I think this is the end, I cant bare the guilt anymore

i don't know if my reply was posted or not so i'm doing it again.

i made an account just so i could reply to this.

dude, the duggar thing was such a big deal cuz that whole family is part of fundamentalist christian movement called the "quiverfull movement ". they acted so pure and perfect so it shook people up to learn that it was all a facade . (though most of us could tell it was b.s.) .
you were TEN ! a little kid!! kids do weird $#%^ all the time!! and you were f-ing MOLESTED over an extended amount of time! lets not make light of that! you ARE a survivor of sexual abuse!! your sister was 4 so she most likely doesn't recall and so what if she DID recall? the point is, she says she doesn't so that either means that she in fact does not recall or that she doesn't want to talk about it and just wants to get on with life. your brain wasn't even close to being fully formed at that time. there is no correlation between what you're reading about regarding other molestation cases and what you did because you're reading about ADULTS molesting kids. aside from the duggar case , he was a teen. he KNEW it was wrong cuz at 14 , 15, 16 etc you know its wrong. i'm much more concerned about he fact that you step brother was molesting the whole house of kids. i wonder where he got that from? who molested him? it could be that no one did and that he was just doing that on his own and that he was just a young pedophile but i doubt it. now he has kids of his own. if i were you i'd call child protective services and tell them what happened so that they have it on record and so they can interview his kids. you may be doing them the biggest favor of their lives by getting them away from a molesting father.and by just reporting it to c.p.s you can feel some relief from guilt, knowing you did everything in your power to protect other children. also, good for you for being brave enough to tell your mom and everyone! i can tell from your posts that you def have OCD and i believe that is what is causing you such grief. you can't escape the obsessive thoughts and thats whats killing you. you're being WAAAY too hard on yourself. you didn't ruin anyones life , but it seems to me that you've had your life negatively impacted in a HUGE way by your step brother. i think you should write him a letter explaining how this has affected you. he needs to know the damage and wreckage that his actions have created.

Dear heartfullofguilt,
I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse and I want you to know I see innocence in you. Yes you did something wrong and to a degree knew at the time or sometime after BUT you can and must forgive yourself. You were a child and it is apparent you yourself were abused. Children behave in sexualised ways because they are confused. Because of your experience you didn't I believe fully understand what you were doing was wrong perhaps with more understanding you realised at a later date and the fact that you are eaten up with guilt shows you are not a bad person you were a victim, a child and we're doing things which had most likely been done to you. Children don't do grapgic sexual things without having experienced or at very least witnessing such things either in real life or on film. Please try to forgive yourself, itwould seem very apparent to me there was no violent, psychologically/violent manipulation. In my experience the most damaging part is the twisted nature of abusers who emotionally, mentally and physically manipulate you to put the blame, guilt and shame on you and to terrorise you to keep quiet, mine told me at 5 or 6 he would know if I said anything even if he was dead and his spirit woulget me

It seems apparent to me there was non of th violent, mental or emotional manipulation that I personally experienced. You are obviously full of remorse abusers are generally more concerned with protecting themselves and fear the abuser will tell so try to terrify them. Please accept your sister loves and forgives you. You were an innocent child a victim of sexual abuse and acted out things that had been done to you. I think yu may need counselling to deal with feeling of shame, guilt about the abuse you suffered, we tend to blame ourselves especially when our bodies responded and we felt it was love and care. It's a midfield. It is the trauma that is most damaging and I suspect your sister was not traumatised. You are a good person and obviously have a deep conscience. I am so sorry you feel unable to cope with this and forgive yourself. Your mum and sister obviously love you and understand and truelly forgive you. You are a goo person who deserve happiness and loving relationships. I advice you stronglyto seek help to come to terms with the abuse you were victim to and with your guilt and suicidal thoughts. This may be transference because you can't deal with your own pain and guilt. I suggest you leave discussing it with your sister it probably wasn't traumatic and not a strong memory for her. Please forgive yourself and heal. With much love and forgiveness rachel

Thank you so, so much Rosemary and Survivor. Thank you.

I always feel by moving on im being selfish or something. I feel I'm running from something. I know it wasn't traumatic for her because even I barely remember it and it was once and I wasn't forceful or even mean. The whole haziness of the memory has me wondering too. I keep wanting to ask her but I know she really doesn't know or care. But I'd hate for her to secretly hate me.

I see stuff like I've said the Duggar, and the Mo'Niques brother thing a few years back. And that brother on the Dr. Phil show.

I honestly have no idea my frame of mind at the time... Or why I was experimental that young. I just feel like I'd be hated for doing those things, but I don't even remember them, except for a few mental pictures. I just want to forget this and move on. But I can't.

-- Sat Dec 05, 2015 9:46 pm --

And let me personally thank you, Rachel. Thank you.

Xxx <3

I just feel like a creep... I want to move on, I do. I feel like I'm being told stories to make me feel better, but I wouldn't know because I can't tell either way.

I feel like if people knew I'd be hated and I can't shake that. And all these scenarios I've contemplated seem plausible. And all the stories I posted like Mo'niques brother or Duggar seem similar, so I take there hate and place it on myself. I just hate myself. I can't live thinking this any longer, it won't leave. I hope this, and I hope that. I hope my sister doesn't hate me in the future, or her significant other would hate me. I hope my dad wouldn't hate me or any other family members. I hope that people I don't even know and will never know won't hate me. I feel guilty for not feeling the pain I think I should feel. I do not know what to do other than think these thoughts and make these leaps to conclusions. I just want to be accepted and a regular working citizen, with friends and a girlfriend(that's a whole different thing).

