I think this is the end, I cant bare the guilt anymore

I cannot control this guilt with the pills they throw at me. It grabs my heart and puts it in my throat.

The single thing on my mind every 3 minutes is what I've done to my sister. I've talked to her about. She doesn't remember. But I do, be it hazy. Somewhere around age 10 I remember walking into my sisters( who is 6 years younger than I) room. And for some reason I performed oral on her butt, as in between the cheeks. I have no idea as to why and no idea if i enjoyed it. I don't think I was forceful, I don't even remember pulling her pants down. Maybe she was getting out of the shower? no clue. And that was the only time I did it to her, because the guilt that follows me today, was from then.

About a year or 2(I was around 12) went by and all of a sudden the guilt hit me. I worked up the courage to tell my mother, whilst sobbing. I told her that. I told her me and my brother, who is 11 months younger, fooled around in every field, always consensual. I always felt he was the big brother. He has always been physically bigger. I also remember performing oral on my cousins butt as well, she's a year older. That was through truth or dare. I had to tell her one more thing.

I don't know is this was before or after all the incidents, I certainly do not want to blame this. I want to take full responsibility for everything. I had a step brother about 4 and a half years older than me. I had a bunk bed with my *real brother and my step asked if I would sleep in his bed. Eventually I slept there every night. He would have me perform oral on him and he on I. Then he would proceed with anal penetration. Usually he would end up pleasuring his self between my legs, just underneath my rear. As it wouldn't fit. After he was done he went to the bathroom straight across from my room. I never knew why he did. years later I realized he was probably masturbating. This went on the entire time he was there, roughly a year.

I feel as though I can't even touch that memory with any emotion, because I feel so bad about my sister. My mother, her and I, all talked together about it. My sister started crying because I was crying. Later she said she does remember my step brother doing stuff to her, which I did walk in on before. She says she doesn't remember me doing anything. But she can't right? All the stuff I read about tells me she may remember and maybe not telling me? But she truly may not remember, as I barely do. The more I look back on that memory the clearer it becomes. I don't feel as though I'd be doing her justice by just forgetting it and saying everything is fine. I feel by pushing this over and forgetting about it is the worst thing I could do. I'm not a Child Molester who has no emotions and doesn't care if anyone gets hurt. I honestly do not think I will ever deem my actions acceptable and forgive myself.

Lets say my step brother did all that to me after I did everything else. Are my actions the same? I do not want to blame my step brother for what I did to my sister. I want to be blamed. But I honestly have no memory on what events happened when. would it matter?

I feel as I can be lumped in with the Duggar case. I feel I could never make this up to her. Is the best thing to do is to accept she doesn't remember? I don't want to treat this lightly and with no respect.

Also I have a Therapist and Psychiatrist, which are both aware I have OCD. Mainly thoughts. My Therapist tells me to just accept the thought and let it pass. It seems so wrong to let that thought of my sister pass, and say "yeah that is that". That can't be true, right? What I believe it comes down to in my core, is that there's no way she don't know.

Come to think of it I don't know what age I was when I done this to her maybe anywhere between 7-12? I don't know. Does it matter? Should every case be the same? Should I stop bringing this up with my sister and asking if everything is fine? I can't bare this anymore. She always called me her favorite brother..... Probably because I always was nice to her, trying to make it up in anyway.

Every time I come across an article about Molesters or for instance the Duggar case, I immediately connect the dots to what I've done. Is that correlation correct?

I know I've thrown a lot of questions at you. But I can't take this anymore. I haven't been more anxious/suicidal. Please don't answer to soothe my guilt. I need honesty. I'm so lost and disconnected. Thanks.

-- Mon Jun 08, 2015 6:43 pm --

I just don't believe I can/deserve to get past this. I've told my mother, grandmother and siblings but they think it's normal, or kids play as they put it. That's wrong right? I just believe they are saying that just to please me. I mean the Duggars just kept it to themselves and look what happened. Sorry I'm adding more questions to my pile. It's just, I can't eat or sleep. I dropped out of school, have literally 0 friends and never had a GF. I just want to be normal. But I don't think I'll ever be with this always hovering above my head. No matter if I were to be rich and famous, I'll have this over me. I'd HAPPILY give everything away to go back a reverse this. At 21, all I see is the past in my future. Thanks again.

