he did accurately tell me before.

I think I feel about myself how the public would feel me, which is why I look at the Duggar stuff to validate, and say "see I knew I should be feeling this way". I think I'd be in the same boat and everyone would hate me for reasons like that... I don't know. I don't know if this is correct thinking or I'm just completely disconnected with reality.

-- Fri Jul 31, 2015 7:10 pm --

Also, everytime I try to do something mundane or relatively enjoyable I get this feeling of "How could you feel happiness over what you have done? If people knew they would hate you". I don't know what that means but I feel that constantly.

I had HOCD when i was younger(around 12-15), and the amount of checking I did during those days were ridiculous. Constantly checking the internet, looking at porn all the time to get a "reaction", reading articles on how men found out they were gay. I was obsessed with the idea of my sexuality and If i was gay or not. I stopped enjoying things in general and sunk into depression for a few months during that time(I don't like to use the term depressed loosely, but I was indeed depressed during that time. my desire to eat and involve myself with people had dropped dramatically, and going to school at the time was a nightmare.)

Long story short, I understand the hell OCD can put you through(I still fight with it today.) But i never went with a therapist to resolve my issue. the best cure is accepting your actions and understanding certain things were out of your control and education at the time(considering you were very young when this incident happened.) What really helped me when I was younger was getting involved with martial arts and trying to go out and meet friends as much as possible(not to a unhealthy extent, but ya know.) OCD number one enemy is productivity. The more you are idle and able to be stuck in your own mind, your own mind will destroy you.

I understand the feeling of not deserving to enjoy something, but again, this is a matter of self-forgiveness and understanding no one really lives a perfect life. You came here for support and understanding, and the community has given great responses, but now it honestly comes down to you. Not a therapist, or anyone else. You have to give yourself forgiveness. Only you can better your own life.

By looking at Duggar articles over and over again and constantly running the events through your head you are giving yourself more harm then you ever deserve. Long story short, you shouldn't validate yourself anymore, as its reaching unhealthy levels. You should live, and live beyond your error.

Mate, you were 10.

No one in their right mind who would judge you by these actions now, especially given the massive amount of remorse and guilt you've shown. You were literally a child, and yeah what you did was pretty weird, but you can't let something like this destroy your life.