I recently posted this to the OCD section but I'll post it here aswell because it makes me feel awful.

So a few days back I was looking up porn on a site(frequently used)I've used off and on for years and in a picture gallery there was a picture of a baby. Thankfully it was clothed and wasn't sexual in nature. Was just a picture of a baby. But why would someone do that? I've ran into sketchy images years ago that scared me before. Anyway I reported it. The site said it had zero tolerance for illegal porn(if you call that pick one). But that picture of an innocent child doesn't need to be on a site like that.

In the past I could've swore I ran into scary images but my OCD plays hugely upon that being they distant memories. But knew what I saw a few days ago and reported it immediately.

See stuff like that even has me feeling guilty for even stumbling upon it. This is a small issue compared to my other posts, but still, I'm constantly worried.

i understand what you're feeling. even i've done some veyr bad stuff in life that i wish i hadnt dont. i regret doing them and often think that 'what if people find out.'

i dont know if this helps but:
right now you're tormenting yourself. how about devote one day like i often think that the day before i die, when i'm old and bed-ridden that's when i'll think of these thoughts. that's when i'll crucify myself, but not now.

not judging others helps. i guess as humans we want to be on higher moral ground than others. maybe unlearn the mind to do it. we all have reasons for our actions. if we knew other way we hadnt done that.

its like if i take 3 blood samples from u and place 1 in high temperature, 1 in cold temperatue, 1 at room temperature...the blood samples would be affected differently. like wise is true for our thoughts.

the people around us affect us.

we all harm others knowingly or unknowingly. when we breathe we kill micro organisms, we kill animals and plants for food. for electricity we kill natural habitat that also badly affects flora and fauna.

often we spray pesticides...why is a pesticide's life more valuable than a human's. guess i went off-topic.

maybe accept the thought and let them pass. like you've done bad stuff but you didnt know otherwise. maybe visualize the regret like a scar or a broken wing.

i'm not saying to forget it all and be happy n sing and dance. that's not my idea of a happy life. i want to have a peaceful life with someone...maybe lie on a hammock.

i dont think anything completely helps. there are some videosn on youtube on 'how to accept terrible thoughts' watching them helps me.

Thinking about everything I've posted and done in my childhood seems like a immovable mountain. Lately I've been thinking about the sister thing and dog thing. And also what happened this week. And also when I put my genitals in my brothers mouth while he slept, that's just so wierd. No one would accept that and say ok. I feel scared and alone. Everything is awful.

-- Wed Dec 16, 2015 3:33 pm --

I feel like I can or should be in trouble for my past... I don't know. I read lena Dunhams and duggar articles and feel horrible, because I we some similarity...

Only humans can take a thought about something in the past and see it as an immovable mountain in the present. It's one of the "curses" of being human, of being alive and conscious to such a degree.

We have to live with our thoughts, including our anxieties, our regrets, our self-sadism. The question people ought to be asking is not "how do I get rid of these thoughts?", as that leads to suppressing thought into the unconscious (which is dangerous), but rather "how can I detach my self identity from thought?". The latter is far more rational and healthy.

jaus tail, your comment about killing animals for food reminded me of one of my own thoughts I often get caught up in. I am a meat eater and I often think that, by the end of my life, supporting the killing of animals for what evidence shows is not necessary for our survival, will be by far the worst thing I have done, morally speaking. Every single explanation I have come across, from self-righteous humans, has never put me at ease on this point. Yet I continue to eat meat and while doing so think nothing of the possible suffering that animal went through for my selfish gratification.

If you hurt another human being (indeed, an animal), is that "on par" with killing a non-human animal? We could spend hours philosophising such moral comparisons. Some people would think it's so clear cut. Others would see more complexity in the debate.

But ultimately, we will at some point be on our death bed. We will put our life into a perspective that we would perhaps not even have contemplated when young and/or healthy.

I am sure that, if nothing we have done in life has ruined or ended any human life, our death bed regrets may gravitate towards something completely unexpected. The regrets may not even be about what harm we have done, rather that we did not love enough, help enough and alleviate suffering enough where we had the opportunity. We were too obsessed with preserving our own identity, our ego, that fuels pride and shame and gives us a very hypocritical and short sighted sense of morality.

If we could somehow see the net effect of everything we have ever done, would we even be concerned with isolated events? To contemplate such things is to see the futility of this perpetual critique of the self. We do what we do for reasons that lie beyond our conscious reality and the true consequences are not fully revealed beyond our immediate observation. The slither of light between the two is what we call human perception.

Dear heartfullofguilt2:

I don't know if you are following this thread that you started long ago.

I think that the reason you keep thinking about that one incident with your sister (it not having been forceful and of short duration may have meant nothing to her, not then and not now, other than you mentioning it to her again and again. At the time it may have been nothing much, and a lost memory like many others) is because you see her then as the innocent little girl that she was.

That view of her triggers your hurt that YOU experienced as an innocent little boy sexually abused for a year by your step brother. It is YOUR experience, your child within that keeps sending you the message of how hurt he was, how distressed he is about what happened to him during that year.

In attending to your own hurt over your own hurtful, traumatizing abuse by your step brother that I think, you should work on in therapy.

It seems to me that this is what you have been missing and so did your mother all this time.

Please stop mentioning that one incident to your sister and attend to all those many incidents of what was done to you.

Those incidents, those many incidents, created such distress, that of course, it is strongly connected to that one incident with your sister and others. Attend to it.

atina

I just think about all these scenarios... like what my dad or others would think. And how just plain odd all of it is.