I molested my nephew when I was a teenager

Hey guys. I don't know how to begin really. I'll just start writing down what's on my mind. English is not my native language, so excuse any mistakes that may occur. It might get a bit long, but I have to get it all off my chest. Once again.

First of all, I'm a 24 year old gay male. I'm a student abroad and I live alone. During the time I was 14, 15 and 16 years old, I molested my nephew (first cousin's son) who was 9 years younger than me. That means, he was 5/6/7 years old during that time. All in all, I think it happened 3 to 5 times (I didn't keep count). I can't recall most of the times, I only remember two incidents. The one time, it was at our house (I might have been 14/15). The other time, it was at my aunt's house (I was 16 years old, for sure).

The things I did: I kissed him on the lips; I put his penis in my mouth; I (may have) rubbed our penises together; I rubbed my penis on/against his behind (and hole). I never made him do anything against his will, or kept on when he told me to stop. I don't know how it usually started. The one time at our house, I went downstairs with him, while my mother and his mother were upstairs in the living room. Then I said to him "Want me to kiss your wee-wee?", he responded "yes". We went into the bathroom, I then did all stuff I mentioned. The other time at my aunt's place, it happened while she was asleep. That time, I only gave him oral. That time was also the last time it ever happened. So I was 16 years old and he was 7.

For some reason, after that summer I started to realize what had done. I started hated myself for what I did. I felt disgust when I looked at myself in the mirror. I used to cut myself, bang my head hard against the wall or take really cold showers to punish myself. I often thought of committing suicide, but I thought that's a selfish thing to do. I didn't want to do this to my family (my younger brother, and my mother who was raising us by herself — my dad had left home 3 years prior to that). I also didn't have the balls to do it, so I kept "praying" to God (or whoever I thought was up there, I'm not religious) to let something very bad happen to me, to punish me for what I had done to my nephew.

I want to mention that most of my teen years, I also struggled trying to accept myself being gay. I hated myself, tried to convince myself that I could turn straight again. I had no one to talk to, no friends that I could tell about myself, no support whatsoever. I didn't have a girlfriend or boyfriend back then, so curious as I was, I tried out things on/with my nephew. I never ever felt attracted to children, not the slightest bit. So I'm not a pedophile or anything close to that.

It all started changing that exact summer, because that was when we first got internet at home. So I started meeting people on social networks, making friends, finding gay guys I could openly talk about a lot of things that bothered me. And I found a lot of people who helped me accepting that I was gay and that there was nothing bad about it. So, when I was around 18/19, I finally had made peace with myself.

What I couldn't (and still can't) make peace with is what I did to my nephew. I never told his mother, or my mother, or anyone in my family. They'd be shocked, they wouldn't understand, and probably never speak to me again, ever. My nephew doesn't seem to remember anything, to this day, every time he sees me (doesn't get to see me that often, maybe once a year, he lives far away) he jumps onto me, hugs me, and in general is really happy to see me. I'm sure he never told his mother back then, maybe cus to him it all seemed like a game we played(?).

I know what I did is wrong, I regretted it like I never regretted anything else in my whole life. I tried multiple times to hurt myself to punish me for what I did to him. But I just can't let go of the guilt that I feel. I told 5 people about it, three of them were friends from social networks. The first one (girl, online friend) was shocked, but told me that if I really regretted what I did, that's all that matters and I should let it go. Person #1 (girl, online friend), stopped talking to me and blocked me. Persons #2 (girl, online friend), #3 (ex-boyfriend, long distance rel. over the internet) and #4 (boy, ex-best friend, first online, then in real life) all were shocked to hear it, but said that if I truly regretted what I've done, I should leave it behind and simply go on with my life. And #5 (other ex-bf) didn't seem to care much for some reason.

The past 2-3 years, I managed to let go. I hardly ever thought of it. I made peace with myself. Whenever I thought of it, I pushed it aside immediately. I forgave myself. Or so I thought.

5 months ago, I met a person that's probably the best thing that ever happened to me. I met the prettiest, sweetest, most kind and loving person I ever met in my entire life. The first time I saw him, I just I knew I was gonna make him mine. And I did. And I fell in love with him. And he fell in love with me. Two nights ago we were just lying in bed, I was telling him stories about my teenage years and then there it was again. The thought, the guilt, the feeling of disgust. I kept thinking "what if he knew? he wouldn't be lying next to you if he knew, he wouldn't love you if he knew, he wouldn't be your boyfriend if he knew". I felt really bad. I felt I didn't deserve his love, his trust, his affection. I told him I had something like a "dark secret", and a few minutes afterwards, I told him about it.

He was shocked, he said he doesn't want any details and that he would've been better off without knowing. I felt unwanted, even though he didn't push me away. I got out of bed, threw some sheets on the ground and just laid there. I was sure he felt disgusted and didn't want me near him. He told me to get into bed again, I refused. I went into the kitchen, came back into the room, went back, and repeated this a few times. At some point, he came crying to me, asking me to come back into bed with him. I didn't, I told him to go lay down because he had to get up early in the morning. He went back into the room and kept crying. I can't recall the last time I felt this bad. I made him cry. I never wanted to see him cry, let alone be the reason he cried. He calmed down, I told him a few things, how I feel about it, how I feel about him etc. I went back to the kitchen and started punching my head, I felt like I had to. Both for what I did in the past, and for what I did to my boyfriend. I went back into the room and we then fell asleep. The next morning he got up, I went with him to the bus station. He went to a friend's house to stay over the weekend. We didn't talk much. I thought we were done. I came back home and I felt like $#%^. I couldn't stop crying. I thought he'd leave me, I was sure of it. I sent him a few messages on Facebook, he just said I should stay calm till he comes back.

