I think this is the end, I cant bare the guilt anymore

warning may trigger

when i think my mind is overthinking i take a cold shower. that helps very much. a cold shower takes the body to a new system. the mind doesnt think of earlier obsessing thoughts but you're more alert in the cold shower.

this helps a lot.

forgiving oneself isn't easy. even i regret some of the stuff that i've done.

i often visualize my act like a scar on my hand. the scar makes me imperfect but i can live with it.

i've also done some good stuff in life.
when an opportuity to enjoy life comes, i accept it...and save repenting for another day or on my death bed.

Thanks guys. It's not great feeling this way all the time. Constantly trying to figure out the precise age I was, maybe pushing it further up for responsibility. Very unnerving scrutinizing every thing.

Heartfullofguilt2 wrote:Thanks guys. It's not great feeling this way all the time. Constantly trying to figure out the precise age I was, maybe pushing it further up for responsibility. Very unnerving scrutinizing every thing.

This thread made me remember something i'd completely forgotten about but which I feel kind of guilty about, thinking about it now. But then I was only a child myself, and so it's hard to feel too guilty for me

Sorry you feel bad subterfuge. It's sucks thinking these things.

Heartfullofguilt2 wrote:Sorry you feel bad subterfuge. It's sucks thinking these things.

It's just something that i'd genuinely pretty much forgotten about until a few threads I read here made me remember. Strange how that works.
When Me and my friend were about 11 we very sexually touched his little sister who was about 8. Fingered her, sniffed and tasted her.
But we were only kids ourselves so i'm not sure whether it's a big deal or not, or something I should feel guilty about. I know kids always plays 'doctors and nurses' etc and stuff like that happens.
I think my real guilt is that, the memories seem to turn me on which feels very 'wrong'. I'm not sure if it's like some sort of 'physical' memory based on how turned on I was at the time that I now can't stop from feeling a similar feeling as someone who is no longer a little kid.

When I was a young teen I used to fantasize about my stepbrother abusing me for some reason? Maybe because it was my earliest memory of sexual activity, I don't know. But that went away when I realized what all happened and put it in perspective.

But OCD screws with everything, you may not have it. See, what I'm struggling with now is that I need, like I neeeeed to know my precise age I was when these events happened in my life. Even though therapists, psychologists and family told me very articulately. Actually people even here. But when I think about it I think of a old creepy guy doing it not me as a kid, which sucks because it adds fuel to the thought.

-- Mon Feb 08, 2016 8:01 am --

To this day I'm struggling with thinking, what if one of my siblings hate me? What if I told my older sister what I did to her when I was young, without being sarcastic? Would she hate me? I get scared a lot from that. I just want everyone in my life to be at peace and not hate me. But I don't know what they are thinking. I hate this way of living. It's sapping my will to do everything, apart from eating and sleeping.

-- Tue Feb 09, 2016 4:52 pm --

It's Lena Dunham and Josh Duggar articles that just bring out the worst feelings. Feelings that I'm as bad if not worse.

-- Wed Feb 10, 2016 2:01 pm --

I'm stressing out extremely bad.

Having read newer post here lately and seeing everyone worried with the therapist reporting laws is freaking me out. I did talk to my therapist about everything and nothing happened. But seeing everyone freaking out about it has me doing the same.

What if he just happened to do it that time? I'm scared because I have a new psychiatrist I'm meeting.

-- Tue Feb 16, 2016 4:00 pm --

It's really really getting to me lately, I hope I'm not speaking to the void.

I feel I can be compared to Duggar or someone like him or Dunham and I take the comments intended for them personally. I'm trapped on feeling bad and somewhat ok. I see comments here and I feel ok for awhile then I read articles about either of them and the passion in people's comments are scary. As if they'd really condemn a 7 year old. It's scary that these people could say things about me I guess.

It sucks because I talk about it here and with my family and it's not a huge deal but if I see something like it in an article the passion flys from keyboards. It's scary and unsettling. I'm literally stuck between this community and my family saying it's not s huge deal and the media or article comments saying it is. It sucks. I want it to end.

-- Mon Feb 22, 2016 3:01 pm --

Anyone still here?

It's scary, not saying anything or by moving on it feels like I'm hiding something. Like Duggar was hiding his family's dark secret or whatever was in the magazine. It is pretty depressing feeling like I'm hiding something. I just want to move on and finally live like a normal human being.

-- Sun Mar 13, 2016 8:12 am --

Hey guys, I'm still here.

-- Wed Mar 16, 2016 11:46 am --

I wonder what my older cousin thinks about the stuff we did as kids?

-- Tue Mar 22, 2016 10:10 pm --

Even my brother.

-- Wed Mar 23, 2016 7:43 pm --

I feel like I could be called the same as Dunham and duggar, it sucks. I keep looking up articles relating to them and feel bad, then worse.

-- Fri Apr 15, 2016 1:52 am --

Thinking back on it I feel like a creep, as if I was an adult doing it. And thinking about it more and more makes me feel like I was a creepy person and I was like an adult. But I know I was 10 or younger.

It's hard being the memory is so fuzzy, and it's hard to figure out everything. All I remember is the image and that's all.

-- Wed Apr 20, 2016 10:28 am --

Help?

-- Thu Apr 21, 2016 12:45 pm --

The scenarios keep running over in my mind.

I try so hard but I can't figure out why I did that stuff? Why did I place my genitals on my brothers mouth while he was sleeping? Why did I lick my sisters butt? I feel people wouldn't like me for it... I still feel alone and comparing myself to Duggar and Dunham.

I try and try so so hard to figure out why and what I was thinking but I don't know... And I'm scared people would hate me for my childhood... and I don't think me being abused would play a part.

Can all of this really result from me being abused? Feels like I can't accept it.

I dont think you've caused any permanent damage to anyone. regarding whether you're josh duggar or anyone, don't judge others.

even they have reasons for their actions, just as we all. i try not to judge people. that reduces the self hatred.

I'm stuck in a cycle where I read Dunham and Duggar article after article, multiple times.

I feel like the hate they get I can get, so I read them. Sure they weren't sexually abused like I was, but I feel that doesn't make a difference to people. I talked about this recently with my therapist. I just can't stop comparing and obsessing over it.

i have an important thing to say. there was a time when i was in your stage, feeling immense regret and shame for a sexual act. i had a nervosu breakdown. i would obsess over it. and eventually accepted that life is over for me.

my coping mechanisms were self-destructive and now i regret the mechanims more than sexual act that i regretted earlier.

listen to what the therapist says. dont compare yourself with dunham and duggar. i forced myself to stop watching news or judging people. even a murderer has reasons for his crime, dont judge anyone to be morally superior yourself, this is what i would do. just look after yourself n your loved ones.

post here as much as you can but also do other stuff. did the therapist give you some meds. meds helped me a bit with ocd. even cold showers helped.

i wish i had followed my psych's advice instead of indulging in the coping mechanisms.

Have you ever tried non-judgmentally visualizing your thoughts going by like leaves on a stream? Or just letting any thoughts come to mind and observing but not judging them? Apparently that helps with negative intrusive thoughts.