I think this is the end, I cant bare the guilt anymore

I do see both a therapist and psychologist. I've told my therapists everything I've posted here. I just can't shake these thoughts or whatever it is.

Hi again:

You wrote that you told your therapist everything, well: what did he or she say? What insight did you gain???

atina

They said something similar and along the lines of what everyone said here but it only grants temporary relief

i think its okay to have temporary relief. i mean when we feel hungry we eat food. the food doesnt vanish the hunger forever, it gives temporary relief n we have to eat food the next day.

mental health is like physical health. if we work out we'd have a strong body. but if we dont work out, eat unhealthy food, just laze around... the health may even deteriorate.

constant exercise is needed.

we even bathe everyday...a shower provides temporary relief(cleaning to body)

i guess it's one day at a time...n positive reinforcements must be regular.

Hey guys. I took a little break from posting here for a bit but I'm back with a few things to ask.

1. I recently got to thinking about this. A few months ago I was feeling horrible and talking to my grandpa about everything and he acted like there's no problem at all. But he also admitted that some bad stuff happened to him. But what I'm getting at is he mentioned that once when he was, I'm guessing around 20? My grandma was sleeping with my mother as a baby in his lap and he looked at her. Now I don't know how it was all said but this is what I heard. That he looked at my moms vagina or something? Or maybe it was my grandma? See my OCD has me worrying about what I even heard. He said he hated himself for along time after that and stuff. I mean I told my grandma and she said see everyone does stupid things but she said she never seen him act creepy toward kids or anything. To be honest he was and is the best grandpa to me and never ever did anything to me... I just keep thinking should I talk to my mother about this? I feel like I should, because that's my mother. I know my grandpa was trying to make me feel better but that wasn't what I was expecting him to say at all. He immediately said he shouldn't have told me and I wish he didn't.

2. Back to me... The stories about Dumham, Duggar and even Mo'niques brother now, have me worried seeing how much hate they got? I mean why would anyone hate me for those thing I did from 7-11 or 12. Feels as though if I was as big id get the same hate?

3. Whenever I look up porn, you know just regular porn on, well I won't say the site but everyone knows it, trust me. If I happen to see something odd my whole computer feels infected with grossness. Like once or twice I was watching a video where this couple met on the street and a kid walked by and it freaked me out. Granted it wasn't sexually related or anything and was in a public place, but seeing a child in the context of watching an adult porn is scary. I've been having to like clean my computer if I see stuff like that and even reinstalling factory settings cause it feels tainted. I really wish these porn video producers would think about who they might capture before they sell it.

Yeah that's about it guys.

Hey mate. Glad you could have such an intimate talk with your grandfather. You must have felt a very deep connection with him experiencing similar feelings of guilt, but I guess it was also a bit unnerving to hear it.

I wouldn't tell your mother as this will possibly cause unnecessary confusion and friction. I think your grandfather deserves to keep his past private if he wishes, especially as he didn't cause any harm. He probably told you that in confidence and I would personally respect that.

As for celebrities, yes the bigger you are the more hate you open yourself up to, because people don't always know the full story or the whole person. It's easy to hate. It's easy to condemn and claim the moral high ground. And the public love to see celebrities fall from grace in the most dramatic ways. It's a rotten, toxic affair and brings out the worst in humanity (there you see, my own form of condemnation rears its ugly head!).

There's also a lot of moral hypocrisy among the public. For example, they'll violently condemn someone like Josh Duggar, but then emphatically support or display indifference to bombing campaigns that kill and maim hundreds of children. Cognitive dissonance seems to be the norm. A lot of people don't actually care that much about the suffering of other beings, whether humans or animals - humanity has shown this throughout history. They just care about not being seen to directly cause suffering, because that is a reputation (ego, pride) killer.

This is why a rational outlook is the only way forward - so you can see the hypocrisy and the sadistic mob mentality that passes for a large swell of modern civilisation. You don't have to be a part of it, or be liked by these people. You can go your own way if you must, peacefully and privately, and accept love from those who truly understand you, regardless of your past.

Oh, and you were a CHILD.

Thanks Epiphany.

My relationship with my siblings seem artificial, as if I'm trying to act or say things. But I feel I'm being genuine. All my siblings get along with each other and me, so it's never been bad. But sometimes I think, I wonder what they are thinking. I wonder what my older sister thought if she had not thought I was playing around or that maybe I was joking when I did those things. Maybe she don't care or understands because of my childhood, I don't know.

I'll be here on and off all week.

Thanks.

-- Sat Jan 23, 2016 2:14 pm --

It's been awhile.

I'm so stressed. I feel like I'm just horrible and will be hated and that what if I told my doc and they hate me or if I could get in trouble..... The stress is really intense lately.

-- Sat Jan 23, 2016 2:16 pm --

Even though I was young, can I get in trouble somehow?

you were only a child.

I just feel undeserving and I'd be hated, I just can't move on. I hate my self and when people say it's no big deal I feel like they are lying. I hate myself and feel so undeserving. I feel hated. I don't want to live anymore. I can't take this.

-- Sun Jan 31, 2016 9:08 pm --

I do not know what to do. Does it really matter I was a child. It feels inherently evil. I can't I mean I really can't do this anymore. I want it to stop. I feel horrible and easily hateable.

I don't think I'm overreacting to my child hood at all. Please tell me if I am.

I hate sounding like I'm being dramatic but I just can't anymore.

I'm really sorry you are still feeling like this. If I could somehow take away these feelings for you, I would, because they're of no use to you (or others). You're well beyond the stage where the pain and self reflection of remorse is needed for change.

I would much rather you be out living a full life and enriching others' lives in the process than wallowing in despair and self pity.

I still stand by my advice before. You need to get ultra-rational about life and strip away these mind-made barriers that have been put up in front of you.

So for me that would be asking what are the most important things in life right now? My answer would be love, peace and helping others where you have the power. The past has no bearing on the value of these things.

What others think about you also does not take away from those truths, in my opinion. I'm not saying what people think doesn't matter, I'm saying that regardless of what people think about you, love, peace and helping others still stand as tall and noble as ever.

So you may feel like a hypocrite... again, as ugly as hypocrisy can be, it still doesn't mean we should stop aiming towards a life of love, peace and helping others. These principles don't lose their value just because someone has past incidences of violating them.

You have to get to the point where you are sick of saying "but I just feel..." and just DO IT - go out and be the best you can. There is no other way. There are no buts. Make the good outweigh the bad.

Make the good outweigh the bad.

The longer you wait, the more you will regret your past for holding you back.