Last night I got on the bus and drove near his friend's place. I didn't have a plan or anything specific to say, I just wanted to see him. One of the first things he said was that he loved me. It was the first time he said that. We hugged, we kissed, we sat down and talked a bit, then I had to take the last bus back to town.

I don't deserve him, and he doesn't deserve a moron like me. I know what I did is in the past, I know that at some point I just have to move on. I know I can't be judged by things I did 10 years ago. But I feel as if I don't deserve that much love from someone who knows what I did. But I also felt that I couldn't keep anything from him, I just can't have secrets like that.

Now, I'll just wait for him to come back, see how things are gonna go. Even though he managed to express his love for me at a hard moment like this, I'm pretty sure that what he learned destroyed a part of the image of me that he has in his mind. And I don't know how to handle this. How am I supposed to look him in the eyes, when at that very moment he might be thinking about it? I don't know what to do. He shouldn't love me. He could do so much better than me.

Sorry for the long post. I just had to get it out somehow. How am I supposed to handle this? How can I make peace once and for all? Also, searching the forum, I found that a lot of people who posted who struggle with similar things, have some type of OCD. How does OCD have to do with this way of thinking? Multiple people tell me I could have some type of OCD.

If he is like me he'd see a person that regrets an awful part of his past and has punished himself for it more than anyone else could. He'd see someone that now needs to be able to accept love, and he'd be happy and honored if he could be allowed to be the one to give it to you again.

Hi bdfox,

bdfox wrote:How am I supposed to handle this? How can I make peace once and for all? Also, searching the forum, I found that a lot of people who posted who struggle with similar things, have some type of OCD. How does OCD have to do with this way of thinking? Multiple people tell me I could have some type of OCD.

I would suggest working it with a therapist. Or reading about abuse and how to heal it from the perspective of the perpetrator. You have a partner that supports you and you've come to peace with issues from the past. A therapist can help.

I'm gonna share my perspective too, from the point of view of someone who was abused, you are free not to read it. I don't plan on judging you, but you are still free not to read it if you don't want to.

The difference in age between you and your nephew is not slight, specially at that age. You were a teenager and he was a kid. Maybe you lacked maturity, knowledge, guidance. You mention that he said yes to your question to kiss his penis, and that you "(...) never made him do anything against his will, or kept on when he told (you) to stop."

I would like to mention that, well it is unclear at what age a person is capable to discern to accept, and reject certain acts. Specially made by someone they trust and care about.

I was abused by the father of my father. He touched me since I was 5 years old (maybe younger but that's as far as I remember) until I was 10. I thought of him as one of my favorite grandparents, I would jump to him whenever I saw him. I was really happy to see him.

He was never violent with me, and I don't remember having said no to him. He would kiss my mouth, and touch my vagina/clit, until I would orgasm. He would do this, over and over, until I'd fall asleep exhausted. It didn't seem wrong. It actually physically felt good. I just never questioned it.

At 10, I began to think that I didn't want him touching me. I began to be very distant to him, and I didn't want him staying at our home, and after some time (mid teen years), I really wanted no contact whatsoever with him.

It wasn't until I was in my mid twenties that I realized and understood that he had sexually abused me. I felt angry, and I understood how what he did had impacted my life. I masturbated myself from very early ages in many places, including publicly. I also began sexual exploration early (6 years old), with other kids in kindergarden, and later on (14 years old) with boyfriends, and setting some boundaries in relationship was difficult for me.

After some time, I felt nothing for the dude. I thought about suing him, but he was already old, and he has lost his legs. I felt angrier with my mother, whom I told and did nothing when I told her. She thought I must have been confused because the father of my father wouldn't do such a thing. I felt angry that she didn't defend me, believe me, or made something for me to understand what had been done to me. I am not a victim, I refuse to be. But he did take advantage of his position. He knew. So much, that he wouldn't touch me when people was around, he did when the two of us were alone, in his room.

bdfox, I truly think that you lacked lots of tools to handle what you were going through. However, what you did was not ok.

I'm wondering what could be something that the dude that abused me would do that I would think justice has been made. I don't know. Truly. I think an apology would have been a first, I also would like others to know what he did (specially my aunts, his daughters that brought him into their houses when they had children that he could abuse too) and some kind of punishment for what he did. Maybe work for the community, give part of his money to something or someone.

bdfox, I truly don't want you to hurt yourself, I don't think that solves anything. And given that you regret it, I would really want for you to feel worthy of the love you are receiving. So, I would also suggest doing something in return for your acts. Give something back, maybe design a brochure for teenagers who are in contact with children. Maybe be a counsellor for gay people who are struggling.

I am not a judge bdfox. Not yours, not anyone's. I hope you do feel better. The way I can think of that, is doing something in return.

Maybe the guilt will always be there, and maybe it's not such a bad thing. Maybe it is there to remind you to never go that way again, to advice teens and their caretakers, so that they provide better guidance and tools.

Wish you healing.

Sea

To speak honestly, I found this thread hard to reply to and originally did not approve it, though found that it had been approved. I think that Seangel's reply here is on-the-money, realistic but compassionate.

In terms of going forward:

bdfox, I truly don't want you to hurt yourself, I don't think that solves anything. And given that you regret it, I would really want for you to feel worthy of the love you are receiving. So, I would also suggest doing something in return for your acts. Give something back, maybe design a brochure for teenagers who are in contact with children. Maybe be a counsellor for gay people who are struggling.