-- Mon Jun 08, 2015 11:03 pm --

I'm scared, i'm seriously considering suicide. That is the only way past, that I see.

I don't know how to help you, but I was just browsing and there haven't been any replies yet. All I can say is, if I were you, I'd try to realize that you actually do feel bad about this. You are not like molesters you read about, as you said yourself. Realize you feel bad about what you did, and, try to make that a reason to show yourself compassion. Don't do it again, and be there for your sister that loves you so you can make it up for her. Even if you haven't forgiven yourself, whether she remembers or not, she might have or would forgive you. Think about her, and what you can do for her, and not so much about what you might have done to her. As the case is at this moment - she doesn't even remember.

Good luck.

More importantly, you were a very young kid.

Have you read my post about the Duggars? Josh Duggar was 14-16ish, not 10. Your brain is very different to what it was as a 10-year-old and as such you are a different person. Obviously, the behaviour was inappropriate... but I don't think it was "evil" in the way it would have been if committed by an adult. And I don't think you're evil. Not whatsoever.

Should I just accept that she does not remember? I feel as though I'd be just brushing it under the rug.

Heartfullofguilt2 wrote:Should I just accept that she does not remember? I feel as though I'd be just brushing it under the rug.

I'm not an expert. But I say yes. Be happy, but be vigilant for signs of denial. I'm not saying be paranoid and start snooping through her diary, but if you ever see anything suspicious in her, you may check twice. Until then, there's no use wanting to force the experience back so she can talk about it or something. Really - you were 10 I read - she might not even care if she does remember it at some point.

Time to step up and be a protector for her. If you're crippled by guilt you can't do that. Take care of yourself, and good luck.

I agree with s-ss and do not think you deserve to be bound forever by actions committed in childhood. Also, you do not have the celebrity status, influence or money of Josh Duggar, nor seem to be homophobic or transphobic, the hypocrisy of which seems to be at the heart of much of the current hatred toward him. Finally, you were younger than Josh Duggar who **started** the molestation of his sisters when he was 14 and apparently continued this to 16/17, which is getting towards 'young adulthood'.

So I should try to forgive myself? My therapists seems to think it was me being abused that caused it, and he thinks I done nothing wrong regardless. He blames a lot of it on OCD, but that's like i'm using that to cover up what I did. Saying it's not the act, it's the OCD. Could he just be acting kind and compassionate? I don't know why I did this. I mean 1 act of 15 seconds, screwed up my whole life for 10 years. I wish I could find happiness again. I honestly forgot how it felt... wow that's really said typing out. But I've come to terms with facing this forever... I just want to find peace. And I hope my sister stays happy.

I honestly think you should forgive yourself. So many of us here in Remorse have OCD (including myself). The problem with OCD is that while most people are able to recognise things they did which they regret, change, make amends, and then move on with their lives, with OCD you feel tainted and doomed for all eternity and think about what you did every day, often every hour, sometimes literally every minute. And it's Hell... actually I sometimes suspect that it was people with OCD (before it was a recognised condition) who created the very notion of Hell. I think it only really makes intellectual sense to those of us with this kind of brain.

So... it's easier said than done. But please listen to your therapist. You were really very young and, moreover, a victim of serious abuse yourself. You can be forgiven and move on from this.

Thanks Sprock. You are a wonderful person. I genuinely thank you for your insightful contributions, and more importantly understanding this crazy thing called OCD.

That is such a kind thing to say - thank you!

I'm really not a wonderful person IMO (if you see my own threads I have my own behaviour to which I try to make amends but perpetually feel scared I am beyond redemption) ... but I try really hard to be earnest and helpful and generally supportive because I know that mental health can be such a struggle to hope with and that OCD often gets unfairly minimised or dismissed or treated as a comedy quirk. It's certainly made my life a lot harder, especially when I was in school, but hopefully understanding how it works makes it just that little bit easier to cope with!

Thanks again. Really truly