I think I molested a friend of mine when I was 15.

When I was 15, I hung out a lot with my mom's friend's daughter, who was 9 when this happened.

I still hang out with her today, and it seems like nothing happened with her, but here's the story.

I was telling her all about what books I read, and one of them was Naruto. She asked about the moves they did involving their hands, so we played a bit together. I did a pose in which i thrust my hand forward, which is one of the moves. She accidentally jumped forward and I touched her chest by mistake. I immediately pulled away and said sorry. After that, she asked me to rub her feet in a totally non sexual way. I did simply because she wanted it and I figured it was harmless. After 2 minutes, I stopped because it just felt wrong to me. She even asked me to do it again but I said no and she asked why. I said it just isn't right for me to have my hands on you like that. She said it's just a rub, so I regretfully did it again for a few moments before stopping.

Finally, one time while we were rough housing around, my mind went somewhere else, and I had the stupid idea of pulling her pants down. I stopped myself instantly after my hands were on them, at the same time she said playfully" Heeeyaaa.." but she wasn't upset or anything. In less than a second I was overcome with thoughts of "Oh my god. What have I done? I'm a monster. How could I do that? I'm disgusting. I don't deserve to live."

I'm 19 now, and the guilt has been eating me alive. It comes back all the time, and I can't stop the pain. The weirdest part is that I still see her all the time, and she doesn't mention it or even stay allude to it, and she's very vocal about what bothers her. She even put her feet in my face again but didn't say anything, and I just moved them away to which she laughed.

I don't understand. I feel like I am absolute scum and I know I made a huge mistake but the guilt is eating me to my core. This girl is still my friend and since then, I've made it a point to do nothing but everything in my physical power to make her happy. I can't take back what I did, or almost did, but I want to make things right in any way I can. But I can't stop thinking about the damage I may have caused and it's scaring me to death. I don't want to hurt anyone, and I won't make excuses for myself. I made a terrible mistake, and I want to right the wrong.

My parents know about this, and they commended me for being honest, and always point out how proud they are of me that I've done all the GOOD things I've done for her and her family, but I can't stop thinking about my mistakes and what damage I've caused.

I know I'm rambling and I'm sorry, but I needed to say this. Thanks everyone for reading.

That sounds really hard. Please don't worry too much about this - it really sounds like it's eating you up.

*trigger warning for brief discussion of sexual assault and prankin"*

It really seems like your motivation was not whatsoever sexual but trolly / playful.

Now, in some cases (not you own! really, truly not) I would say that the motivation is not so important... though it can still feel odd to call something 'sexual assault' or molestation when there was clearly no sexual aspect involved. One of my closest friends sometimes displays manic, inappropriate behaviour and hasn't always been the best at respecting my boundaries. One particularly regrettable instance from just a couple of years back (we are both in our mid-late 20s) involved him grabbing my testicles through my trousers while I repeatedly told him 'no' quite anxiously and angrily and tried to pull his arm away.

And yeah... that was probably sexual assault. It feels strange to label it as such since he's still such a close friend, I don't really see him as a sex criminal and I certainly don't see myself as a survivor (especially as I identify as a perpetrator of a similar assault / groping within a relationship when I was younger) buuuuuuuut it matches a pretty clear definition of sexual assault, even though I'd never even think of pressing charges.

I'd say the same is true of some of those awful Youtube video bloggers like Sam Pepper whose "pranking" involving grabbing at women's behinds and then pretending he did it with a fake hand. Likewise, the Japanese "prank" 'Kanchō' - whatever the intention of Kanchō, it's wrong and assault.

All of these examples (my friend groping me; me assaulting my friend in bed; Sam Pepper's pranking;
Kanchō) involve violation of bodily rights. This is why they are so bad.

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With this clear I hope you can see that what you did was fundamentally different to the above. You did not violate your friend. You did not even pull her pants down. You put you hands round the waist of a kid. That's all. You realised that the prank you were going to commit was a stupid idea and would have been inappropriate. So you didn't do it. Putting your hands on a kid's trousers isn't a crime. Neither is thinking about pulling down a kid's trousers, for whatever reasons and I think your reasons were not sexual, just immature.

In the other instance you relate, you brushed against her chest completely by accidental. No intent whatsoever. Accidents are accidents. When in a train or in a crowd it's a constant struggle not to rub against people or brush against parts of their bodies. It's awkward, but if there is literally no intent to do so, it really can't be considered a crime.

Rubbing someone's feet is not sexual or a crime. It's rubbing someone's feet.

You are so clearly a good person and a good friend. At first, if I am honest, I was surprised and vaguely concerned (or more confused, perhaps) by the idea of a 15-year-old and a 9-year-old being friends because, while both are children, there's a big age and developmental disparity. But then I think, why not? Kids can be just as interesting and fun to be around as adults and while their brains are working in a different way, they're certainly not all stupid. I think any humans can find things in other humans to relate to and understand.

The important thing is strictly maintaining the boundaries of such a friendship and never letting it even approach being sexualised. If you have had acted sexually towards her whatsoever I would 100% agree that it was molestation. You didn't. Likewise, a 13-year-old and a 19-year-old can be friends, as long as the friendship remains just that.

Indeed, I would stress that even when she is a 17-year-old child, it would still be very wrong to date her at 23 (I dated a girl that age when I was 21 and I now feel deep, deep shame in my knowledge of how utterly inappropriate and wrong that was, along with the specific assault referenced above).

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Sorry for rambling! Basically my feelings are 1.) You literally haven't done anything to feel guilty about 2.) Just make sure that if romantic feelings do ever arise over the next 5 years that you immediately quell them or even distance yourself from the friendship for a while.

That's all really. You seem like a really good sort and should have a happy life. Please try to feel free!