I think this is the end, I cant bare the guilt anymore

It's hard trying that. I have but am not sure I'm affective at it.

I've been very stressed lately just staring at a regular pictures of a kid and trying to figure out if I am attracted to it, but I never am. Sometimes I see the pictures differently, like I guess I could be attracted to it, but I don't know if I'm making myself do this. I even look through old photo albums of when I was a kid and relatives and question. I'm just scared I could be I guess. I'm even freaking out why I would even judge the picture like that. I feel awful. I don't understand why I ask questions that I know the answers to, like the picture. But I still question if I am and even though I'm not I'm grossed out that I even judged it like that to begin with. I've never looked at a child and said to myself "that's attractive", not even remotely. I don't know if I'm just worrying that I'm worrying I could be, if that makes sense?

-- Mon May 02, 2016 6:28 am --

A weird thing is that there is a picture of my older female cousin when she was around 10 and I keep wondering on that picture. I keep asking am I attracted to this? I keep going back to look at it to question myself again and again. It's turning into an OCD tic.

-- Mon May 02, 2016 6:39 am --

I don't know, I like, try to pick out little things and say maybe im attracted to that? Like the arms or something? It's weird and I keep going over that picture in my head, I don't want to give in to a tic and look at it again. So I keep thinking and questioning myself in my head.

trigger warning...hope it doesn't offend

i think it's almost as if you're finding reasons to feel guilty. i know letting things go isnt easy but that's the only option. as much as we want to we cannot change the past.

i saw a scene in the show dr. house where a patient had caused an accident that caused the death of the patient's sibling. the patient had cut off from her parents out of guilt.

doc house told the patient something like it doesn't get better, it sucks, you gave some pain to your family but if you continue to be in pain and feel guilty, you'll give your family more pain.

regarding whether you may be attracted to kids, as long as you dont act on it, it doesn't bother. maybe dont think so much of ur sexuality, but rather talk with yourself and forgive yourself.

easier said than done, i know, but hug yourself. imagine your younger self as a kid and hug him.

I definitely am not attracted to, I think I'm just so scared of being attracted that I fear it. I really never even thought of that attraction until I consciously thought of fearing it.

I think it's good that you're scared. i remember a time i saw a guy peeing on the street and i had this thought of pushing him over the gutter. i was scared later of harboring such thoughts.

i think it shows responsibility that you're scared of having such thoughts.

Heartfullofguilt2 wrote:I definitely am not attracted to, I think I'm just so scared of being attracted that I fear it. I really never even thought of that attraction until I consciously thought of fearing it.

Sounds like you're afraid of your thoughts, or of the possibility of having certain thoughts. Maybe it would be good to do 5 minutes a day of imagining your thoughts being bubbles and non-judgmentally observing them. You will not be effective at doing this at first but progress is gradual. There is no immediate "off" switch to negative obsessive thoughts.

-- Tue May 03, 2016 9:29 pm --

helpfulone1 wrote:

Heartfullofguilt2 wrote:I definitely am not attracted to, I think I'm just so scared of being attracted that I fear it. I really never even thought of that attraction until I consciously thought of fearing it.

Sounds like you're afraid of your thoughts, or of the possibility of having certain thoughts. Maybe it would be good to do 5 minutes a day of imagining your thoughts being bubbles and non-judgmentally observing them. You will not be effective at doing this at first but progress is gradual. There is no immediate "off" switch to negative obsessive thoughts.

Edited to add that I am no psychologist or counsellor so please take what I say with a grain of salt. I am just sharing what seems to be working for me.

I have this persistent memory from when I was a kid. I was like 11 or 12 or something close and I had a cousin who was like 6 years younger. Anyway she would always follow me around and say I'm her boyfriend and stuff and other family members would nag it on. I've only seen her a handful of times in my life.

I don't have any memory of doing anything at all, but I wonder why she called me boyfriend and always followed me. I feel weird because I'm not sure what even went on at that time. Anyway 6 or 7 years later I thought maybe I caught her looking at me weird a couple times,but maybe she wasn't and I'm just thinking that because I have OCD.

I'm stressed thinking back at that time and wondering if anything could have happened at all that I just don't remember?

-- Wed May 04, 2016 6:39 am --

Am I just making things up now? I don't remember doing anything at all sexual, but I can't remember back then. I'm constantly wondering if I did do something and don't even know about it.

Dear Heartfullofguilt2:

There is nothing alarming to me in the scenario of your cousin following you saying you were her boyfriend. If family members laughed and were pleased with the scenario, that may have been her motivation: to get their attention and them being pleased or entertained.

Her behavior suggests to me that she was not afraid of you, not trying to keep (something unpleasant, or distressing) a secret. It suggests to me there is nothing reasonable to worry about.

I don't remember the great majority of my childhood. It will be unreasonable if I had to remember everything, to account for what happened every moment of it, so to prove to myself I didn't do this or that. I remember so very little, I have, put together, 50 years at the least of no memory. Accounting for my actions throughout five decades is impossible.

atina

Thanks atina.

I guess not knowing or remembering that part of my childhood has me stressed and is open to a whole bunch of possibilities in my mind. But I still keep thinking what if something did happen and can't remember it at all?

-- Thu May 05, 2016 3:37 am --

Because I can't remember anything around that time, my mind is free to think whatever. I just can't for some reason tell myself I didn't do anything. When I try very very hard, I don't remember doing anything at all. Yet I still can't trust that memory.

Dear heartfullofgult:

What if you focus on what you do remember? Something else that you do remember.

atina

Maybe talk with yourself. I know it's not easy to let go of the thoughts but talking to myself helps me.

like just hug yourself and say, 'it's all right. i forgive you. it's all right. i'm right here for you.'