OCD and viewing child porn

A few years ago when i was 17 and I developed a form of OCD where I worried about becoming a pedophile. It's quite a common form of OCD, but I didn't know that at the time and my life was taken over my obsessive intrusive thoughts about being attracted to children. Every time I looked at a child I would try to figure out what I was feeling. I once touched a child's diaper (not their genitals!) to try and see if I had any "response" but I couldn't figure it out. Eventually I became quite suicidal and desperate. I needed to know if I was a pedophile or not, and I thought the only way to know for sure would be to view images or a video that would repulse me enough for me to know that I definitely wasn't a pedo. So I went to google and typed in the words "child porn" and I opened a few links but no illegal images or videos came up.

There was one picture of a child posed in a bikini- technically legal but it looked slightly sexual and it repulsed me so much that I cried. I was searching for maybe 10 or 15 minutes before I realised that if a legal image of a child had made me cry then there's no way I could be a pedophile. So I shut down my laptop and have never looked for child porn again. But now I feel really guilty. I could have easily have found and watched child porn and that would be contributing to child abuse (i know i never found anything, but i DID open some links, so the fact i didnt watch anything is kinda irrelevant) which sickens me to the core.

It's been two years since this happened and I know that I am not a pedophile, but am I a bad person for what I did? I have been to the police and they told me to forget about it and live my life, but I feel that other people might think that I am evil or sick and deserve to die. Am I in the same class as those who molest children or routinely access child porn for pleasure? Obviously I did not want to watch child porn for pleasure, I was just so desperate because of my OCD. But does this excuse my behaviour? Should I be punished? Am I a bad person? Should I suffer for what I did or feel guilty? Do I need to confess this to people? I feel that people need to know about this because its such a big deal and they might not want to be friends with a sicko like me. I just wanna be a good person, like im going to be a nurse and i want to dedicate my life to helping others but i feel i cant or shouldnt because of this. Also people always say "people with OCD dont act on their thoughts" but I did? I mean I never acted on the intrusive thoughts of actually harming a child, but I did search for the images. Is that acting on the thoughts or is that reassurance seeking? Ugh, please help.

I'm 100% certain this is your OCD talking (and I very very rarely say I believe something 100%). You did not view child porn. You were highly unlikely to find any through a simple google search as far as I understand it. You didn't contribute to anyone's abuse and you have nothing to feel guilty about. Your intent was pure. The idea was foolish, but certainly not motivated by any evil intent. It's so obvious that your guilt over this is due to OCD. I have OCD too and I can recognise the symptoms and thought processes!

Furthermore, if it helps, since you were 17 when you did this you were still a child yourself! Since you are now an adult you can look back on this as the actions of a different person (a child) and let yourself have a wholly fresh start lived (I hope!) in joy and wonder. You are free. When kids turn 18 their criminal record is expunged. You didn't even commit a crime.

sprock wrote:I'm 100% certain this is your OCD talking (and I very very rarely say I believe something 100%). You did not view child porn. You were highly unlikely to find any through a simple google search as far as I understand it. You didn't contribute to anyone's abuse and you have nothing to feel guilty about. Your intent was pure. The idea was foolish, but certainly not motivated by any evil intent. It's so obvious that your guilt over this is due to OCD. I have OCD too and I can recognise the symptoms and thought processes!

Furthermore, if it helps, since you were 17 when you did this you were still a child yourself! Since you are now an adult you can look back on this as the actions of a different person (a child) and let yourself have a wholly fresh start lived (I hope!) in joy and wonder. You are free. When kids turn 18 their criminal record is expunged. You didn't even commit a crime.

Thank you for your kind reply. OCD sucks right? If it's okay with you, I may write down what you have said to use as "reassurance" when I feel my anxiety rising. Would that be okay? Thanks again

Of course that's okay! Please do!

And OCD does really suck.