I think this is the end, I cant bare the guilt anymore

Well my therapist thinks it all stems from my abuse from a stepbrother who was 5 years older, about 14 or 15 at the time and it was extremely worse than what I've ever done. He actually messed with my younger sister too, and she remembers him being abusive to her. I pray it wasn't as bad as what he did to me... I feel I cannot except that I was abused because it feels like an excuse, and when I told my therapist I'm not sure if I was abused before or after the event. To which he assured me that children who do this are influenced, so he assured me it was after. Thank you.

-- Thu Nov 12, 2015 3:44 am --

At 8-10 lick my 2-4 sisters butt, as in the crack.

At 10-12 me and my brother experimented a lot. But once while he was sleeping in put my genitals on his mouth.

At 10-12 I kissed my 3 year older sisters butt whilst touching myself. She was asleep. Happened twice.

At 10-13 me and my 1 year older cousin played a "game" which was similar to truth or dare, but I remember licking her butt, as in the crack...

Somewhere in the middle of all this I had a dog lick my genitals once. And I remember like laying on top of it once, not all my weight. I also remember another one like licked my butt...

What am I supposed to do...? I don't feel deserving of anything...

-- Thu Nov 12, 2015 6:15 am --

I feel like people would hate me or something. And think maybe I shouldn't deserve to do things I enjoy. And I care what others think, tremendously.

Sounds like your in your family there wasn't much in the way of actual parental supervision (not just being around but actually knowing what was going on).
Your behaviours first guess was you'd witnessed adults but then it may be this cousin who did stuff to you and you did it to others.

People (and society) picks on 'helicopter' parents.... and i'm guilty of that, however my kids will never have to go through what you are now.
I can surely bet you would rather have been writing on this forum now "my mum was over protective' than "i did these awful things'.

You make lists of these things you did.
Maybe a good start would be a list of positive things:
"i helped my sister when she fell over and had a blood nose and got her a washcloth"
(don't write them here.... just make a long list for yourself).
Also make a list of the things the ADULTS who were RESPONSIBLE for you and your siblings of what they didn't do. They failed to protect you....
Did they drink? Were too involved with their own stuff, friends, work, tv whatever? Did they sit and have good long talks with you? These are some of the things to start exploring.
Would you feel so bad if you burnt the house down because your parents left matches and petrol sitting in the lounge room?

I don't want to criticise your parents, they may be lovely PEOPLE.... but as PARENTS they let you down. Probably same for your cousin....

Check out Robert Burney joy2meu
He does telephone counseling as it may be too much for you to 'handle' on your own.

I also have a lot of regrets about the past. Mostly about things I DIDN'T do that I think I should have done. I know how hard it is, but we have to get over these things and move on. Punishing ourselves forever isn't helping anyone.

Thanks. I'm just unsure how to feel anyway other than how I do.

-- Sat Nov 14, 2015 4:16 am --

I like think about the future and everything; scenarios. Like what if my dad would hate me or other family members. Or maybe even what if my sister hates me and remembers somehow in the future and her future husband/boyfriend hates me.... I don't know?

-- Sat Nov 14, 2015 5:29 am --

oh yeah. I also remember once somewhere between 7-11 I put my older sis's underwear like on my head... I do not know what for.

-- Mon Nov 16, 2015 2:26 pm --

Well it's finalized that I'm let go from my job in a week. But I don't even care about that. I just can't shake the heavy remorse.

Seeing people on here complain about things that aren't even weird scare me. Those 5 or so things are controlling my mind into self hatred and I'm pretty sure I deserve it. I can't enjoy a thing.

-- Mon Nov 16, 2015 9:49 pm --

Feels like I did something illegal, like a from. Like I'm running from something.

-- Tue Nov 17, 2015 9:55 pm --

Have a wierd thought of what if my sisters future boyfriend/husband, wants to beat me up. What's this?

-- Tue Nov 17, 2015 9:55 pm --

Answers or comments?

-- Wed Nov 18, 2015 3:06 pm --

It feels like I'm running or something if I don't mention it to like a relative or someone I know well. Like they'd see me differently and our relationship is fake. I'm drained.

-- Mon Nov 23, 2015 4:27 pm --

It's okay to forgive yourself.

It sounds like your sister and family support you. Let your sister cope with this in peace. I wouldn't mention it again. This coming from my own experience; I know that sometimes people would rather not discuss former abuse. Or you could say, "You can talk to me about anything," which I always thought was a nice thing to hear when I wasn't ready to talk.

I believe that what your step-brother did directly influenced what happened with your sister. There's no need for you to carry around the guilt that is woven from a cycle of abuse. We all want someone to blame. Sometimes even ourselves if it will help us to compartmentalize the remorse. Try to let go of the urge to define and understand and fit together all the puzzle pieces. That helped me when I felt shame for molesting my sister (I was very young and was being abused by my grandfather)- hope you can overcome this!

Suicide is never the answer.

Thank you for responding. And for the suggestions.

I can see you are still struggling with this since my last visit and response. I have a few more things to say to you:

I believe the reason you're worrying about your dad, other family members, or sister hating you for this, is because your mind is desperately searching for a reason for you to feel guilty. It's even making up imaginary people with imaginary motives (your sister's future husband wanting to beat you up). This proves to me that you can overcome it. It's your mind searching in every corner to create SOMETHING that'll give you a reason to keep dwelling on it, because it's running out of realistic outcomes.

Honestly, I don't see a big deal in any of this. I will always stand by that, and I'm not saying it because I need to. Yes, this is a support forum, but as a person with morals I can support what I feel needs supporting. I support you getting over these events from your childhood. In my opinion, if anyone hated you, a grown man, for doing these things as a child all of these years later, I would laugh in their face. If someone in society hated you for this, they have a lot to learn about life and growing up themself. Friends of mine and I share stories similar to this, about weird/sexual things we did as kids, and we laugh about them. We bond over them. We share those, "what was I thinking back then?!" moments together.

You must look at this realistically, you didn't hurt anyone then, no one will be hurt by it now. Please take a break from this forum, and try to enjoy what you use to. If you keep coming back for answers and reassurance, you're only letting your mind win. We as humans take events in life way too seriously, it doesn't need to be that way. Live in the now, you're a good guy in my book.

Much of what you did was not abusive. If the age difference was only 3 yrs or so, it is not considered abuse. Looks to me like you are your own worst enemy. These intrusive thoughts which serve no good purpose to anyone are definitely OCD. I suggest you go to an OCD specialist as it is a treatable condition.

If you are religious, go to a priest to confess or go on a religious retreat where you pray and release all of your sins in a symbolic way... write them out and nail them to a cross or tear up the list and throw the pieces into the river, or put them into balloons and release them, or burn them in a fire pit. When God forgives you, He forgives you. No and's if's or but's. He remembers your sins no more. Why should you?

Thanks for all the support guys.

For the past year or so I've been getting unwanted/intrusive thoughts while masterbating. Before it was family members popping in and out but now it's really creeping me out because I'll see like a picture of a kid. Whoever that pops in my mind. It's never sexual, like looking into a picture frame. The fact I don't want to get these thoughts causes me to get them and the harder I try to forgot the more it persists. Honestly I am in no way enjoying or wanting these thoughts.

When I "finish", if I happen to have a thought or a remote feeling of a thought I have to finish again and again until it's gone. If I don't I feel tainted until I do again.

This happens 1-3 a month. I really hate it and am starting to hate myself about this. I don't understand. I really don't like/want these thoughts.

You also don't create these thoughts (or any thoughts for that matter) so you are not to blame.

In many ways, OCD is like any other addiction. The only way to break the habit is by accepting the negative feelings you experience when you don't act on your impulses.

For example, you feel tainted when you don't finish for the second or third time. Will that feeling of being tainted kill you? No, it's just mind games. It may make you feel rotten, but you may not realise now that such feelings will eventually go away the more you allow them to just be.

A heroin addict may feel they are going to die if they don't get another hit. Now there are often chemical/physical dependencies with addiction that can make you very ill, which makes it harder to overcome. But much of the challenge for overcoming any addiction is seeing through the lies your mind tells you. In your case, it is 100% a mind-made addiction.

Say this to yourself when you feel tainted:

"I will not die or lose anything of value."

"I am the watcher, not creator, of my thoughts."

If you can just be tainted for the first couple of times, you'll have proved to yourself that nothing bad is going to happen.

If you could verbalise this state of acceptance, it might be "ok, I'm tainted. So what?"

Eventually, your mind will stop delivering this feeling of taintedness because all the fear about what it means to be tainted will be diminished.

My gf used to have "compulsive checking" OCD. She would switch lights off and on until it felt "right". How did she overcome it? By "feeling wrong" several times rather than avoiding it out of fear. She soon realised there was nothing truly threatening about this feeling of wrongness. Her mind soon gave up the game because there was no fear to play with anymore.

Don't play the game and your mind, like a child, will get bored and find something else to feed its insatiable need for identity.